Tuesday, June 27, 2006

finally, after almost half a year of purchase, i managed to reply emails from the sch account with entourage!!!!
despite all the irritation undergone in trying (and still not quite successful) in syncing things on my laptop, still love it.

a troubled mind


the tiresome yet exhilarating, emotional rollercoasterish ride which makes me absolutely resent growing up. am still wondering what is supposed to happen on the 19th year of life which i missed such that today is as such.

i am thankful, for being able to share so many aspects of you which you hid from the rest of the world. but honestly, i'm wondering if the negative effects of everything that has been done, makes doing them such a good idea after all.

stressed doesnt even begin to describe it.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

the cruel reality


No. of confirmed sponsors: 0
No. of days to confirm sponsors: 5
Weeks to roadshows: 2.5
Weeks to event: I am freaking out!!
Cellphone bill this cycle: $88.72
Things to settle: finalise details with interested sponsors, call/email/hound to follow up with those MIA-ed org, fig out tentage quotations and generators and food warmers and containers and fridge..., recruit and brief volunteers, logsitics logistics logistics!!!!

and that's already the briefest of brief on things to settle. yay!

thank goodness for people who are keeping me sane:
my group and hopefully we dont end up killing each other;
inez who is in a similar situation as me;
karen who i unfortunately cant meet for lunch as much as i would like;
yiwei and biao who had the fastest (and only) response towards my one word post, thanks guys!;
kat and sh and yazid for offering their help for no returns;
jo, char, lover, sab and peishan for reminding me that there is life outside this;
SUP for listening to me whine and whine and whine and whine and whine;
deb for establishing her presence and support even on a different part of the world;
parents who will hopefully provide sponsorship in the support-jacq-by-footing-her-phonebills-and-transportcosts fund

my fingers and toes are currently crossed. and i shall stay strong and not feel helpless or intimidated when meeting up with any other sponsors in future.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

i complain. i whine. i lament. i bitch.
and i still have to do.

whatever happened to responsibilities-free holidays??

Monday, June 19, 2006

depression

Thursday, June 15, 2006

rules


should they be so strict such that following them leads to absurdity? just cos the people who drew them up wanted to give leeway for others to bend them?

or should they be reasonable such that people actually agree with compliance?

Monday, June 12, 2006

for ms tai


i am such an obedient person.

7 qualities of the perfect lover: (not in order of preference)
- love me and at least like those whom and that i love
- a gentleman
- sense of humour
- ability to make me feel protected yet independent at the same time
- open to new ideas and experiences
- somewhom whom i can fight and argue and absolutely get mad at but will still be able to rationalise with in the end
- commitmnt to make the r/s work even things go bad
and the additional physical attribute: 'melting' eyes
brownie points: ability to cook

hahas... oks. so that is 9. but it's nevertheless too short a list for perfection.

questions you ask yourself when you look back on past experiences:

did i lose?
yups... probably a whole lot.
did i win?
yeaps... probably a whole lot more.

duan yi


for all your overachieving. for all the roxy-ness. for abeing able to make me laugh at the most normal things. for being the constant in my life who proves that hard work does pay off. for never letting me feel inadequate despite always being so much more than me. for being the same ol' you since our paths crossed in the first three months.

she'll probably be one of the most successful of all my friends. but yet remain the one with the bottomless pit otherwise known as the stomach. and i will be damn proud of her then cos i am already. for all of who she is.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

quirks of a civilised society


remember: once upon a time in primary school - when we were taught to put our used utensils in basins.
and then, at all food establishments from food centres onwards (which means practically everything), utensils are cleared without us lifting a finger.
so what msg are we sending to all the kids out there?
so why on earth do kids have to learn how to clear up after themselves?

"I have come to see, more than ever before, how collectively we deny our bodies as we despoil the world - lest the pain of it overwhelm us. If we were to let ourselves feel the full force of our collectve grief, and shame, and rage, we might be crushed, or we might see ourselves as someone entirely other than the person we imagined ourselves to be. We might be forced to make dramatic changes in our lives, or else feel the impotence of not being able to change. So we modify our desires and fears lest they consume us. Yet our denial of them consumes us anyway. What we hide, or hide from, usually returns to haunt us - whether as the conflagration of war, or as a little 'white' lie. Everybody suffers in the end. The psychic, emotional, and physical violence of homophobia, racism, cultural chauvinism, and economic oppression wounds us all. We play lip service to the idea of the individuality, yet we are afraid of the 'other' who embodies difference. Unwilling to accept complexity and difference, we settle for oversimplications - personally, politically and spiritually - that perpetuate division, dehumanise people, and create real suffering in real lives."
~ caitriona reed on his/her thoughts and experiences as a transexual

Friday, June 09, 2006

deconstruction


fragments of make-believe. important to each other. on bright sunny mornings. on cold lonely nights. in happiness. in tears. of critical things. of frivolous mundanities.

you catch up with people whom you have not seen for quite awhile and rediscover why you became friends and love them so much in the first place.

am glad that i dont feel the overwhelming need to please the world around me. nothing wrong with it. just differences in perception and experience.

perhaps still overly romantisizing reality. perhaps honestly blessed.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

savour


sitting down and watching life go past. how often do we have the luxury to do that? day in day out, we obsess with the work and chores to be done, the responsibilites to fulfil, the lists to make and strike out. doing nothing is deemed frivolous, a waste of time. it's funny since i realised that 'doing nothing' actually falls under a category of things to do for me some times. so yups... we rush around to the things done, to meet people, to basically live what we call lives. but are we?

call me trying to justify my actions. but for once, i gave up on filling every single minute with 'meaningful' activities and just did nothing at all. which means sleeping a lot. which means watching a lot of tv. which means travelling very little. which means wasting my time by ordinary standards. it is the absolute point of holidays. we're so conditioned for the freaking rat race that we try to get a million things done during vacations as welll. and i know i have a million things waiting for me to do. but for half a week, i've decided not to give a damn (other than the abosolute have-tos) and just watch the world go by.

excerpts


"It is a brand-new day for relating - to my father, to my lovers, to myself. I'm learning to love the men in my life in a place beyond sex and romantic interests, with a genuine closeness that touches the strong and tender beating heart I once knew. I've decided to love as an act of surrender, not a declaration of war, fighting for my protection and survival. I know now to look for those men disarmed of their own volition, willing to let me touch their soft places and I am willing to let them touch mine, with an understanding of how fragile we all really are. I move closer to a man who can raise his hand in protest to an unjust world and bring it to rest gently on my waist.

I'm one of a collective of people coming home from the same war trying to cross burned bridges with worn-out shoes; we're tired but we have no given up. We're marching forward to a new way of being with and for each other, offering gentleness and attention, exchanging bravado for emotional bravery. Taking responsibility for our individual pasts and sorting through which needs are our own to meet, and which we can expect to be met by others. Willing to offer each other our fidelity not because we're supposed to but because we respect the time it takes to make love in this inundated world. We're creating a space to collectively acknowledge that there has been a war going on and we are committed to the work of rebuilding.

I'm getting a glimspe of the new dream, different from the one-armed man trudging down the street. I'm imagining a world without battle-scarred soldiers of life who have to be maimed or die in order to become heroic, a world without men who have to wage war to prove their point. This world is full of men who are heroic becasue they have the courage to nurture their families with a gentle confident strength, to teach children, their own and others, how to be humane, how to live in harmony with those considered different, how to practice spirituality in a world that overvalues the material. Heroic because they know the task of transformation is difficult but they take action anyway because they know it must be done."

from 'loving a one-armed man' by tajamika paxton. a short story amongst many others in the book: what makes a man.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

phone


lover!!! i completely ripped this off u. now we're even. :p

What is the phone brand? Nokia
What are the last 3 digits of your mobile number? 698
What does the 2nd message in your inbox say? "Dont know..." love receiving this answer. says everything yet nothing at all.
Who's the first person who comes up under the letter M? Mae
Who's the last person you rang? Some person whom i'm supposed to contact for my proj but still cant get to her yet. boo!
Who was your last missed call from? Unknown number which i didnt bother calling back.
Who's the 2nd person who comes up under D? daddy
What does the last message in your inbox say? "Gmornin princess."
Who comes up under J? Jaclyn, JaniceGoh, JaniceTay, Jasmine, Jason, Jenny, Jeremy, JiaShyuan, JiaYong, Jialin, Jiamin, JieHui, JinCheng, JingYi, JoannaLee, Joanne, Joel, June, Junhua. and this list spans from pri sch to jc to work to uni.
Go to your Sent Items - what does the 10th message say "I can only work on fri and sat." an on-going battle every week to balance work and play so lotsa back and forthing with my supervisor.
Who's the 4th person who comes up under S? See Toh
Who's your network provider? M1
How many messages are currently in your inbox? 35
What do you have as your background? summer berry something. it's a dessert.
Who's the 2nd person who comes up under R? Ria
Who do you have on speed dial 3? Home. which is hilarious cos i can recite my hse no. backways.
Who's the first person who comes up under C? Camilia
How many bars of signal do you currently have? Full. which is four not counting the bar thingy.
What do you have as your main ringtone? keep on movin' by 5ive

and i still cant smell or taste. bah!

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

yesterday till now


if there is one thing i'm good at, it's jinxing myself. honestly, there i was, being happy that my body has been holding up despite all the crap i've been subjecting it to and wala! 2 days later and i fall sick. this is better than my bout of stomach flu last year but what dun it is when i'm suffering from aches all over and cant taste and can hardly smell? and to top it all off, i dont have to work this week but am stuck in bed so far. yay!

"why are you two together" was the ques that was the highlight of my day. and we denied it simultaneously with such immediacy that it was hilarious. i cant believe that it has been three years and people are still giving the curious looks. we talked about it and came up with the ultimate comeback. now we just need our victim(s). cant wait! btw, was that a coincidence or that it's always seniors who cant get the platonice friendship part? weird but amusing.

we'll all like to convince ourselves that we're big and open-hearted people but we're actaully very small-minded people. of course there's underlying premises and motives. there always will be. and i shall stop being cryptic right now.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

counting


list of things that i should be/am happy about with my life at this very moment

- i'm alive and kicking despite all the crap i subject my body to.
- my family, which i neglect all the time, is always here for me.
- still stubbornly clinging onto all the friendships that mean much to me, even if we meet once or twice evry year.
- good books that are finished in a day despite having to work.
- the idiot box. enough said.
- all the material comforts i'm enjoying.
- knowing that tecnically, i dont have to work for money. for now.
- hearing from all the people who i thought have disappeared from the face of this earth.
- when i stop counting down the minutes to break/end of work, even if only for a little while.
- rendering more help than necc as stipulated by job scope; thus doing my insignificant part for the dismal state of svc industry.
- being a little bit convinced that the uniform i'm abt to wear come sept isnt as horrible as i thought it was.
- 'talking' to ex-crushes and stull being amazed of how certain r/s(s) turn out and laughing at how silly i once was (and sometimes still am).
- a fab dinner in front of my husband - the tv set.
- knowing that i can slp for 8 hours if i want to.
- not having to plan gatherings but still having them.
- not getting mad but getting even.
- not having to wait for buses that take forever to arrive.
- receiving phone calls about fun, frivolous things.
- knowing that i can still do most of the things i want to do, despite all the naggings from parents.
- occasional, random reminders about things that make me smile.
- having sms convs with 4 special people about the most mundane of life's situations and being damn thankful that they have been a part of life; whether near or far, 8 years or 15 mtns worth of friendships.
- contented with my lot in life.