insecure
so i did not manage to push up my grades AT ALL. but am in the process of nerdification.
i'm not a terribly insecure person but it's hard to be secure when you're in an institution where you have to work three times as hard as the next person to be able to score the same results they get when they dont put in much effort at all. and they're all freaking hardworking. so where am i going to stand? i know that there're a lot of smart people out there since i stepped into secondary sch (when i became less delusional). and it's going to be worse the higher i climb up the education ladder. but when the truth slaps you hard in the face, it is still difficult to bear. the most irritating thing is that most of the people i know are smart and goodlooking and rich and nice. GAH! it's so much easier to hate them if they are nasty. so now that they are nice, i end up liking them and feeling like a totally useless freak. i hate it that i have to struggle so much to get a semi-decent grade. i'm not even rich enough to buy my way out/up (not that i would but at least if i have the money, it remains an option). pretty depressing things to think about.
why is it that i always feel like i have not learnt anything at the onset of the second half of semester? and my exams are in 5 weeks' time. yay! funny how when i'm starting to be successful in nerdification, so many other obligations (none social) have to crop up. i love my life now sia.
barely surviving despite all my pillars of strength.
i'm still in mourning.
there's nothing that quite describe it. it is just so fucking hard. but we learn and grow. hopefully.
jacq | 10:51:00 AM
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