Tuesday, February 28, 2006

love you


i doubt you even read this or know you are as such. but yarh.

and i will stop blogging until i manage to push my results up 4 grades.

Monday, February 27, 2006

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."


~dr seuss.

the halo-ed one


it is too much of a mishmash of things.
absolutely more than words.
i have not laughed so much, been so tired, lacking so much time to do my school work, feel so overwhelmingly loved, am so happy; in one weekend.
and i love all the people for making it happen :D
i need no further reassurance that i'm one lucky girl. my current only agenda should be to go back into school mode and study.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

ice mountain bashing


i just had the weirdest dream.

was on the bus 197 (a) going towards jurong (b). some little girl irritated me and i screamed at her (c). along the way, i witnessed a MTV being filmed on the road. i remember heading towards somebody's funeral (d). next thing i knew, i was on PIE trying to bash through an ice mountain (e) with my grandma. woke up when i was stuck at some tight rope thingy (f) in the middle of bashing.

my interpretations:
(a). i must have seen too many 197s when waiting for buses lately and i really need to learn how to drive.
(b). have too many friends living in jurong that the fact is starting to haunt me even when i sleep.
(c). i HATE children. hahas..
(d). someone has to die someway in all my dreams. serious.
(e). i miss odac activities?
(f). my fear of heights.

so plain weird. first sign on the road to insanity. especially when i seldom recall what i dreamt about.

Friday, February 24, 2006

erratic thoughts


i need miracles to do well in QM tml. pls pls pls pls pls pls be easy.
for one, compromising is worth it.
despite all the weird bruises.
people kill themselves (figuratively of course) willingly at times.
embracing.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

innocence lost


it was painful. having to stumble along, groping my way in the dark, not knowing what to expect, not daring to turn to anyone. because i know jaws will drop and eyes will pop. and i hate to destroy the apparent image. who am i kidding? i'm even more afraid of the judgements that would be passed. but i've matured so much in the process. they may not be the wisest decisions made but they are MY decisions. nothing beats living through it.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

becoming old


all of a sudden, you realise that the little baby you helped take care of years ago has grown up and developed a mind of her own. her sharp biting language surprises you but you are no doubt proud of her. having a real conversation with her after all these while makes you realise how much you have missed out on her growing up years. a shame. and try as you might, you can never recover those lost years. actually, it's quite scary to know that she will grow to be so much more than you. i guess this is how parents feel when they watch their kids grow up. i got a taste of that talking to my little cousin who is not so little anymore.

it is funny how we try to hang onto the past when here and now is happening right in front of us. because one of my most vivid memories is the four of us playing charades in my grandmother's living room. somehow, the scene stuck and i forgot that while i continued to grow up, she did too.

one thing's for sure. i am living with very independent-minded females. girl power!!
hahas.. and i think my dad is oppressed by me. what a turn of tides.

Monday, February 20, 2006

i will keep my cool and resist the urge to slap certain people for switching pre-arranged time slots at their whims and fancies. and i will stop being nice and accommodating to them because clearly, it is not appreciated. thanks for messing up my already crappy schedule. screw all of you!

Saturday, February 18, 2006

disabled


i experienced a teeny bit of what meaning the whole world to another person feels like; after working with my group's comm service project clients. they're so adorable and innocent. difficult to work with initially. but once they warm up to you, they really trust you so completely that you cant help but be touched. i've never expect a completer stranger to make me feel like i was the only person who mattered to him/her at that very moment. it was pure, unrestrained acceptance and trust. thank you for teaching me and lettting me experience that.

i think it is a huge joke to call them disabled when it is damn obvious that we 'normal people' are the disabled ones in so many aspects, this being one of those.

Friday, February 17, 2006

shoop shoop song


[cher]
Does he love me? I want to know
How can I tell, if he loves me so?
Is it in his eyes?
Oh no, you'll be deceived
Is it in his signs?
Oh no, he'll make believe
If you want to know if he loves you so
It's in his kiss
That's where it is

Is it in his face?
Oh no, that's just his charms
In his warm embrace?
Oh no, that's just his arms
If you want to know if he loves you so
It's in his kiss
That's where it is

Hug him and squeeze him tight
Find out what you want to know
If it's love, if it really is
It's there in his kiss

How about the way he acts?
Oh no, that's not the way
And you're not listenin' to all I say
If you wanna know if he loves you so
It's in his kiss
That's where it is
It's in his kiss
That's where it is

Hug him and squeeze him tight
Find out what you want to know
If it's love, if it really is it's there in his kiss

How about the way he acts?
Oh no, that's not the way
And you're not listenin' to all I say
If you wanna know if he loves you so
It's in his kiss
That's where it is

It's in his kiss
That's where it is

completely random.
hahas.. i didnt believe my dad when he told me the title of this song. and strangely, it sounded really nice when it was sung by GUYS in american idol. told you this is completely random.
i attract weird people. and i try very hard not to be mean by not laughing.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

my affinity with the letter 's'


sihui
sn
sa
smu
satisfied
slack
stone
sleep
(and last but not least)
statistic mid term which i am supposed to be studying for right now.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

syriana


i like the way they filmed the show depicting the different perspective. at the end of the day, there is no right or wrong. it's all a matter of perspectives. human beings are selfish. we are willing to go all out to justify our actions even though deep down, we are very clear that it is all a scam. and some of us live all our lives doing that.

i do wish that people dont pass moral judgements. but being the self-righteous and inquisitive freaks that we all are, we do that all the time anyway. things are never what they seem and certain aspects of life are simply inexplicable. there are times when we toed, thread and crossed the invisible lines we base our values on. and then we look back and ask ourselves if we should have drawn a more distinct line or that there was no line to speak of in the fist place. at the cusp of hitting the big 2-0, i've come to accept that particular issues are meant to remain mysteries in life. the important thing is to mature and grow from all the experiences and keep our fingers crossed that we do not become jaded and cynical.

focusing on the positivities; and trust that you yourself is the captain of your destiny and happiness. and i believe that deriving pleasures out of the small thing in life is the way to go :)

have the courage to change all you cannot accept and accept all you cannot change.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

something for v day


"I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the epitiome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But I had to say it. I just, I just cant take this anymore. I cant stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I cant, I cant look into your eyes without feeling that, that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I cant talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. And I know this will probably queer our friendship - no pun intended - but I had to say it, because I've never felt this way before, and I dont care. I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we cant hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But God, I just, I couldnt allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which, by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And you know, I'll accept that. But I know... I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. And I ask, please, is that you just, you just not dismiss that- and try to dwell in for just ten seconds.

Alyssa, there isnt another soul on this fucking planet who ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Becuase it is there between you and me. You cant deny that. Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I'm forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me." Holden to Alyssa in 'Chasing Amy'

that is so incredibly sweet!! (and i didnt even watch the show.)
to all the people out there, with or without anyone special, have a great valentine's day :D

Sunday, February 12, 2006

the amount of time i spend blogging is directly proportionate to the amount of time i'm SUPPOSED to spend doing work.

my younger BROTHER has nicer handwriting than me! i am traumatised.

from the top of my head


i should just leave my phone in silent mode. especially i'm alone in the room and it is totally quiet. getting the shock of your life is NOT funny. this is one big reason why i dont watch scary movies. ever. am too much of a coward and wuss.

cant rem the exact comment but she said that being in business is not really exploring the brain's fullest potential (or somewhere along those lines). didnt take offense as i agreed. i am truly losing my ability to think and write. social commentary based on my points of view dont count. since i repeat them over and over again to different people anw. there's this opinion about how being aware of your flaws is the first step to a change for the better. what others should know about me is that while i am aware of the flaw, i am seldom motivated enough to change. or hardworking enough.

honestly, since i'm not amazingly smart or amazingly talented or amazingly beautiful, it's a miracle that i got where i am today. who says miracles dont happen? i swear by them!!!

the less you hope things happen, the more they actually do. sometimes, the most insignificant things cheer me up. i'm done analysing my relationships with others. if you cant take me for who i am, too bad! i sound like a self absorbed brat but i dont see the need for me to change to suit anyone. hahas.. which makes my parents super worried that i will be stuck by their side forever. like i'm that bad a daughter.

my family is funny. they decided that they should sell me their houses and cars. yes, i DO have the money to purchase. in maybe ten years' time. my lovely grandmother has already booked me for the first meal using my pay after i graduate. sometimes, the amount of confidence they have in me is downright delusional. other times, they drive me up the wall. but i cant imagine life without any of them. and i dont want a life without any of them :)

Friday, February 10, 2006

applicable to...


my o level lit text: Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his or her shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

school: Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

commercialisation: If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

mobs: Don't underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers.

(non) thinkers: Some people get lost in thought because it is such unfamiliar territory.

looks: Ugliness is superior to beauty because it lasts.

love at first sight: Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by again?

gender inequility: A man talks dirty to a women and it is sexual harassement. A women talks dirty to a man and it is $3.95 a min.

sincerity: Sincerity is the key. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

victory: Winning is not everything. It's the only thing.

still


still lacking time management
still not doing work
still aimless
still bothered
still tired
still finding the cutest thing
still not moving on

still contradictory

neurotic


i cant understand how a particular ms song can take it. with different friends in different continents.

suddenly, the feeling of emptiness is magnified yet again. i miss her so much.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

sweet! :)


there are days when you are expected to go on and on and on relentlessly. today is one of those. surprisingly, i'm still raring to go. it's all about putting things in perspective i guess.

i LOVE the rain. and i'm so sure it loves me back. cos i will be caught in its embrace everytime i refuse to take an umbrella out. but a million 'told u so's later, the same thing will still repeat the next time.

"I think she is motivated and steers the team in her own way unknowingly w/o being pushy."
i managed to grow up from being a self-centred freak at last!!
school: the only place i will be described as quiet. seriously. you have to be there with me to experience it for yourself. hahas...

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

i love you


girls!! hahas... incessant sia.
seriously, someone should just be in arts. and it's more than the witty characteristic. it's also about the REALLY overactive imagination. and since this is my blog, the argument about the link between certain characteristics and arts will not surface.

her he sounds like some animal. and there is NO special her he. i promise to call all you so-very-interested-to-know people when i'm finally attached. i swear. so i have NOTHING to tell you people for now.

still, hanging out with one of the crappiest group i know is lovely. cos it mkes the difficult situation much more bearable.


saying goodbye is so incredibly hard. warped thought: i should just keep all my friendships as such and not make anymore friends, not close ones at least. i dont know how many goodbyes i can take. and i thought i will be too tired to cry.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

slack means


not realising that your stats midterm is next week. the horrors!
loving your comms lesson simply because you can sit around and do nothing but just listen (which i do a lot nowadays).
blogging in the midst of lesson.
your work keeps piling and piling and piling... and piling.
having no idea why i have no time cos i havent been doing anything constructive. not enough anyway.

the day when i decided that school should be so much more than results makes my life much more interesting since. but it also makes me come up with lousy excuses not do work per se. balance jacqueline, balance.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

cry


i need to get a grip of myself. i've cried every single day since fri. whether conscious or not. i know crying is therapeutic but doing it so often makes me really tired (or maybe i'm just tired to begin with). and it's quite funny cos watching 'honey' made me emotional. when there's not much of a plot to speak of. although i love the dancing. i guess dance and music are very parts of me even though i can do neither. at least the sick feeling at the pit of my somach is slowly diminishing now. overall, i just have this feeling of emptiness. i'm not sure if it's because she's leaving or he's no longer surprising or i suddenly feel that my life is quite meaningless. but i have always loved the frivolity of my life. i think my parents would think that i'm mad if they walk into me like this. feeling empty and jaded are the two worst emotions one can ever experience. i've been and still am an optimistic person. and feeling such already sucks to the core when i'm feeling them occasionally. cant imagine how pessimists live.

i want to find something or someone or someplace to make me laugh again. anything that makes this unexplicable sense of loss go away.

Friday, February 03, 2006

too emotional


i know as a friend, i should be happy that she is doing what she wants and loves. but there is so much of me that wants to hang on to her. he asked if i was going to be alright with her leaving. i wished that the answer was yes. maybe if i cried enough now, i would not flood the airport and scare everyone cos me crying is not a pretty sight.

i wished that moments spent together could freeze in time.

i will be ok. eventually. but for this very moment, i'm going to be emotional and childishly resentful that she is truly honestly going to leave for nz already.

on a separate note:
i do enjoy every single feeling i've experienced because of it. still, it gets kinda tiring. i became exponentially happy and exponentially sad. basically, just crazier.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

semi-charmed life


[third eye blind]
I'm packed and I'm holding,
I'm smiling, she's living, she's golden and
she lives for me, She says she lives for me,
Ovation, She's got her own motivation,
she comes round and she goes down on me,
And I make her smile, It's like a drug for you,
Do ever what you want to do,
Coming over you,
Keep on smiling,
what we go through.
One stop to the rhythm that divides you,
And I speak to you like the chorus to the verse,
Chop another line like a coda with a curse,
And I come on like a freak show takes the stage.
We give them the games we play, she said,
I want something else, to get me through this,
Semi-charmed kind of life,
I want something else,
I'm not listening when you say, Good-bye.

The sky it was gold, it was rose,
I was taking sips of it through my nose,
And I wish I could get back there,
Some place back there,
Smiling in the pictures you would take,
Doing crystal myth,
Will lift you up until you break,
It won't stop,
I won't come down, I keep stock,
With a tick tock rhythm and a bump for the drop,
And then I bumped up. I took the hit I was given,
Then I bumped again,
And then I bumped again.
How do I get back there to,
The place where I fell asleep inside you?
How do I get myself back to,
The place where you said,
I want something else to get me through this,
semi-charmed kind of life,
I want something else,
I'm not listening when you say, good-bye,

I believe in the sand beneath my toes,
The beach gives a feeling,
An earthy feeling,
I believe in the faith that grows,
And the four right chords can make me cry,
When I'm with you I feel like I could die.
And that would be all right,
All right, When the plane came in,
She said she was crashing,
The velvet it rips,
In the city we tripped,
On the urge to feel alive,
But now I'm struggling to survive,
The days you were wearing,
That velvet dress,
You're the priestess,
must confess,
Those little red panties,
They pass the test,
Slide up around the belly,
Face down on the mattress,
One,
Now you hold me,
And we're broken.
Still it's all that I want to do.
Feel myself with a head made of the ground,
I'm scared but I'm not coming down.
And I won't run for my life,
She's got her jaws just locked now in smile
but nothing is all right,
All right, I want something else,
To get me through this,
Semi-charmed kind of life,
I want something else,
I'm not listening when you say,
good-bye.

start


my parents are used to seeing me chop more and more of it off each time that they no longer have any reaction. sad. then again, not like their reactions would make any difference.

it is damn fun to be able to have girly conversations and kinda-bitching sessions with your ex-teachers. and rediscovering why i love them so much in the first place. i really must keep in touch with them more often. i guess the more you grow up, the less age becomes an issue wrt friendship. maybe it's more of me having an issue in the first place.

btw, i wonder why i have to be the cheerleader for the people around me? where are mine?!?! not that i dont enjoy doing so since being aware of the bigger problems out there makes your worries pale in comparison.

ultimately, i live for myself. (yup, being a selfish ass as usual.) and if i feel fulfilled with the things happening around me, it's sufficient. i've stopped being unrealistic in hoping that things dont change. it sometimes take a fear of the unknown to shock your system into reality and what matters come tumbling back.