Friday, March 31, 2006

actually. sufficient.


"At times it is strangely sedative to know the extent of your own powerlessness." Erica Jong

i shall not even start on how fucked i am with my first paper in 9 frigging days.
it is weird cos i am happy. for no real apparent reason. when stress should have been the state i ought to be in.
minus the impending doom, i love my life.
conclusion: i am going mad.

and it is all huan's fault that i am swearing so much. -looks innocent-

Thursday, March 30, 2006

from the city campus


my sleeping pattern is seriously fucked and i look like crap. then again, why should i care how i look like when passing the exam a little over a week again proves to be a HUGE problem?

i love my FA prof but he speaks greek.
i like my stats prof but she speaks greek too.
i know that my QM prof earns too much money because she seemed genuinely shocked that one thousand dollar can be a month's and not a week's salary. i didnt even get 1k when i worked. sheesh.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

THANK YOU for


remembering. (but those who are close to me will know that i didnt quite give them a chance to forget.)
all the ones who i expect to remember.
all those who i'm thoroughly surprised you guys remembered.
the wishes from newzealand and thailand especially. and of course everyone else in singapore :)
all the celebrations before, today and after (the people who fall under this category better not break promises).
making me feel so loved and important.

i never quite outgrew birthdays. even after being in this world for two decades. i hope i never will.
words fail to capture my feeling right now.
but simply said, you all know who you are.
and i LOVE all of you back!!

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

v


Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is it vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished, as the once vital voice of the verisimilitude now venerates what they once vilified. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose vis-à-vis an introduction, and so it is my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V.

this is so cool. and when i'm free-er, i will attached the meaning of all the words. will do five for now.

voila: there it is; there you are
vaudevillian: a type of entertainment popular chiefly in US in the early 20th century, featuring a mixture of speciality acts such as burlesque comedy and song and dance
veteran: a person who has had long experience in a particular file
vicariously: experienced in the imagination through the feelings or actions of another person
vicissitude: a change in circumstance or fortune, esp one that is unwelcomed or unpleasant

talk about vocabulary expansion.

Monday, March 27, 2006

so long ago


"If there was ever a time to dare, to make a difference, to embark on something worth doing, it is now. Not for any grand cause necessarily - but for something that tugs at your heart, something that is aspiration, something that is your dream. You owe it to yourself to make the days here count. Have fun. Dig deep. Search.

Dream big. Know, though, that things worth doing seldom come easy. There will be good days. And there will be bad days. There will be times when you want to turn around, pack it up and call it quits. Those times tell you that you are pushing yourself, that you are not afraid to learn by trying.

Persist. Because with an idea, determination, and the right tools, you can do great things. Let your instincts, your intellect, and your heart guide you.

Trust. Believe in the incredible power of the human mind of doing something that makes a difference. Of working hard. Of laughing and hoping. Of lazy afternoons. Of lasting friends. Of all the things that will cross your path this year.

The start of something new brings the hope of something great. Anything is possible. There is only one you. And you will pass this way only once."


oh my! two entries within a day in two consecutive days. signifying that i'm turning into a recluse who has nothing in her life other than blogging and struggling through her school work. i need to get away from typing this soon so that i can proceed on to type out my comms presentation. the paragraph was stumbled upon while doing research. while i attempt to re-live and put my obs experience into words yet again. it is quite apt that i've found it. right when i needed inspiration and motivation. a little bit before turning 20. am hoping (ok.. scratch that). this will be a good sign that i am going to be able to better cope with everything, remain happy/elated/enthus and live before i hit adulthood. and i shall continue pretending that i am 18 still. :)

ever the same


'Now it's cold and we're scared
And we've both been shaken
Yeah, look at us man,
This doesn't need to be the end

Just let me hold you while you're falling apart
Just let me hold you and we'll both fall down

Fall on me tell me everything you want me to be
Forever with you
Forever in me
Ever the same
Call on me
and I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me
Forever it's you
Forever in me
Ever the same'

4 weeks more but why does it seem so unbearable? as much as i tell myself to grit my teeth and go through with it, as much as i'd like to hang on and have as much faith in myself as all who i love have in me; i am falling apart. it is extemely sardonic in that while i want to just close myself in, i am crying for help.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

the level of my efficiency is inversely proportionate to the amount of time i have. how nice.
the more i study, the more i realise the amount of things i dont know. so the conclusion: i shld not study.

brat


i need time. i need sleep. i need motivation. i need inspiration. i need energy. i need smart pills. i need happy pills. i need the world to stop moving so that i can move forward in hope of propelling but i know the greater likelihood is to merely catch up.

you are right, i am a brat. but people around me are condoning my actions (of sorts). so i will remain brattishly so.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

immaculate


surreal, surreal, surreal. i can hop around and shout about it. still, doing such will not take away an inch of the phantasmagorical feeling. but it is real and it is there. concealed right under our noses. hidden by the parties involved. and celebrated in private.

Friday, March 24, 2006

underlying


we set the bar. yay! but why does it still feel like we have so much to settle when the final presentation is over?

came to the sad conclusion that even if i forgo sleep, it is unlikely that i'll be able to complete all the things i have to this weekend. how to prioritise when everything screams "i should be the top of the list"? why is it that even "waking up" at the second half of the semester seems to fail in propelling me forward? so irritating.

despite wanting to experience the whole ambit of whatever (i have lost my vocab a long time ago), i do hope ever so often that everything could have been normal. i'm always full of contradictions. underlying emotional issues have yet to be addressed but taking comfort in the fact that care still exists.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

my beloved march bday comm and class clique


one vegetable bouquet, one top that was insisted upon by ms bball captain herself that it resembled some hairsalon cloth, one bikini, two flowers garlands, a 20-candle bday cake and lots of balloons (somethings never change), the committee can finally rest again until yet another year. major exchange of presents and money took place. we were literally stared at for being so silly and loud. but who cares? i love all the presents the girls gave me, from the ptless (what am i supposed to do with a bouquet of vegetables anw?) to the wanted-by-me (devil's dictionary was not exactly too expected although i did tell ms sabo queen that i wanted it.) hahas... you know that i adore you girls for making every single bday so memorable and despite the fact that not a single one of us grasp the meaning of subtlety. ;p

debbie, your mum will probably stop you from going out with me EVER if she sees this but you coming back tops all bday presents that i'll ever receive this year. i'm quite sure the rest of the committee with somehow ensure that this will be some kind of precedence to future march bday celebrations.

and from the funky calendar: there's no pleasure in having nothing to do. the pleasure is in having lots to do and not doing it :)

i feel like hugging all of you right now!!

Sunday, March 19, 2006

once in a while, getting a near heartattack is not a bad thing. :D

running out


of time. as usual. irony is that whenever i finally found the inspiration to really mug, i will come to realise the sad sad fact that i will never be able to finish anything that i'm supposed to do cos it's all too late. i'm trying hard to be optimistic. and hopefully the optimism will lead me out of the abyss of painful truth that i may have to face in four weeks' time.

love the biatches. from the whole, lying scheming plot to the gossiping throughout the night. for the fabulous company, embarrassing moments and the gifts. most importantly, for all the love :) we proved naysayers who claim that you can never find true friends in university wrong.

despite wanting and rather justified to, i will attempt to stop using 28th as an excuse to slack.
cant wait for next tue! and i shall remember that whatever the two of them do to me, i will still love the march comm.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

when push comes to shove coupled with my bad mood, nice-ness is no longer a commodity i possess. i dont get mad, i get even.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

parts of 'shiver'


'immobilised by the thought of you
paralysed by the sight of you
hypnotised by the words you say
not true but i believe 'em anyway
so come to bed, it's getting late
there's no more time for us to waste
remember how my body tastes
you feel your heart begin to race'

love Maroon 5.
and i should stop fooling around (which includes going out four days this week even if it's for two hours each). GPA is at stake. gah!

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

depravation


i honestly, truly, totally dont mean to gloat. -tries to look innocent- hahas... ok, who am i kidding? i am so gloating :p i have nothing against her personally but her actions (to put it mildly) are questionable. perhaps doing so makes it more real for her. despite the pretences, i still feel this level of guardedness when i'm around her. the air of hostility has never been dispelled.

and i'm remaining happily evil and mean. she should just come to terms.

Monday, March 13, 2006

the vortex of ambiguity
why am i never good enough?
crushed by workload and expectations

Sunday, March 12, 2006

shattered illusions


i know i should stop bitching about people behind their backs. but i cant help it. esp to friends whom i know almost half my life. i'm such an evil person.

in three days, two completely unrelated persons in totally different circumstances thought i was a sportsperson. i'm utterly amused. just watch me do any sports in two, erm... make that one minute, and the whole illusion of me being a sportsperson is shattered. it helps to have a thick skin and not caring what people think when i engage in sporting or at times pseudo sporting activities. hahas.. and i know i'm not making use of the height and length (of limbs) advantage i happen to have. actually, i get the sportsperson misunderstanding quite often. though it never fails to crack me up.

hung up-ness


some choices are unlikely to sit well with people. but this, in no way, means that i'm a less than well-adjusted girl with a fantastic family. there comes a point when society has to come to accept things it does not always understand. it is then when we can truly claim the 'first world' accolade.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

people change


as all the experiences become memories, i look back in retrospect. the times i've laughed, the times i cried. the times i got angry with myself, the times i was pissed off by you. the times i acted crazy, the times sudden bouts of sanity regained.

it was a big rollercoaster ride and i lost count of the exhilarating and scray moments. occasionally, the dark tunnel seems never ending. on others, the bright sun never stopped shining. but every single part of the ride was memorable, something which i'll never forget.

if i could turn back time, i would relive all of them again. i'm just a sucker for happier times. not that i'm unhappy now. things are just different. we grow up, leave a bit of ourselves behind and move on with our lives. so many things/places remind me of you but it's inevitable. and strangely, i'm thankful instead of harbouring resentment. because even as we drift apart, there are still tangible aspects that remain, however 'surface' they may appear to be.

as usual, i'm being matter of fact. i guess you can only remain in your own fantasy and be deluded for that long. i was told by friends that i am sometimes too practical. but matter of fact is just matter of fact. there are still so many things i wanted to say that i never got to saying, things i wanted to do but never got around doing; but i have accumulated enough insanity. essentially, i have no major regrets.

walking through this on my own, i've learnt that i'm stronger and more sensible than i ever thought i was. it's kinda sad that i cant really share most of it with people but it also made everything more unique-ly mine. am i even making sense? perhaps i'm taking it for granted but i know that you'll always be around for me. which is why going separate ways is bearable. thank you for being part of life.


[rockapella]
Didn't hear a tone, are you, hello
I never hear a tone, I guess you know
I can't remember what I called to say
I thought you might be home on Saturday

I really can't believe it's been a year
It took a little time without you here
I'm guessing you survived alone somehow
It's good that I can joke about it now

I still avoid the park at Christopher
Never wanna feel the way we were
Unless I'm in a hurry for that train
And that's the only newsstand open late

People change (people change) everyday (everyday)
Change like you (change like you)
I got all the time in the world

People cry (people cry) all the time (all the time)
Cry like me (cry like me)
We got all the time in the world

It's been so long that no one even asks
And everybody's walkin' on the grass
Grass that took a while to reappear
I'd forgotten green without you here

Christmas came and went upon this bench
Tryin' to justify what made no sense
Now the ivy's overrun the tears
But it could never hide what happened here

People change (people change) everyday (everyday)
Change like you (change like you)
I got all the time in the world

People cry (people cry) all the time (all the time)
Cry like me (cry like me)
We got all the time in the world

(Fillin' in the conversation by myself)
(Fillin' in the reason why you leave me leavin', leavin')
(Thinkin' back, the hope we had was more than mine)

The hope we had was more than mine (more than mine)
I know it makes sense to you (more than mine)
Just make it make sense to me

Maybe I'm alive beneath the snow
Maybe you're too petrified to know
I can't believe that you would tell me lies
How could I have missed that in those eyes

Maybe if I only heard your voice
I would understand you had no choice
And though I'm glad it's clear for you to see
I wish that you could make it make sense to me

People cry (people cry) all the time (all the time)
Cry like me (cry like me)
I got all the time in the world

Flowin' in and out your life (people change)
By tomorrow mornin (everyday)
Flowin' in and out my life (people change)

People change (people change) everyday
People cry (people change) all the time
People change (people change) everyday

in one day


disagreements are inevitable but i think it's just sad that the mgt cant see the opinions and the reasons behind these opinions of the people on the ground. i do get that the mgt faces alot of their own contraints. but if the lack of understanding is sufficient to drive the extremely dedicated people away, it's just such a waste. politics sucks.

i wonder if there was something i should learn between A levels and uni that i missed out. everyone's expectations of you grow a million fold - just cos the whole persona you have taken on is called undergraduate. oh wells... i know i will rise to the occasion. it's do or die anw. i am afterall my harshest critic so if i end up killing myself, it is my own fault. school is only as much as what you want it to be. which is why i refuse to totally cut off all my social activities despite the fact that my grades need some sorta miracles. i am seriously worried. to be really pragmatic, i guess this is the last stage of my youth-hood. thus, i want to continue knowing a diversity of people. i want to continue being myself despite all the pressures to conform to a certain mould. i want to continue to live life (though i'm sadly lacking of it right now). forever i want. hahas.

love my funTy people. only with them that we can spend like an hour imitating other people's laughter, create a pointless conv out of it and laugh till i cry. we are so full of crap and nonsense. and i think his royal highness the prince can write a book on pointless theories together with my lover aka his cutie. we already have too many. if only funTy outings are not so painful for the wallets. then all will be perfect. :)

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

dont know where to start


the avalanche of work is staring at me right now.

and jh loves to ask ask ques that she knows she wont get ans too. at least not from me.
i made a discovery of a quiet but relatively filledwithshops mall (shit! am losing my ability to type in proper english). oks.. so it's not quite a discovery since it has been staring at me for qt some time. i shall declare that my new fav butratheroutoftheway place.
i shld be depressed more often. then my friends will be exceptionally nice to me.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

insecure


so i did not manage to push up my grades AT ALL. but am in the process of nerdification.

i'm not a terribly insecure person but it's hard to be secure when you're in an institution where you have to work three times as hard as the next person to be able to score the same results they get when they dont put in much effort at all. and they're all freaking hardworking. so where am i going to stand? i know that there're a lot of smart people out there since i stepped into secondary sch (when i became less delusional). and it's going to be worse the higher i climb up the education ladder. but when the truth slaps you hard in the face, it is still difficult to bear. the most irritating thing is that most of the people i know are smart and goodlooking and rich and nice. GAH! it's so much easier to hate them if they are nasty. so now that they are nice, i end up liking them and feeling like a totally useless freak. i hate it that i have to struggle so much to get a semi-decent grade. i'm not even rich enough to buy my way out/up (not that i would but at least if i have the money, it remains an option). pretty depressing things to think about.

why is it that i always feel like i have not learnt anything at the onset of the second half of semester? and my exams are in 5 weeks' time. yay! funny how when i'm starting to be successful in nerdification, so many other obligations (none social) have to crop up. i love my life now sia.

barely surviving despite all my pillars of strength.
i'm still in mourning.
there's nothing that quite describe it. it is just so fucking hard. but we learn and grow. hopefully.