Monday, May 29, 2006

division of what needs to be


i'm not being calculative but i'm brought up in a household where the line is drawn very clearly as far as cash is concerned. cos it is something so fundamental that it serves no purpose for it to get in the way of relationships. should i get married, i'm going to adopt the same principle. the division between personal and shared. in this way, there is one less aspect for dispute should things get ugly and money is a huge part of conflict. wht not just avoid having to involve its part from the beginning?

i can afford to give because i've been given. and to most parties who have given me, especially my family, i have to say that i've not been fair to them at all. as they have given me so much and received so little. even though i know that all that they have put in is unconditional. but i am, for once, aware of how i have taken their love for granted. i forgot what should be the most important fixture in my life.

i dont want to have to be unable to pretend normalcy, strange as it sounds. cos it makes things even weirder. it's just such a joke that we cant be ourselves in front of others nor can we feign normalcy. so it goes back to the realm of nothingness all over again. it is a by-product and there is no way stuff can be any different. with maturity, we learn to grapple with the imperfections and move on in life. i'm still groping in the dark but saw and came to terms with various shades of grey. i've put aside many issues, concerns and misgivings and am likely to continue doing so. because i am dealing with the emotion that makes people do incomprehensable things. so long as i remain relatively lucid and understand the consequences, i should be fine.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

sugar rush and eye candy


it's final. the line has the best caesar dressing and tiramisu. everywhere else that i have eaten those two foods dont quite match up to it. the bar has been raised yet again.

sitting next to the dessert section is NOT a good idea. i ended up alternating between main course and dessert after the third plate. cant help it when each of them, all artistically presented, is crying out to me to take. the gastronomical explosion that followed every bite is indescribable.

bernard, some totally-unknown-by-me waiter, is so freaking cute. in fact, he wont look out of place next to any (good looking) south american athlete. eye candy for the night. i think i stared at him too much till he started giving me weird looks. oops!

i am so leeching onto my aunts.

this is life :)

Thursday, May 25, 2006

disconnection


me: so you have cravings for waffles?
her: nope. i just want to eat on gelare tuesday.

if people would like to play politics and ignore the obvious greater benefits, they are simply digging their own graves. the truth speaks for itself.

the temptation to blur the duplex is ever present but it's a test of maturity and self-control.

will i still remember the more innocent times - of incessant teasings, of irrelevant conversations, of just being there? or will the lack of time be cited as a reason for moving on instead of catching up?

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

2


lady luck seems to be smiling to me quite a bit these few days. oks... maybe i'm just trying to look on the bright side. anyhows, hope she continues smiling.

something i shamelessly took from somewhere.
"When you set a standard for people you want to meet, you emulate stereotypes." terribly apt.

Monday, May 22, 2006

grandmother


she is the most amazing woman i have ever encountered. the perfect home-maker. the wonderful pillar which the whole family hinges on. the role model. the epitome of female submissiveness (my grandfater is an egoistic ass who gets his way all the time) and yet has unyielding tenacity. if she was born in another time, she would have made it so much further in life. unfortunately, her incredible memory is tasked with remebering all her children's and grandchildren's birthdays and favourite food; her easy-going nature serves to alleviate petty domestic conflicts; her mighty intellect spent on discussing current affair issues with us.

this woman has never graduated past pri four. yet speaks more languages and dialects than me, has betterr people's skills than me, definitely wiser and forever respected. if we switched places, she'd have thrived being her and i'd have died being me. life is so unfair. she could have been so much more. even though she is very successful in her own right. regretfully, i dont show that i love her enough.

so this is for her.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

we asked for it


conniving.
irritating.
relentless.
shameless.

4 words that can be added to describe me.
3 and 1/2 months.
juggling.
fingers crossed.

please just let us go through the whole thing unscathed.

Friday, May 19, 2006

way it has to be


"At other times, I think that it is a bitter medicine - a lesson - to force me to grow up, to a bigger better person than what I actually am...

I dont want to become hard - no, that would mean points for the other side. But one can be habituated into wearing emotional armour after doing it for a long period of time. And inadvertently, it blocks out love as well as hate, joy as well as sadness, optimism as well as cynicism...

I do realise though that it is important to constantly recognise and evaluate the boundaries of my little character-building crusade. There is a shifting line in the sand between courage and stupidity. Between faith and fundamentalism. Between half-full and half-empty.."

her words absolutely resonates. parallels exist. to a very large extent (or so i try to convince myself), i am at peace. I've successfully managed to surpress the hope that things would happen the ways i want them to.

i have mentioned and written abt it time and again that it would have been so much easier if i could hate for all that has been done to me, with or without knowledge on the other party's part. but it is a technical impossiblity in this case. to hate.

and so we go one pretending that actions do not have implications. that everything is peaches and cream. that we'll be fine the way we are. oncec in a while, when i couldnt stand it any longer, i will voice questions that remain unaddressed. but it is the furthest i can go because i know that i wont be given satisfactory answers to them anw.

if i had a chance to do this all over again, would i? yes, because it forces me to grow up. no, because i hate growing up. anw, that is the epitome of a pointless ques because there are no seecond chances. i try to count my blessings, to remind myself that eveything and everyone who have been and/or part of life are there for a reason and that i do have lots to be thankful for. like how many people would fight for me if i asked them to. like how you have to lose your innocence at some point of your life and i did live in lala land for 19 years. like how i never did lose sight of who i am and dont intend to prove certain things in life. like my independence. and i know that years from now, i will be looking back and finally laughing and having fond memories of all that has taken place.

my part time jobs


i often wonder wht am i bothering to experience jobs that i will likely never take up in the future. maybe deep down, there is a certain arrogance in me that want to be able to tell people that 'hey! i did that before so you cant say that i dont understand and judge me for that.' maybe i just want to show others that i am able to relate and can actually do it. maybe i am just being dumb. i cant vouch for five years down the road. but for now, being on the receiving end of condescendance keeps my ego in check.

money hoarder. what i am after realising the value of money as i get pathetic pay.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

i will never be able to make it as a teacher. sincerely applauding those who have to deal with the kids everyday.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

weird. funny.


the company that uses the traditional punch card system ends up paying me earlier than the one that uses computers to trace employees' movement. so much for technology.

"i love you too." one msg template that comes with my nokia phone. gosh! and they expect someone to say 'i love you' to me.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

i forget


cant i just be nice and tell people i love them for the sake of doing so? my close friends are paranoid. people around me should come to terms with the fact that i often say things without any real intention behind saying them expect to make myself known (isnt that the point of communications in the first place?)

many times, i forget. i forget that i'm just a 20-year-old trying to find my place in the world. i forget that i'm damn sheltered and that at the end of the day, i could still run home to mummy and daddy. i forget that i'm experiencing more love than i'm entitled to. i forget that every ounce of my being should be equally attributed to the people around me and myself. i forget about the greater things than memyselfi. i forget that i'm vulnerable. i forget that i'm supremely blessed.

Friday, May 12, 2006

me


as i look back on all my past experiences, especially the past two years, i am grateful that i have gone through them. why the two years? because within the short span of time, i lost alot of my childish innocence. yet still very much intend to remain as a child. my contradictions are as such. cant say that i am a better person because i am in no place to judge. but i have emerged a little stronger, a little wiser and a lot more self-assured. most imptly, still happy and positive. i am not taking the path i thought i would. sure, i'm in university. but i'm struggling in school like i've never before. sure, i'm close to my family. but there are certain things that i would keep from them forever. my understanding of friendships, of love, of maturity, of responsibilities, of relationships, of trust and so many more have been redefined. if i have not gone through the pastt two years, many aspects of life still remain compartmentalised. there are certain things that changed more than i would ever have imagined, there are certain things that comfortingly remained as before. at the end of the day, i learnt to point at others less and look at myself more. people have questioned why i can see things as such. innocence, stupidity, enigmatic and well... maybe just uniquely positive and strangely me.

been catching up with people whom i love and miss. lover, son and roxy partner. did i tell you how much you mean to me?

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

sorting out


from the west wing season two (the leadership breakfast) -
Toby Ziegler:
This is what my ex-wife and I did for years. We had these rules. We could talk about anything but why we couldnt live with each other.

Leo McGarry:
Jenny and I wouldnt talk about it either. You know why?

Toby:
Why?

Leo:
Because we loved each other and it was awful. And we knew it was never gonna change. Ever.


probably, no one in the right mind would want their r/s(s) with others to be complex. simplicity (even by the word itself) is so much more soothing. but fate has its strange ways of messing up our lives. when we least expect. how cliche. i look back and ask myself over and over again when the heck am i subjecting myself to all these crap. when giving up is the more clear-cut and straight forward course of action. funny how i tell myself not to psycho-analyse it so often and i'm still doing so. just that the psycho-analysis became so part of everything that it doesnt even feel like i'm psycho-analysisng anymore. actually, it's not entirely a bad thing that i'm not having anyone to share it with. after the whole episode with my crappy results and only one of all who i talked to could get it that i didnt need anyone to tell me that it's ok and there's always next year; because at that precise moment, it is not okay to me and i just want to rant. anws, my whole point is that trying to make people understand is going to be way harder than pyscho-analysis.

much as i try to pigeonhole thnigs in my life, this is one aspect that will forever remain on the plane of unclassifiable. i guess you could say that i feel a sense of accomplishment that i'm no longer bothered by it. largely, a lot of things can be deemed as escapism. but also because it's so much more than words can put forth. we could possibly reached the plateau of our friendship to the point of stagnation. but i'm eternally grateful for all the lessons i gathered and the falls i took in the process. this is what growing up is about.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

good bye nice looking cert.
i seriously ought to quit school.
hate smart asses.

Monday, May 01, 2006

not on par


the worst way to end the day: doing badly in the subject that you're not supposed to do well in but neither supposed to do badly in. so i've not been the most attentive or hardworking student and on a scale of one to ten, i'm at at least six of deserving the grade. still, there has always been this glimmer of desperate hope that you can do okay even if the grade turns out to be average. that little bit of optimism is dashed as i stare at the taunting grade on my computer screen.

'you deserve it!' three words that has been resounding in my mind as i tried hopelessly to push them away. i'm utterly jaded. maybe i'm really not cut out for a university education. no matter how hard i try - to stay optimist, to put in that bit of extra effort to try and compensate - i fall behind. fuck! i dont even aim to be amongst the top. why is being on par so freaking hard? so now, i absolutely need the school to burn down. cos there's just no way that i can even score anything for the remaining subjects with results unknown to neutralise this horrendous mark.

sigh... and it has been a good day spent earlier on with my roxy bestest friend and my daughter. damn!

obliging


actually i have nothing much of interest to blog about. but due to the persistence of a certain ms lee, i will be nice and obliging and write about nothing much.

my confrontation issue is that i'm too confrontational.

i have said it a million times but i will say it again and again - i love the odac training i received. so it made me hyper anal on details and advance prep. it also cause subtle problems to jump out at me naturally. i cant wait for the workshops to commence!

for a person who hates networking, i have no probblem with mingling and holding senseless conversation with people. however, considering opportunity costs, i can do without these. perhaps it's just the laziness in me speaking. perhaps. whatever it is, i need to prioritise. honestly, i dont feel uncomfortable around them but there's this unspoken chasm in terms of experiences. and while there's nothing wrong, polite niceties are sometimes better without.

technically, i am holding four jobs. two paid, two volunteering. all super duper parttime (i hope). i am not over committing, i am not over committing, i am not over committing.