first world?


living in a world that cash cows are milked into skeletal cows, sometimes i think everything are just cruel jokes. dad and i have come to a consensus that whatever immorality that occurs should be left alone unless it encroaches upon our personal space. however, there are certain instances when people still have to step in. especially when children are involved. it's just sad (for a lack of a better word) to see how we proclaim to be first world when our behaviour is only third world. perhaps we are not so far from the truth by claiming a developing country status, if only to enjoy certain trade benefits whatsoever. i dont pretend to be not guilty of it but the extent human beings covet for fame and fortune and popularity can only be described as pathetic.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

pensive


what a year! 2005 has been a wild rollercoaster ride in so many sense of the word. i've laughed, cried, acted crazy, remained sane, fought, made new friends, maintained contact with some, lost contact with others, gave, received, loved and lived. and discovered that i'm blessed beyond words. this year has been different from the other years of my life. because i'm finally deemed old enough to make my own choices and live with whatever consequences. because i've entered a new stage in life. because i've completed so many rites of passage. because there are few regrets. because i've showed my parents i'd fight for what i want and be responsible. because i've met so many interesting people. and because i've re-evaluated my concept of right and wrong and that contentment and happiness can be so glaringly simple still.

there are just too many memorable events to state. so i'll not be specific. the people i'm close to didnt really change. yay! there are certain things that were important to me that still remained important. there are certain things that lost their lustre. that being a good friend takes effort (for which i'm sometimes too lazy to put in), patience (which i often lack) and just being there. that sometimes, doing the right thing is the right thing to do despite it being difficult. that i've taken my family for granted too often. that some secrets are better off remaining...well...clandestine (hopefully, i'll continue to keep my mouth shut).

i'm grateful for all the people who are in my life. esp my parents who will always remain my sounding boards no matter how much we drive each other up the walls daily. actually, i should be more grateful to all my friends who remained my friends, enduring all my idiosyncracies and quirks, and didnt run away to the far side of the earth. i'm grateful for all those i've not known or kinda know who finally entered my life. and i'm grateful for my health despite subjecting crap to my body and the lack of proper diet and exercise.

hopefully, i'm a better person than in 2004. 2005 has beem a good year for me. so much so that i dont mind the whole year repeating and reliving it again. may the coming year be a wilder, more meaning, more full of surprises. may the people important to me still remain important and around. and that happiness continues to be something easily obtained :)

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

a different kind of boxing


you would think that three years is enough for you to know a group of people at a more than superficial level. how wrong am i. i realise the extent of craziness my bunch of girls can be. then again, i'm talking abt the same bunch who rushed to lecture theatres to secure the back row seats, who hailed cabs to support sch sports team halfway across the island, who gossiped endlessly everywhere, who started off the whole bday balloon craze. so i shldnt be surprised by all that happened today. dont worry, i still love all of you. hahas.

insatiable


i guess i dont blame people for misundestanding. on occasions, i even get a kick out of it. still, the complexity of the issue makes it hard for me to hear certain things. people outside the loop probably see certain aspects clearer than me. and i do know that talk will occur. oh wells, if i gave a damn, i'd end up being a misearble-trying-please-everyone person.

after three days, i finally felt that i was actually having a holiday. which is epitomised by not getting ANYTHING constructive done aka wasting time. why cant life be like that all the time?

Saturday, December 24, 2005

relishing


the fact that i have nothing to do and no where to go. so much so that i stared at photos taken recently and one year ago and become appalled at how much weight i've put on and how bad my skin has become. damn! i need my odac activities!!!

superficiality


i'd like to think that i'm not superficial but how can i be a good judge when most of my material wants have been provided for. while i believe that there are many things i can live without, i love what i have now which includes friends who are willing and able to drive me around, money to spend on what i want etc. am just so full of contradictions.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

new device


the extent of how much my parents know me is kinda scary. i cant fault their bluntness as it is the truth. once i set my heart to something, i tend to go all out to get it. no matter what is in my way. although i still dont understand why they are making a big fuss over it, claiming that it is going to be the last WANT that they are going to sponser me. still, i got what i wanted and am going to make good use of it. ha! being determined and single-minded tend to work to my advantage.

am trying to figure things out now. i wanna be lazy but since it is something i wanted, i have no excuse.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

nice company


lovely! was informed that i have to undergo an operation to remove my wisdom tooth. damn... my teeth gave me problems since pri five. the procedure feels painful already.

10 hours of thronging town. a total count of 11 (i still cant believe it and am thankful that i didnt try to be clever to bet on it) familar faces. "i'd rather they kiss." a comment after witnessing rather weird PDA. i need to be reminded that the next date should be mostly food-free. despite the surprising fact that all the food eaten were extremely satisfying. a dilemma - books or DVDs.

mum's funny. she mentioned that if she wasnt open-minded, she would be under the wrong impression. and that's based on what she knows and observes. i think she will be horrified if she knows the entirety. then again, as if i'm doing anything wrong. people can speculate all they want and it's not going to make a difference other than create a hilariously untrue conclusion about things.

Monday, December 19, 2005

my only wish


[britney spears]
Last night I took a walk in the snow
Couples holding hands with places to go
It seems like everyone but me is in love
Santa can you hear me?
I sent a letter that I sealed with a kiss
I sent it off and just said this
I know exactly what I want this year
Santa can you hear me?

I want my baby baby
I want someone to love me, someone to hold
Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe
He'll be all my own with a big red bow

Santa can you hear me
I have been so good this year
And all I want is one thing
Tell me my true love is here
He's all I want, just for me
Underneath my Christmas tree
I'll be waiting here
Santa that's my only wish this year

Christmas Eve, I just can't sleep
Would I be wrong from taking a peek
Cuz I heard that you're coming to town
Santa can you hear me
I really hope that you're on your way
Something special for me in your sleigh
Oh please make my wish come true
Santa can you hear me

I want my baby baby
I want someone to love me, someone to hold
Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe
We'll be all alone under the mistletoe

Santa can you hear me
I have been so good this year
And all I want is one thing
Tell me my true love is here
He's all I want, just for me
Underneath my Christmas tree
I'll be waiting here
Santa that's my only wish this year

I hope my letter reaches you in time (oh yeah)
Bring me love I can call all mine
I have been so good this year
Can't be alone under the mistletoe
He's all I want in a big red bow

Santa can you hear me
I have been so good this year
And all I want is one thing
Tell me my true love is here
He's all I want, just for me
Underneath my Christmas tree
I'll be waiting here
Santa that's my only wish this year

Santa can you hear me?
He's all I want, just for me
Underneath my Christmas tree
I'll be waiting just right here
Santa that's my only wish this year

Santa can you hear me?

i cant believe that i actually like this song so much. by britney no less. hahas... am engaging in frivolous pursuits and thoroughly enjoying them. and i guess i'll probably never recover by christmas at the rate i'm going. oh wells.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

black hawk down


shakespeare's Henry V:
Whoever does not have the stomach for this fight, let him depart. Give him money to speed his departure since we wish not to die in that man's company. Whoever lives past today and come home safely will rouse himself every year on this day, show his neighbour his scars, and tell embellished stories of all their great feats of battle. These stories he will teach his son and from this day until the end of the world, we shall be remembered. We few, we happy few, we band of brothers; for whoever has shed his blood with me shall be my brother. And those men afraid to go will think themselves lesser men as they hear of how we fought and die together.

i believe it is more than sadistic nature that i love reading about battle stories. there is something about war that absolutely strips men down to their basic instincts and raw emotions that makes reading them so compelling. the most ugly and the most admirable of behaviour shine. and somehow, reading about the cowardly nature of certain men doesnt make me condemn them. instead, i think of how myself will possibly react exactly in that manner if i was in the same situation. i was profoundly touched by the book. it was almost as if i was there witnessing the scenes myself. war is indeed a dreadful thing but we're not the people engaged in it so we're in no position to comment whether it's right or wrong. very often, it transcends the boundaries of right and wrong. ambiguities. years after the incidents occur, we still continue searching for answers of what should have been done. and they are seldom found.

Friday, December 16, 2005

kinda


it's kinda like proj work just that it involves a lot more people, tons of coordination and expensive phone bills. it'll definitely be worth it at the end of it all, provided we survive. and i hope people wont hate me for all the harassment. wish us luck.

to all children out there


too much fun WILL make you sick. it's the second time this is happening to me. and my sorethroat evoloved to flu within 24 hours. a new record. then again, i think my body is holding up pretty well after all the crap i subjected it to.

i take 2 hours of swimming to get tanned. 4 hours to turn greyishly dark. how come i dont ever get golden brownish like my bro?

i strongly believe that 2A-, 2B+ and 1B- are wwwaaayyy below the average scores of my cohort (people around me are so clever that i do feel kinda disgusted). but i'll pretend that they're good enough for my very first sem cos they APPEAR rather decent by not asking anyone else about their grades. yet.

had a rather intellectual conv with regards to life with a friend 6 hours ago. now, i know that i'm not the only one who thinks too much till i question my sanity at times. granted, i still live in my blessed little bubble people call life. more things have be bestowed upon me than i deserve. there are indeed many things i can live without. but i will definitely make a huge fuss if they are taken away from me - that i dont deny. on one hand, i do agree that i'm spoilt for having such a attitude. on the other, i'm not completely ignorant to the moral ambiguities and the ugliness of the world. i guess that's part of growing up; the loss of innocence and being forced to come to terms with the stark reality of life.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

final straw


that's it man. i'm sick and tired of giving in. and compromising: compromising my time, compromising my values, compromising myself. when i said that i had low expectations, i didnt mean zero expectations. i guess i'm making a big thing out of nothing. i dont deny that. but there had been too many 'nothing's for me to be able to ignore. i cant stand being taken for granted. and the most irritating thing of all is that i put myself in those situtations, knowingly or otherwise. fuck! i'm going to stop doing that. stop allowing others to take me for granted. stop putting myself in compromising situations. stop being so freaking obliging. unlike some friends, i wont feel guilty for blowing up at people. and i wont regret reacting a certain way. because they are all expressions of how i feel here and now so am not going to curb them in any way. i'm not so much pissed as being disappointed. and the latter is worse since i get over being angry quite quickly. sometimes, i wish that i could take things as they are but being me, it's not quite possible. especially for all the people i love and care for, there's only so much i can take before losing my temper. for others, i just cant be bothered. nevertheless, i will draw the line at being rude. still, there is a pronounced difference being really concerned and being civil. am i trying to prove a point? perhaps. and i aim to rub the point in. cos i'm sick of being little ms nice.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

tai taish


shopping can be a totally frivolous activity. and discussing about shopping while shopping is even more uncalled for. but for one afternoon, i did enjoy and experience living the high life. well... as long as i dont get addicted to it and can sink back to reality like now, i guess it's quite alright. sometimes, i do feel that i have the complete 'living it' adventures.

if i grow fat and die from too much sinful indulgence, i'll drag deb, inez and my aunt to hell with me. hahas..

am enjoying myself too much to be bothered by certain things.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

bleeding dry


planning is not such a good thing. the plans always seem darn good until the moment you have to start carrying them out. i guess i'm a poor time manager cos four weeks seem freaking short for me. ok... i'm just greedy.

where did all my money go to?!?! i havent made a single purchase for myself in the entire week and i feel so cashless alr. have always maintained that i dont need a lot of money to survive and i still dont. neevrtheless, it's nice to be able to spend without caring about budgets and such for once. alternatively, i need someone(s) other than my parents who are willing and able to support me. any takers?

Friday, December 09, 2005

scheduling


i love my friends but at the rate this is going, i'm going to start charging them for all the gatherings i plan. cos they're giving me too much headaches.

i'm just a mediocre student with very mediocre grades thanks to the mediocre efforts i've put in so far. yup... am REALLY going to graduate at the end of four years.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

NOMB


none of my business but being me, i'll comment anw. i understand that once you're a couple, you may want to spend time with each other all the time. what i dont get is why one party wants to start to control the other. i've seen way too many cases of boyfriends not allowing their significant others to go out with their friends or wear certain clothes etc etc. for goodness sake, if my parents who gave me life have no comments of about the above, who gave you the right to? and very often, it's the little things like these that lead to arguments. sometimes, i think people should just grow up. there's an extent to care and concern that turns into obsessive possession. and i dont understand why my friends can allow that. it's one thing to willingly make compromises. it's another altogether to do something (or not do) because their boyfriends dont allow them to.

i cant help but think that to a certain extent, we're making use of each other mutually.

when you're on the brink of losing everything, there are times when tides turn and you gain so much more instead.

old/new


club hop with the biatches was FUN :) but clubbing is definitely over hyped.

i've changed a lot this year. very much is attributed to my job before i started school. i began to see more than just academia. i cant really determine whether i'm a better person because of all the changes. but i'm definitely more self-confident and proud of the fact that i'm able to sustain and embrace a lot of things that i wouldnt have thought possible. i reaffirmed certain values and challenged some of my previously held beliefs. cant say that i'm proud of all i've done but i'm definitely without regrets so far. i guess i'm more adaptable than i ever thought that i could be.

we're just very different people with very different destinies althought fate has it that our lives collide at this point of time. i've never been more forgiving towards someone's nuances. which makes me think that the epitome of friendship is here, now, care and trust. and love.

Monday, December 05, 2005

censorship


for peace, laughter, fun and joy (and possibly to not get myself killed), whatever is written on this blog is highly censored.

a rather out of nowhere post by an out of point person who has too much time on her hands. sometimes i really wonder why the heck i do the things i do.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

being a lazy fat a**


i'm glad that i started planning for my post exams activities during the exam period. cos all i feel like doing now is to do nothing. which is a complete waste of time. and an extremely bad attitude to have. i guess the unattainable has more appeal for me so it was so much more fun to plan the things to do when i wasnt supposed to be doing them. to think of the number of people i have to get in touch with to get a certain something done is giving me a headache. trying to pretend that the task doesnt exist is not going to work for now.

the way to prevent yourself from eating more chocalate and/or ice cream is quite simple actually. just overload yourself with a sinful amount for one time and swear off it for the rest of the week. cos the whole week's calories from chocs/ice cream is definitely going to accumulate to more than the single indulgence. my warped theory of dieting.

had my first ever bbq without bbq-ing anything cos there was nothing to bbq in the first place. hahas... only the funties can do something like that. and why am i not surprised when there was none of the initial promised food in sight? i have no idea whether to be amused or irritated that after three years, so many things still stayed EXACTLY the same.

i see the irony in the sitautions when i'm expected to give advice or constuctive statements wrt someone else's plight. when i'm the least qualified person to do so. then again, maybe the fact that i'm so unqualified gives my so much more time to listen to what they have to say.

i hope the people who keeps me grounded in life will always be around to do that.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

grades (or lack thereof)


shit! am quite indifferent with regards to exams. maybe not quite indifferent but not concerned enough. whuch is quite bad actually. too many exams over the years kinda numbs you. and to think my parents are concerned that i will get totally stressed out in the university that i may turn bonkers. i guess the fact that exams being not a big part of the system influences me viewpoint as well. btw, i got my very first grade of my university career. and it's one freaking mark to the next grade. have always been cursed with the one-mark-to-the-next-grade crap. but cos of what my parents have inculcated in me, i never really felt the urge to go ask for a better mark (which is very do-able in this subject). as long as the current grade is pretty decent, i'll be ok. obviously i could have done better but i had quite an intersting proj group. i could cry over it if i want to but what's the point? learning is so much more than grades anw and i cant say that i had put in 100% effort to make things within the group work. so, much as i hate to admit it, i probably deserved what i got. ultimately, i know grades do matter and this will make me wanna slack less. but i've learnt so much more than what grades can quantify. so yarh. btw, am hoping against hope that the miracle for midterm repeats for my bizlaw paper which i'm beyond screwed for. please please please...

i didnt deserve the "last paper celebration" with the biatches cos i didnt quite put in enough effort to warrant a celebration. but who cares? hahas... we're totally photo whores. and i'm going to miss them so much next sem when we're no longer in the same classes. dont care! we'll try to meet up as much as possible during this hol. darns... there's so many things i intend to do that the hols seem pathetically short.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

the supposed exam week


looking back at my short life so far, i've realised that there are really alot of stupid things that i've done. not that i have any regrets because i am not who i am today without all the experiences. but i cant help but think if things would have been different if i wasnt so silly then. and despite having to grow up and be more responsible (yadda yadda...) , i still engage in ridiculous behaviours at this very point of time. having full knowledge of the possible repercussions. i am fully aware that often, after taking the first step in a particular direction, there is no turning back to more innocent times. i dont think anything will be able to change this hidden risk-taking-stupidity-at-times streak in me.

anw, although i rant and raved about my parents, i'm grateful for the amount of trust they have in me. i can safely say that for 70% of the time, they have no idea what actually i've been up to. and to a very large extent, it is with this amount of freedom that i've enjoyed that makes me not want to let them down. i guess it is not very possible to totally step out of the life that your parents intend for you to lead. then again, i think it's better for their health if they kinda-know-but-not-actually as to what i've been doing and the people i hang out with (no offence whatsoever. hahas...) what they dont know wont kill them. what they do know will probably cause cardiac arrests.

i love the fact that exams are not a big part of my overall grades. because if they are and at the rate i'm going, i'm going to be totally screwed. i went shopping in the middle of an examination week. yup, i do have my priorities in place. the two wonderful years of slacking around in jc have forever warped my concept of studying. now i stress over the fact of being unstressed. i cant say for sure how well this system is working for me until the end of four years when (or if) i graduate. but am currently enjoying it. oh yarh... and i'm freaking cheap when it comes to clothes. i love bargains and the fact that i'm able to get alot out of very little cash.