way it has to be
"At other times, I think that it is a bitter medicine - a lesson - to force me to grow up, to a bigger better person than what I actually am...
I dont want to become hard - no, that would mean points for the other side. But one can be habituated into wearing emotional armour after doing it for a long period of time. And inadvertently, it blocks out love as well as hate, joy as well as sadness, optimism as well as cynicism...
I do realise though that it is important to constantly recognise and evaluate the boundaries of my little character-building crusade. There is a shifting line in the sand between courage and stupidity. Between faith and fundamentalism. Between half-full and half-empty.."
her words absolutely resonates. parallels exist. to a very large extent (or so i try to convince myself), i am at peace. I've successfully managed to surpress the hope that things would happen the ways i want them to.
i have mentioned and written abt it time and again that it would have been so much easier if i could hate for all that has been done to me, with or without knowledge on the other party's part. but it is a technical impossiblity in this case. to hate.
and so we go one pretending that actions do not have implications. that everything is peaches and cream. that we'll be fine the way we are. oncec in a while, when i couldnt stand it any longer, i will voice questions that remain unaddressed. but it is the furthest i can go because i know that i wont be given satisfactory answers to them anw.
if i had a chance to do this all over again, would i? yes, because it forces me to grow up. no, because i hate growing up. anw, that is the epitome of a pointless ques because there are no seecond chances. i try to count my blessings, to remind myself that eveything and everyone who have been and/or part of life are there for a reason and that i do have lots to be thankful for. like how many people would fight for me if i asked them to. like how you have to lose your innocence at some point of your life and i did live in lala land for 19 years. like how i never did lose sight of who i am and dont intend to prove certain things in life. like my independence. and i know that years from now, i will be looking back and finally laughing and having fond memories of all that has taken place.
jacq | 2:19:00 PM
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