Saturday, April 29, 2006

paper chase


you know you are truly living in singapore when your prof sends you an email 4 days before an unofficial grade release, going at length on what you should consider before requesting for a grade review. even in my university.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

shades of grey


having to differentiate and compartmentalise black and white is just plain dumb. increasingly, the things around me are turning grey; and not just grey, shades of it. i guess it's about doing the right thing and making choices in response to a particular situation. maybe this is why i like moral ambiguities - because i'm a walking, living one.

point to ponder: soldiers in the 21st century are expected to be 'thinking'. but doesnt the military operate on obectives and whatever they call it in a system of 'no questions asked'?

i need to read more.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

travelling


i've been to montecito, las vegas; hell and Isla de Muerta without stepping out of my house.

I LOVE MY TELEVISION SET!!

Sunday, April 23, 2006

just skin deep


i am such a sucker for pretty boys. sadly, no one near; all of the hollywood caliber. but hooray for eye candies anyway.

at the age of botox, augmentation and implants, everybody can turn into a swan. meaning that people should start getting brains first cos if any physical feature is unsatisfactory, hey! there is always plastic! contrarily, try getting a new brain.

http://www.awfulplasticsurgery.com/archives/005189.html
paris hilton in her teenage years. if in possession of tons of cash, there is hope for mere (or maybe not so) mortals still.

Friday, April 21, 2006

whimsical


the magical quality of the picture-perfect moments that reserve to be felt and recollected in the mind.
everything out of place with the natural order of stuff but nothing to fix.
never being a level playing field as the disparities are too many to count.
could have been transient but they are stubbornly held on to.

it is particularly incommensurable about the precise moment that a certain something delights us such that a look and a smile are exchanged. entirely spontaneous, rather frivolous but extremely sweet. it is fleeting instances like this that adds to the complexity. yet, somehow, the spark that fuels it has always been present.

at the end of the day, i'm still a hopeless romantic at heart. even though my family seems certain that i'm a heartless, dispassionate soul who needs help. if only they knew.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

thanks to time on my hand...


My ex is currently and possibly forever never going to exist.
Maybe I should develop wings and fly (the super power i desire to possess.)
I love everyone who matters to me.
I don't understand many many things. which i prefer to continue cos ignorance is bliss.
I lose my self-belief once in a while.
People say i'm weird/enigmatic/eclectic. whatever happened to pretty/sweet/nice? hahas
Love is something that seems elusive but is always present in different forms.
Somewhere, someone is definitely in a worse situation than me so i have no right to not be happy.
I will always be naive and positive. hopefully.
Forever is eternally, continually there.
I never want to be jaded and lose faith.
When I wake up in the morning, i want to sleep some more. every single day.
My past is what made me who i am today.
I get annoyed when people get away with things that they should not.
Parties are for fun when i'm with close friends.
Kisses are signs of affection. and beautiful.
Tomorrow, i'll park myself in front of my tv and slack the day away.
I really want to grow a money-producing tree.
I have low tolerance for everything and everyone if i'm in a bad mood.

and acknowledgements to shihui. i think this is the first one i ever did :)

high life


at times ridiculous, at times being laughed at, at times laughing back, at times trying to spring (absolutely unsuccessful) surprises, at times stoned (for sleeping at 5am) but always wonderful company! i doubt i will ever have a more exclusive bbq or ever sleep with four people sharing one blanket in this lifetime other than with you biatches. although we realised that we only can afford to meet every two weeks or so in order to have enough money to get by the rest of life, i know we'll manage to beg/borrow/steal if we have to (:

i love the something special that can never have an equivalent.

as for the two of you:
i'm touched that you thought of me during the whole freakish incident. but you almost give me a heartattack when i read that initial msg. pls pls pls take care of youself more and stop giving me cardiac arrests. and they still have your fav apple syrup.
just because you will eventually sweat it off doesnt make it healthy to eat a lot of ketchup and salt.

Monday, April 17, 2006

what it is


i think i'll eventually have to come to terms with my probably sucky grades three weeks from now. meanwhile, i'll bask in the short-lived euphoria of being on holiday at last. similar to other idiotic human beings, the ability to do something you really want to given the opportunity and time is not as thrilling as doing the same thing notgiven the opportunity and time. but i'm not complaining. i can go in search of deeping meaning in life etc etc etc. ultimately, i'm still having extremely frivolous pursuits. and i'll end up looking back in time marvelling the stupidity of the moments and nevertheless thankful that i went through them. my life as such.

part two of my epiphany (did i talk about part one in the first place? cant recall): focus on what it is rather than what it is not. it is one of the craziest thing i've done. it is one source of strength. it is part of my journey of self-discovery. it is a part of life i want to preserve. it is partially pseudo, partially real, always on the plateau of abstruseness. it is escapism from the real world yet not completely denied of it. it is my choice. it is mostly fun, laughter, peace and joy. it is something beautiful. and it is enough where it is.

i fulfilled my wedding vows to my tv. 3.5 hours out of the 5 hours i've been at home. for better or worse. :p

Saturday, April 15, 2006

are we focusing too much on the trifles in life that we are missing out the bigger picture?
but i wonder: if we are not even coping with these trifles, how are we going to speak of the larger perspective?
do we dream big or prioritise the banals but must haves?
do we continue propelling forward or strive to be contented with what we already have?

what is the meaning behind all these questioning?

Friday, April 14, 2006

soar


When they push when they pull, tell me can you hold on
When they say you should change can you lift your head high and stay strong
Will you give up, give in, when your heart's crying out that it's wrong
Will you love you for you at the end of it all

Now, in life, there's gonna be times when you're feeling low
And in your mind insecurity seems to take control
We start to look outside ourselves for acceptance and approval
We keep forgettin' that the one thing we should know is

Don't be scared to fly alone, find a path that is your own
Love will open every door it's in your hands, the world is yours
Don't hold back and always know, all the answers will unfold
What are you waiting for, spread your wings and soar

The boy who wonders is he good enough for them
He's tryin' to please 'em all but he just never seems to fit in
Then there's the girl who thinks she'll never ever be good enough for him
She's tryin' to change and that's a game she'll never win

In the mirror is where she comes face to face with her fears
Her own reflection, now foreign to her after all these years
All of her life she has tried to be something besides herself
Now time has passed and she's ended up someone else with regret

What is it in us that makes us feel the need to keep pretending
Gotta let ourselves be

Don't be scared to fly alone, find a path that is your own
Love will open every door it's in your hands, the world is yours
Don't hold back and always know, all the answers will unfold
What are you waiting for, spread your wings and soar

Don't be scared to fly alone, find a path that is your own
Love will open every door it's in your hands, the world is yours
Don't hold back and always know, all the answers will unfold
What are you waiting for, spread your wings and soar

Don't wait, no more Soar
Dont' wait no more
Spread your wings and soar Soar
What you waitin' for?

i hate feeling inadequate. it consumes you in horrendous ways. it makes you doubt your abilities. it results in you being a mood swingish brat who irritates everyone around you. i hereby apologise. I AM SORRY to all who have to bear with me in the past weeks. i promise to be better soon.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

counting my chickens


this semester has been a crappy one in general. i dont feel any sense of relief when my papers are over like i used to. expectations. the one word that makes me push myself more and (hopefully) forward. that plus being perfectionistic. in that sense, i'm high strung.

anw, my target grade for this sem doesnt seem attainable at the current point of time. i know that i shld be satisfied for my comms grade considering the amount of actual work i put into the course. could have been worse but. i dare not put too much hope in LTB. i had a fun and enriching time working with my group. but everyone seems hung up on the fact that we didnt have any conflict (what is the world coming to? trying to make people get into conflicts for the sake of learning. sheesh!) as for stats, i have no doubts abt my abilities in math. hate the subj although i've always been able to do pretty ok in it. however, my class has crazy people who score full marks like nobody's biz. shittified. i'm keeping my fingers crossed that i didnt screwup QM that much. since i've paid attention to a grand total of 2 seminars and had been a vacant, empty shell - being physically present but otherwise absent - for the whole term. and i refuse to count the number of stupid mistakes i've made for today's paper - heart wrenching. let's not even go into FA shall we? i'll just say that i'm willing to fork out good money should i have my own biz in future to hire real accountants. i need divine intervention from ALL religions and i may not even scrap through it.

i'm turning into a result-obsessed bitch and i'm not proud of it. i cant wait for week 19 so that i can finally have closure for this sucky sem (with hopefully decent grades or grades atrocious enough to have to re-do). i marvel at the fact that i'm pushing myself on. because i'm not seeing any big picture. i've never really got close to seeing it all my life.

partially psychotic, inevitably insane and becoming berserk.

"Let there be spaces in your togetherness." Khalil Gibran

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

positively rambling. but still making sense. to me.


"Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do, I wouldn't know
Just how capable I am to pull through
So I just wanna say thank you"

resent resent resent. i should totally focus on FA. but bouts of jealousy are creeping into and corrupting my brain. gah! actually, i'm not really TOO affected by it. after all, there are certain things are frozen in time and cannot be relived or retold. not encapsulated in their entireties anw.

on one hand, i know in certainty what i'm getting myself into. on the other, i think i'm quite an idiot for putting myself in this situation. i'd like to think that i'm the one who is clearer headed. cos i'm the one who knows but whom others dont know about. at the end of the day, i just want to win. even if winning means nothing cos i'm just a sucker for winning. although it is pretty sick to think of this whole issue as a game.

i'll be lying through my teeth if i said that i dont enjoyed all the attention being lavished upon. but i'm still getting the shorter end of the stick. anyhows, i hope whatever conflict i'm feeling will come back and bite; one day in the future. why should i be the one always in confusion? i get even. eventually.

i've gotten and is still getting a lot out of it. the weighing scale is tipped towards more good than bad. it's all about looking at things in context. at this point in time, as there is no other special person in my life, the feeling of being lost is qt overwhelming. however, i have no doubt that one day in the future, some special person will walk into my life and the line that i have never ever drawn will have to be chalked. till then, i'll try not to be too affected by irrelevant stuff and concentrate on here and now.

like FA.

inside man


"outside woman" (and a few other things)

downpour that lasts all of 15mins.
finally not getting lost.
looking studious. (it's all fake!)
eating, eating, eating. that should cease being a fixture. like now.
moral ambiguities.
i need to save money. or better still, find a cash producing tree.
god-grandmother-hood. and now, i'm exponentially old.
i need to figure my way around singapore. period.

where all roles are up for grabs and the black and white of wrong and right has blurred to the shadowy landscape of grey.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

sometimes in life,
you have to do things that you may not necessarily like
in order to do things you love.

hero


[mariah carey]
There's a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid
Of what you are
There's an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know
Will melt away

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

It's a long road
When you face the world alone
No one reaches out a hand
For you to hold
You can find love
If you search within yourself
And the emptiness you felt
Will disappear

Lord knows
Dreams are hard to follow
But don't let anyone
Tear them away
Hold on
There will be tomorrow
In time
You'll find the way

less than 24 hours before i say goodbye to stats forever. keeping fingers (and toes, and legs, and arms and...) crossed.

do i


do i really know what i'm doing? do i really need...? do i really understand the implications...? do i really consider...? do i really intend...? do i really want everything that i'm having right now or just deceiving myself?

i cant answer any of the above questions. all i know is that i'm happy where i am and dealing with life the way i choose to. whether i'll wake up one morning to regret everything reserves to be seen. at this point, i feel that i'm important to the people who are important to me and doing things i care about/for. which counts for somthing already.

after that particular epiphany, i just saw the light (am keeping my fingers crossed that this is not the light of an on-coming train though). i dont intentionally put on a facade, just different personas to different people. i'm just glad that at least one person i know of has seen the real multi-personas me. but am i really sure about that? strangely, searching for my identity and true self has been a mostly fun process. maybe i'll find them. maybe they'll elude me forever. still, process which counts right? and there will be certain things i intend to hold on to forever, no matter where my life leads me.

Friday, April 07, 2006

i'm screwed.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

counting the ways


"everything seems a little larger than life. it's a prevailing surface pleasantness that neither bad nor good; a superficiality that one might have to agree necessary, like an occasion that calls for polite niceties." so aptly summarised. but while i've doubted my personal choice, i didnt quite regret. cos of good friends. cos of refusal to admit that i cannot do it. cos i've grown to accept its quirks and actually like them. despite my days starting at 8am and sometimes not quite ending still at 2am. despite not seeing my parents (while i DO go home) for 3 days and counting. despite being cooped in gsr 3.6 and mugging like i've never mugged before. i will pull through. somehow.

which is why i'm thankful for those who are not in the system. for maintaining my sanity. for the cam i borrowed and didnt have time to return. for the flying pigs windchime that i havent found a place to hang yet. for the one across godknowswhichocean whom i still irritate on msn. for the lame convs and lastmin-lets-screw-exam-and go-watch-movie. for the almost daily endurance of my whinings through smses. you all dont know what a big difference you've made in seemingly small actions. :)

and of cos thankful for all the biatches who i end up bitching, watching porn (hahas... not in the way it appears to sound), talking crap, complaining about life, pigging out and trying to keep awake with in between all the studying.

Monday, April 03, 2006

somewhat chiasmutic


"Happiness comes most to persons who seek it least, and think least about it.
It is not an object to be sought, it is a state to be induced.
It must follow and not lead.
It must overtake you, and not you overtake it." -John Burroughs

(wins, this is for us!! hahas)
"You have to be very fond of men . . . to love them.
Otherwise they're simply unbearable." -Marguerite Duras

"Life is like a beautiful flirt, whom we love and to whom,
finally, we grant every condition she imposes
as long as she doesn't leave us." -Giovanni Giacomo Casanova

Saturday, April 01, 2006

completely random, utterly pointless and totally frivolous.
the simple pleasure of stumbling across something that you have been looking for ever since the longest time such that the thought of finding it is already at the back of your mind.
yay for sharp ears and random bouts of gladness.

kinda want


stats, stats, stats, stats, stats.

i've talked about this a million times but i'm still going to rant about it. i wish i was still wide-eyed innocent. when the only worry i have is school related. when the world is observed through rost-tinted glasses. when relationships with people are without apprehension. actually, being dumb is not necessarily a bad thing cos everything is more direct and simple. but i guess if everyone thinks that way, the world will never progress. moreover, it is not as if i've totally lost my innocence. i'm still that easily amused and clumsy girl. just less innocent and more wary.

stats, stats, stats, stats, stats.

no matter where i go, you will be one of the first persons to come to mind who i want to share my stories with. cos i always feel damn protected and loved in your presence. but i want something real instead of pseudo already. where is that elusive knight in shining armour?

stats, stats, stats, stats, stats.
as if repeating it will make me concentrate more. if only it works this way.