i honestly want to be optimistic. to be able to see the positive side of things. to be trusting. to not have to think twice before saying something. i wished that i was sheltered. but that happens to be an impossiblity. i dont want to fight battles. i want to believe that love conquers all. i dont want to manipulate. i want to believe that everyone does things out of goodwill. i dont want to appear strong. i want to believe that exposing your vulnerabilities wont eventually lead to being backstabbed. i dont want to compartmentalise. i want to believe that people can treat others equally. i dont want to become jaded. i want to belive that ultimately, human nature is kind and there will always be the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. unfortunately, the 'dont want to'(s) always seem to hapen and the 'want to belive'(s) are few and far away.
i wished that i was still perfectly innocent and happily ignorant in this world. all the illusions remain and the cold hard reality hidden.
still, i know that i should be contented with my lot in life. it's just not very part of human nature to be contented i guess.
i could choose to be bitter. to blame the whole world even. yet from day one, i have been clearly aware that all will end up leading to the point of no return. yes, i become more damaged as a person and wished that i wasnt. bottom line is: i could have walked away but didnt so i have to live with it. harbouring resentment is damn tempting but i know that i've a long way ahead of myself and being miserable is definitely pointless.
total freedom of thought and independence of self. i want to regain that for a long long time. it is not as if everything has been the same anw so i'm not giving up all that much. it's all for the best. and the first step towards repairing myself.
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