division of what needs to be
i'm not being calculative but i'm brought up in a household where the line is drawn very clearly as far as cash is concerned. cos it is something so fundamental that it serves no purpose for it to get in the way of relationships. should i get married, i'm going to adopt the same principle. the division between personal and shared. in this way, there is one less aspect for dispute should things get ugly and money is a huge part of conflict. wht not just avoid having to involve its part from the beginning?
i can afford to give because i've been given. and to most parties who have given me, especially my family, i have to say that i've not been fair to them at all. as they have given me so much and received so little. even though i know that all that they have put in is unconditional. but i am, for once, aware of how i have taken their love for granted. i forgot what should be the most important fixture in my life.
i dont want to have to be unable to pretend normalcy, strange as it sounds. cos it makes things even weirder. it's just such a joke that we cant be ourselves in front of others nor can we feign normalcy. so it goes back to the realm of nothingness all over again. it is a by-product and there is no way stuff can be any different. with maturity, we learn to grapple with the imperfections and move on in life. i'm still groping in the dark but saw and came to terms with various shades of grey. i've put aside many issues, concerns and misgivings and am likely to continue doing so. because i am dealing with the emotion that makes people do incomprehensable things. so long as i remain relatively lucid and understand the consequences, i should be fine.
jacq | 12:17:00 AM
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