Saturday, September 30, 2006

the relationships i have with people can be so dysfunctional at times.

at the cusp of adulthood and still playing catching in the middle of a supermarket. ok, before everyone kills me, the above is wrt to two particular childish unmellowed individuals. the funties never fail to amaze me. in mostly good ways :p

special mentions:
i finally saw carol after 9 months!!
MJ, i intend to steal your phone. took me a while but i concede that the camera rocks.


living recklessly. having your heart broken. picking yourself up from the stupid mistakes made. being happy. i guess these are what youth entail. and i will treasure every moment of it before it waves goodbye.

sometimes princess, but mostly queen of my universe.
life is still good to me.

conv between queen-of-the-universe-wannabe and her co-ruler


jacq*\intentions of ruling the world
hahas... but im the ruler of the universe
so who cares?
what i said will be decreed!!

*FeL* - a new beginning (@)
wah
the universe
lofty ambitions
i shall find a new universe to irritate ya

jacq*\intentions of ruling the world
hahas.. dream big marhs
oks... then we wil have competing universes

*FeL* - a new beginning (@)
haha quite cool rite

jacq*\intentions of ruling the world
hahas.... but i think universes are supposed to be very far apart
so dont think we can compete much

*FeL* - a new beginning (@)
hahahahha
true

Friday, September 29, 2006

doesnt matter anyway


we have to learn to let go of stubborn conventions and realise that sometimes, it doesnt matter anyway. things will always remain the way they are.

at least to me, it is hyper ironic that in many occasions, people find it difficult to be truly honest to the people they are supposed to share the deepest emotional connection with yet dont encounter the same problem with friends. maybe the emotional connections are so intense that simple, innocent non-issues are read and taken out of context. just something i feel we should ponder upon.

if i was blackmailed by certain individuals in my life, i will just go kill myself because there is no way i can be able to pay them off with the information they possess.

i've come up with the crazy idea of ruling the world for one day. almost immediately, i realised the first thing i should do is to make every single day that day forever. so i can be queen of the universe forever. and you laughed, in the sort of way i have not seen for a long time.

testosterone featured more in my calender this week, what happened to my gfs?

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

SPG



all damn HOT.

and xue is just a bad bad influence :p

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

being true to me


grappling with crazy emotions make me all the more appreciative of the relationships that remained the same in my life, of people who are around for me. at the most fundamental level, i have never has a better look at myself than before. i believe in fairytales, i also believe that certain things are out of our hands. still, it is frustrating to want something i cant have. i'm dealing with that. not that i was victimised as i have always the power to make a different choice. no one screws around with me in the first place. and there is no question that i will learn and grow instead of cowering.

never been one to conceal how i feel for long anw. just a little but crazier with respect to that now i guess.


update:
especially appreciative of last min lets-go-eat-spend-money-and-grow-fat company and two-hour long phone conversation. you guys made a difference without realising how much.

hide and seek


[Imogen Heap]

Where are we? What the hell is going on?
The dust has only just begun to fall,
Crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling.
Spin me round again and rub my eyes.
This can't be happening.
When busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy.

Hide and seek.
Trains and sewing machines.
All those years they were here first.

Oily marks appear on walls
Where pleasure moments hung before.
The takeover, the sweeping insensitivity of this
still life.

Hide and seek.
Trains and sewing machines. (Oh, you won't catch me around here)
Blood and tears,
They were here first.

Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that you only meant well? Well, of course you did.
Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that it's all for the best? Ah off course it is.
Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that it’s just what we need? And you decided this.
Mmm what you say?
What did she say?

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth.
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs.
Speak no feeling, no I dont believe you.
You don't care a bit. You don't care a bit.

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth.
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs.
Speak no feeling, no I don't believe you.
You don't care a bit. You don't care a bit.

You don't care a bit.
You don't care a bit.
You don't care a bit.
You don't care a bit.
You don't care a bit.

a hauntingly beautiful song courtesy of my amazing original dad. and i heard it somewhere before (not OC). but i cant remember where!!

Monday, September 25, 2006

price of looking sharp = staggeringly painful 3 inch heels. thankfully, my feet are used to torture.

why dont i ever fall for the guys who at times understand me more than i know myself? such absolute wastes!

while i take up the parenting role for some people in my life, others become my pseudo parents at the same time. giving and taking. when i take a step back and look at what i have, i am still damn fucking blessed.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

pretty much nothing


increasingly, i have come to realise how fake the world is. i guess reality is too difficult to bear and people choose to live in surrealism, dreams and facade. businesses capitalise on these things. vicious cycle ensues and eventually, people realise that they have been living a life of nothingness. sad but true. and i may possibly embark on the path of painting these rosy illusions for others. it's funny how something so wrong can be acceptable once more people start doing it. moreover, humans tend to be drawn towards pretty, packaged things. even if the backs of their minds tell them all have been staged and none of what they see/possess is real.

i shudder to think about how in a couple of years, the pursuit of the better paycheck is going to make me blind to the values and morales and what is fundamentally right. because i can see the erosion of my principles already. can i acheive what i want without sacrificing what i hold dear to my heart? can i live with the deceit and lies to achieve material wealth? am i going to justify my actions when i know that there is little reasons for actually doing so? will i be able to look myself in the mirror and truly be happy with who i have become?


[des'ree]
Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
Stand up and be counted
Don't be ashamed to cry

You gotta be
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day

Herald what your mother said
Readin' the books your father read
Try to solve the puzzles in your own sweet time
Some may have more cash than you
Others take a different view
My oh my heh, hey

Don't ask no questions, it goes on without you
Leaving you behind if you can't stand the pace
The world keeps on spinning
You can't stop it, if you try to
This time it's danger staring you in the face

Oh oh oh Remember
Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
My oh my heh, hey, hey

You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day

more than


maybe i'm truly learning to be the bigger person. maybe i just have a soft spot. so long that happiness is achieved, i can let go/give up whatever. because at the end of the day, time will heal the wounds and this will be one of richest life's lessons. contentment is never elusive - i will definitely look back and rejoice about how i meant a fair deal.

it's amazing that this is more than forgiving and forgetting, loving and hating. perhaps all these are divine interventions to show me i cant have everything in life. after all, it is in pain that we appreciate pleasure, with loss that we treasure what we still hold dear.


p.s. 'las vegas' just has this weird way of triggering totally intense but unrelated emotions in me.

helps that josh duhamel is so damn.bloody.hot. :p (and i am so going through a drooling over eye candies phase.)

Saturday, September 23, 2006

mish mess


i am such an obliging person!! eye candy number three. from spain. looks cuter in real life. i think we scared him too much that day. unfortunately, dont have pictorial evidence of one and two.



sidenote: the precise refusal to conform to norms that allows me to experience so much about human nature and the world. being so may result in me getting into trouble and being placed in awkward situations that are too much for me to handle at times. i do know that i want more than the typical life. (then again, who doesnt?) i am still in the process of figuring out.



current squeeze: pioneer DVR. oh please let my father continue in his frivolous pursuit of gizmos we do not need.

thought: it is weird when you cant fall asleep in the death of the night despite horribly needing to. it is weird that in almost that same instance, you realise that falling asleep is secondary after all.

Friday, September 22, 2006

i know i am supposed to blog about the 10 days of being in the UN-ish environment. but being the lazy person i am, i came up with a fabulous plan. i shall blog about things you guys want to know. which means that if there are no questions asked, i dont need to talk about it :) clever eh?

i need to find some tycoon to date cos i want to have fireworks for my every birthday at a place like this.


still like falling asleep in your arms.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

in the past 24 hours


i have:
- taken photo with eye candy #3
- undertaken a 'project' which semi-explains why i am not sleeping right now
- acknowledged my amazing original 'dad' who btw is more protective than my biological father
- finally gotten things to do at the access control counter
- realised really scandalous things about the people i've spent the past 9 days with
- had the LONGEST ever photo taking session
- not really worked much despite it being an official work day :p
- attended the function at esplanade
- played five stones with fel under the stars
- actually drank beer (i am more of a cocktail girl)
- watched the most amazing fireworks display closeup
- interacted with some bangladesh reporter whom i only semi-understood
- talked to elim chew and eunice oslen, together
- played the "i have never..." game that involved rather controversial questions
- allowed myself to be kinda hugged by guys whom i've known less than two weeks and not feel uneasy
- gotten tipsy on greentea whiskey
- became sober after macs at liangcourt at 3am
- realise that there is hope for singaporean guys but they are either happily attached or married. guys, i dont praise you all that often so whoever who falls under this category have to be flattered
- found the joy in being crazy alongside close friends
- decided that i should attempt not to sleep or else i wont be at work in the morning

Monday, September 18, 2006

eye candies


for the very first time, i found myself melting under the glaze of a complete stranger. staring at his impossibly perfect face and mesmerising eyes, i somewhat lost my ability to think and talk. chirstopher swann is one damn adorable and friendly and down to earth reporter. i am going to start following bloomberg's news articles from now on. eye candy #2 is scott mcgale (photgrapher). cos he smiled at me cheekily (fine! i was the only person in that area at that time who was even looking at him, delegates are too busy). eye candy #3 is the most possible to take photo with target. so we shall attempt to do something about it.

i want a caucasian bf... okay, i will make do with fling.

as in all big organisations, the people who draw up the policy want to force compliance of protocol when they dont make the most fundamental provisions for the protocol i.e. making sure that those who need to know, know; to be followed.

i am going to officially start figuring out how to get around the law cos i discovered a junior to be the highest (thou shalt not divulge rank but easier higher ranking than most we see around) ranking police officier i personally know. talk about endless potential in his career sia. hahas.. i have this feeling that he will go into hiding from both me and fel after this thing ends.

Friday, September 15, 2006

halfway through, seems like an eternity


benefits of being in a UN-like environment: i have yummalicious female new anchors to ogle at. havent found the male equivalents although one cameraman from bloomberg looks kinda like the older, shaggy haired version of brad pitt.

call it awe-inspired silence, call it preconditioned reflex of not wanting to get in between and his i-lost-count-of-how-many bodyguards; you cannot not notice when MM walks into the area.

i would make a good gatekeeper.

screw me and you are assured of being screwed back. some people just dont get the meaning of duty.


all of the people who have been with me for the past one half, in self or in spirit; very much appreciated!

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

photoshot


so far:
largely obscure press centre
unlaunched nokia phone which is ridiculously difficult to use
wrongly issued security pass that limits my access to places (not that i mind)
a replication of the biennale exhibition at city hall
a sweet which is sponsored by NETS (i am serious!)
process of adding identification to temp security passes for non-secured personnels

i will get the photo of the whole carpark full of BMs no matter who threatens me cos i got the blessings (ok... kinda) of direct supervisors. and the metal detectors which keep going off when i go through. sheesh!

one stupid thing done: shouted for yunshen halfway across the hallway. oops. he reacted extremely well to my outburst though:) i cant help it that i'm excited and didnt expect to see him. need to corner him someday somehow to take a shot of him in action.

i ought to go into serious photo whoring mode.

today: was questioned and then flanked by security. interesting.

random and mostly fun stuff:
frivoulos topics of conversation with colleagues
NOT behaving as we should
watching a particular suspected to be gay anchor prance around every single day
trying to figure out the age of people around us
me and fel enduring a lot more of each other :p

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

interesting experience of the day: finally talked to the gurkha(s)!
and they look so cute when they smile after a long period of stern-face-ness :)

i am high cos i seriously lack sleep...

Monday, September 11, 2006

you raise me up to more than i can be.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

seven


loving my frivolous bottomlesspits girls, because:

you all contributed to my most recent successfully planned gathering
everyone had tons to do yet still took the trouble to turn up
the amount of food we consumed must have totally pissed the management off
we look glam (esp huiz) but behave otherwise
somehow, it seems like not a day have passed since when we were part of 03s76
the exact character traits remain, well, exactly the same
for being the beautiful people every single one of you are!


yes... i probably have to stop eating for the next three days to allow my body to figure out what to do with the food.
the girls i know are never "peckish" eaters :)

Saturday, September 09, 2006

sellout


two days of frivolity is going to catch up with me. but whatever, i am going to sell my soul anyway.

i connect the dots too easily, but we did have a good laugh over it.
i love all my girlfriends, but guys are easier to talk to cos they dont probe and dont think (occasionally).
i am going to get so much flak for the above statement.
i wonder if i sign a written agreement to promise that i will revise my supposedly high standards that i will be left alone.
i can just watch CSI and nothing but all day long!!!
i realise nothing taste like the forbidden fruit and i'm in so much trouble cos i'm addicted.
i'm going to miss having a life.

meryl streep was fantastic. she's someone you'd love to hate in the show yet possess enough soul not to wind up being some one dimensional caricature. the show reminds us to do the cliche "love those we hold dear around us". and that in life, we often sell out without noticing the precise action(s) of doing so. one can only hope that when the time comes, we'd be blessed to have someone knock sense into us before the inevitable and irrevocable changes occur.

in so many sense of the word, i am selling out. :(

fatal attraction


chemistry + physical and emotional attraction = fatal combination

note to self: "it is you we are taking about."
ask (enough) and you shall receive.
two plus days after the unexpected surprise and i am still thinking about it :)


george clooney, sean connery, pierce bronsnan, julian mcmahon, eddie cahill, josh duhamel.
dark haired, brooding good looks, 'melting' eyes.
i like!


i am eating (and spending) too bloody much.
tue: pam's bday at balcony
wed: macs breakfast at ecp
thurs: dinner at creation, dessert at liang seah
fri: mrs k's house and dinner at swensen's
sat: lunch at steak place at cine
sun: dimsum buffet with the girls at miramar

Friday, September 08, 2006

mirror


i still want to play, i still want to dream, i still want to hide in the enclave i call my world. unfortunately, very few would or can afford to indulge me in all the above. sooner or later, the cruel corporate world would drag me into its dungeons and start sucking my soul. if i'm lucky, i would lose youth and a bit of health. if i'm not, i'd probably lose myself. what optimistic future to look forward to.

it is without question that i want to achieve career success. yet as seen from previous happenings, i may very well not be able to draw the neccessary lines to maintain values and ethics. day by day, i'm being forced to grapple with this reality. i used to be so sure that i can put my foot down. apparently, i thought too highly of myself. i am not yet ready to face the world.

realisation of the day: at 12 years of age, there were indications of aggression, chasing-my-own-dreams and seizing-the-moments plus rather insane nature.


three days ago, it was the length of skirt. two days after, it was the colour green. we are just too bored :P

Thursday, September 07, 2006

sometimes, as more things change, the more they remain the same.
bloody!
i shall not figure that out for now.

what constitutes understanding?

all the Ms in my life are killing me. mpw, marketing, melayu.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

5 for today


people ought to get out of my way when i do not have enough sleep.

threading the fine line between stretching the truth and outright lying.

in need of eye candies. (kay, we need help!!)

talking to ex-crushes always makes me marvel at how human relationships evolve.

i should stop chasing the past.

Monday, September 04, 2006

baby elephant walk


"love you", "with love" and "love ya", he is probably the only guy i know who can so blatantly proclaim that to me without any worries that i will misunderstand the intention. love you back for that!

i got a much needed respite from all the emotionally draining shit over the week in that few minutes worth of conversation. there is hope in platonic friendships yet.

every so often, i need that amount of frivolity, pointlessness and crap to put a ridiculous smile on my face and to keep me sane.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

my (non) human relationships


although you weigh a staggering 2.7 kg and lugging you on the bus is no joke
although cleaning your pristine white body can be quite the chore
although you are still not configured to any of the printers at home or in school
although i still have to explain to others how you work
although you are of a past generation
my dearest iBook, i still love you very much.

lexisnexis has successfully driven me up the wall.

i have to agree with jacL that interacting with humans gets tiresome after some time. why must there be such a thing called emotions?

Saturday, September 02, 2006

two years back vs now


-- i learnt that

it's okay to mess up and it's okay to ask for help. and it's okay to feel like crap.
sometimes the things you want most you just cant have and the things that you look for are right in front of you.
sometimes the things we want to forget are the things which we most need to talk about.
time and love can heal all things.
just when you thing it cant get worse, it does.


--- i learnt
no amount of pretending that things are okay will make things really okay.
no magnitude of hoping will make us more than what we currently are.


from bigIf: Not everything in your life has to do with you. It's easier once you realise that... If you're happy in your life, what difference does it make?

fighter


i may regret the outcome of this but i wont be able to live with myself for not making and executing the decision. yups.. i can be deceiving, conniving, manipulative and ultimately, a bitch. for this instance, my intentions are pure. certain things in life i employ the dont ask dont say policy; other things are on the need to know basis. unfortunately, this is one of those situations that i want to know more than i should (and actually do).

oh wells, blissfully unaware only makes me seem stupid.

i've done all that i can. things are now out of my hands.

"Makes me that much stonger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter"

my stack of never ending readings is forever sitting in a pile taunting me. crap!

Friday, September 01, 2006

biatching


pam, min, fel, kay, jan, gladys, mich, huan. they all make my life so much more bearable. although i'm not as close to every single one, we all constitute the biatches, loving to bitch and proudly declaring so. being with the people whom i love, struggling under the same system, i realised i havent appreciated them enough for their contributions towards my sanity. and despite them laughing at the 'fingers in many pies' and 'no time! no time!', i'm so damn grateful that they have endured one year of my high-strung-ness and crap. always dragging me to be as frivolous and as full of shit :p

btw, vodka lime was too sour and non-vodka-ish, even for a non-drinker.
the place didnt live up to its hype at all.
still, the company more than make up for it!
and hooray for pam whose car became the warehouse for five girls.

me love the biatches, more now than ever.