Tuesday, October 31, 2006

heart.


"Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that." ~ Harold Loukes

"Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart." ~ Lynda Barry

and finally:
Nunc scio quit sit amor
which i dont think i will truly ever figure that out.
still, i intend to hold the people whom i love (based on my perceptions of it) dear.
for i am not who i am without them.

Monday, October 30, 2006

machiavellianism


i shall attempt to post something of value instead of just typical rants.
okays.. so i cheat. this is another typical me-myself-i posts with pyschology terms thrown in.

~~Machiavellianism is the term some social and personality psychologists use to describe a person's tendency to deceive and manipulate others for personal gain. The concept is named after Renaissance diplomat and writer Niccolò Machiavelli, who wrote Il Principe (The Prince), though the concept can be found as far back as Chanakya's Arthashastra.

The MACH-IV test, a twenty-statement personality survey that is now the standard self-assessment tool of Machiavellianism. People scoring above 60 out of 100 on the MACH-IV, high Machs endorsed statements such as, "Never tell anyone the real reason you did something unless it is useful to do so," (No. 1) but not ones like, "Most people are basically good and kind" (No. 4). People scoring below 60 out of 100 on the MACH-IV are considered low Machs; they tend to believe, "There is no excuse for lying to someone else," (No. 7) and, "Most people who get ahead in the world lead clean, moral lives" (No. 11).

It could be understood that psychopaths and sociopaths have a similar disposition that could be identified with Machiavellianism. However, it may be difficult to distinguish between the two, because both types exhibit similar tendencies, often while considering it important to mask or misrepresent their motives. Furthermore, true High Machs (as opposed to sociopaths) tend to take consequences very seriously, and when dedicated to a course of action which may backfire, it is usually because the potential consequences have been weighed quite carefully and the High Mach is prepared to be responsible if blame cannot be deflected sufficiently. ~~

i am high mach but hovers around the lower spectrum of which. nice!

little less




hair.
black.
problems which shouldnt be problems in the first place.
crappiness.

and all in all, a lot more ridiculously happy about nothing in particular.



*i skipped around parents for three hours before they noticed anything. i'm starting to think that i can get away with a tatoo.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

to terms


as the rolling stones sang,
"You can't always get what you want
And if you try sometime you find
You get what you need."

it is all of a matter of coming to terms.

sure, i am somewhat taken for granted.
yet awareness of the situation makes it less difficult.

each other's escapes from reality.
communicating with few words.
weird sort of arrangement.
sort of normal.
and like what fel said, it has nothing to do with moving on.


it's nice to have someone's hand to hold onto.
even if it's only for a short while.

Friday, October 27, 2006

acknowledgement


having to acknowledge the fact that you'll be never good enough is a depressing notion.
things arent what i've envisioned them to be one plus years ago.
and the thought coming out of it all being half-past-six is not a good thing at all.

but:
being forced to come to terms with harsh reality is something all have to eventually do.
brain-cell damaging and sleep-depriving it may be, i am still proud of being a part of it.
meeting and having the craziest bunch of biatches makes it bearable.

i would have been a different person if i did not make this choice.
and no matter how i whine and complain, i cant say that i regretted my initial choice.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

But really, the ones dealing with deception to selves have never been me.

one day, i am going to get so sick and tired of helping people deal with their problems that i will explode in their frigging faces and then they can watch the pieces i have been trying so hard to hold together crumble right in front of them.

when people piss me off at the worst possible timings, they bloody hell ask for it.

illusions are merely illusions. deal with that fucking fact.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

the


hooray to all the decided to screwreponsibilities and just-watch-movie friends :)
been a long time since i caught two fantastic ones in less than a week.

departed: why do i claim that it is good? cos i know what is going to take place next but still stayed glued to the screen for a good two and half hours. less character development than expected, felt that they should have kept to the original ending yet little disappointment overall. plus somehow it reminded me of the previous time when i watched inside man with the son :)

prestige: fine, i accept the blame for not feeling more excited when the daddy recommended the show. and special mention to mslee who suggested the whole movie watching thing and mstan who helped us checked timings over the phone :) dark, creepy, thought-provoking, thrilling, fantastic. making you wonder to what extent humans are capable of. christian bale looked so wonderfully tortured. and he officially became my new favourite actor. shows that so long that the movie is good, it doesnt really matter that we're sitting at the 2nd row.

obsession. a central theme for the above.
somewhat of a central theme for the way certain people lead their lives.
and i would always be deemed the bitch.
but before you label me, take a second to consider if you're really that perfect.

as long as those i care about know my loyalties, senseless tags dont matter.

Monday, October 23, 2006

i would not be upset over the fact that i'm giving up the things that i want to do, to do the things i need to do.

FUCK it!
Who the heck am i trying to kid?

i would be blind by the end of tonight.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

small blessings


long lost friends appearing back in life.
one enjoyable project per semester; see, i'm not that greedy after all, just need one.
planning to go for work-travel. eventually. in lieu of exchange and possibly BSM.
only those whom i want to connect with talked to me today.
hearing jive music - the best way to get hyped up over boring things like reports.
parents are off my back for the WHOLE day. and dating me for lunch tomorrow.


my most recent and guiltridden indulgence :p

i'm non-committal even to the two who provide the most for me.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

i am often told that my brutal honesty would get me into trouble.
but as far as i can see, being brutally honest is the only way to deal with some problems.
truth hurts.
running away is not going to take the hurt away.

i'm at peace with myself.
but i'm still caught between.

there are so many things i want to say but it's not my place to.

life. always playing its funny games with us.

transition


seeing beyond the superficialities of supposed lala land. i'm not overjoyed that i have to but i'm grateful i did.

standin transition.
like all other times i've been around for people until they move on, this wont last. guess i touched people enough to come to me when they need help but not sufficient to want me around after that. yet every single encounter makes me grow up a little more, understand humans a little better, appreaciate all that i have a little more deeply.

being crazily sentimental, i would miss all that have become an almost habit. i wont pretend that i wont. but in this tiny time frame i have to make a difference, i would still contnue to do so. not because i'm a self-sacrificial soul but because i want and feel happy doing so. even if i have to mourn the loss later. ultimately, loss is but a passing phase too.


***

i'm juggling multiple personalities facing different peoplem that i am beginning to get quite confused myself.

"I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?"


***

i love my highly abused, horrendously heavy, hugely important iBook and iPod! no reason other than.

empty pockets



ranked according to our preference.

anw, we should give up on the idea about being able to spend less money when we go out.

i am growing fat!


courtesy of mr chiang: why dont condoms come in assortment packs?

hmms.. why didnt anyone market that?
[update at 0141: was informed by mr shiao that it has been marketed. still, i will have to see it to believe. and why on earth am i having this conversation with guys?]

Monday, October 16, 2006

who they are


"It's about people who, utimately, are stuck in an undeclared war zone, and there's no way for them to get out, We watch them get deeper and deeper into it, and as much as they flail about and try to get out, and maybe one or two have good intentions, the others are who they are." ~ Martin Scorsese

"How many people in real life walk the straight and narrow? Not too many... Almost everyone else is just doing what they can in a state of almost complete confusion, usually trying to do the right thing, but sometimes, you know, it's a complicated world." ~ William Monahan


***

means for me to face reality, to have my bubbles burst, but to still see the good and positivities of the things and people around me. cant say that i'm not bothered but i look back and see myself making the same choices again if there are second chances. many would see as ammoral. yet it's funny because many go through life refusing to see and admit to the truths around and thus never learn. if i have to fall, i choose to pick myself up and emerging stonger each time.

perhaps a better arrangement would be worked out to reduce some of the dysfunctionalities. perhaps this is precisely our normal. but come what may, i want to remain so for a long time. perhaps once the flaws are discovered, i would no longer be held in the same esteem. but i'm glad to have been able to make a difference.

still the enigma. because i think when the day comes that i completely figured myself out, i stop living.

inferno


three within the duration of my melayu mid-term.
in my little universe, it is a historical moment that would unlikely be replicated so it deserves a mention.
sweet but also totally freaky.

dont read too much into nothing.
i'm greedy.
cant all remain as they are, as protective, treating me as special in their lives, as per status quo?

overall:
maybe i have crossed the line.
i am going to hell for this.
someone please just save my soul.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

there's no such thing as the real world
because there're seldom second chances.
because everything's about here and now.
because you only live once.

are those already enough reasons to live recklessly?

"i dont and can never hate you."


i resent the above sentence. while it holds the most positive meanings and sincerest emotions, there are always some negative repercussions following the statement. it is not just dejavu. in the most disconnected ways, you two are so alike. yet so fundamentally different. but i cant take away the image of all hell breaking loose should your paths cross. but well, i am the lowest common denominator, so things are pretty much within my control. i hope.

a little more apprehensive, a little more appreciative.
a little foolish, a little wiser.
caught between.

even if i sound like, i am far from being depressed because i know what i want. just irritated with all the melodrama.
but issues have to be reconciled one day and i've done more than enough already.
no matter the result, i am grateful for all those who have walked me through.


"I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you can not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions"

~ natasha bedingfield's unwritten

Saturday, October 14, 2006

to


all the people who believe in me more so than myself;
whether i acknowledge it or not,
whether i tell you how much i love you or not,
whether you see me often or not;
words fail to express how i grateful i am for your presence.


so now, i'm going back to something horrible called responsibilities and start on the midterms not yet studied, start on the reports not yet written, start on the mess not yet cleared, start working on the grades not yet great.
wish me luck!



to whoever who need to know this -
i am in the midst of a damn fucked up period for school so i absolutely do not need this right now. plus having the ability to be the slut doesnt mean that i'd choose to do so. i dont like to do disappearing acts cos i need to be accountable for them in times to come. but just for today, i want to fully concentrate on hitting the books and doing alright for my midterms.

everyone just need to settle down and think clearly without interruptions for a while. and people ought to give me a break for being who i am, loving who i like, expressing what i feel and just being honest without having to consider possible ramifications too much. the world is too veiled and shroud in secrecy in the first place.

four parts


one: sony ericsson, tea lights and mac office. i started to worry for the state of my possessions minutes after handing them over. i ought to start charging. and the place changed so much since i last went.

two: meeting was a little more efficient than usual. still digress a whole lot. hopefully we are on track.

three: cartier! sparkling, dazzling, in awe. how nice it is to be rich. and while they are out of reach, prestat chocs are nice substitutes :D at least one person thinks that this queen of her universe deserve 'something special'. thank you!

four: i always get off at the wrong place at HV. drats! eating with the girls is always such a huge enjoyment. no matter the location or price. and we still laugh over the same old things. while catching up with each other's lives. actually, i should call us cinderellas cos we make sure that we'd catch the last bus (but end up cabbing anws). love this constancy in my life. love you all for always taking the effort :D


every single person MUST go see before it ends next tue.

every of the three guys who gave me the most (possibly undeserved) attention in the past week would always remain on the "great friends" plateau. and i love each one of them (love is ubiquitous anws). somewhat cursed. but mostly still blessed.

Friday, October 13, 2006

just how?


just fucking hell tired.

on my way home after meeting my ltb babes for dinner, met A who told me that he was heading to a chalet. i must have stoned for 30s or so when he decided to help me out by saying "We're on term break remember?" then, things clicked into place and i realised that hey! this is indeed the term break.

just how much more idiotic can i get?

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

inconsequential to most


things are pretty much fixed.
yay!
hopefully, they remain so.

people can draw their own conclusions.
dont care so long that my conscience is clear.
nothing takes away the fact that son, daddy and trooper mean alot to me.

much as some refuse to believe, i am of perfectly healthy weight.
you would be surprised how much you can get away by having long limbs.
so people can stop trying to feed me already.

semi-jaded with regards to school.
thank god for family and friends who can be counted on.
maybe i shouldnt complain so much.

allure


at times sweet, at times playful, at times hungry, at times passionate. all the time affirming the esteem held. from the moment the lips touched.

seriously not funny.
should i receive such news often, i would die young.
it'd better be found soon.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

supper then 3.5 hours of sleep then breakfast is not something that i should do often.
i'm in a state of utter confusion right now cos brain cant really function.
expectations can be so unexpected.

i've found huge conflict of interests from the relationships in my life.
i wonder how would it be if these conflicting parties come together and slug it out.

have i mentioned that i want to run away from my responsibilities already?

Monday, October 09, 2006

top reasons why the different component of my school stuck:

- midterm break is during when everyone else is studying.

- what am i talking about? what midterm break?

- people talk for the sake of talking. so much so that they dont MAKE SENSE. wait! making sense is no longer a requirement as long as you are heard.

- competition is palpable in a 0830h class.

- we realise we need to WORK HARDER because our assignment is 0.5 mark below the class average.

- rooms have to be booked two weeks in advanced. or else we are happily stranded.

- we whine and complain when connection slows down. because our whole world slows done together with it.

- during sleepovers at friend's house, we take turns checking our emails first. just in case.

- NOT going to school on sundays and public holidays are strange phenomenon.

- i am forever under duress.

why


there is an oft quoted motivational statement that says:
shoot for the moon because when you fall, you will still fall among the stars.

a few moments ago, a particular rafflesian has brought up an important point:
most stars are located technically further than earth's moon.
makes the statement questionable now.


cant holidays be how they are meant to be?


Hey, i used to have a little bit of a plan
Used to, have a concept of where i stand
But that concept slipped right outta my hand
Now, i dont really even know who i am
Yo, what do i have to say, maybe
I should do what i have to do to break free and
Whatever happens to you, we'll see
But it's not gonna happen with me

I guess that this is where we've come to
If you don't want to, then you don't have to believe me
But I will be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You're on your own now, believe me

~ fort minor's believe me

that's that


i got into a being-fed frenzy.
by the biatches: chicken rice, stingray, damn good otah, damn amazing tofu, mooncake, pomelo, grapes, awfully chocolate choc cake, fruit wine. and that was only for dinner.
by the daddy: blizzard, cheese sausage, soup spoon (thrice in a week. we need a new dinner place), tauhuay, youtiao, portuguese egg tart. and that was within 6 hours.

excuse me but what half immortal are they talking about?
and i would quit school if the above mentioned are not suffering together with me.


one 27min hear-each-other-breathe-and-not-solving-the-problem phone conversation (tbc).
one anticipatedly weird meeting with the gf to set records straight.
yes, i am indeed looking forward to the various emotional confrontations the coming week.
when i'm supposed to be on holidays.


weird thought postscript:
biological and pseudo dads should meet. they voice concerns over the same things, they have similar ways of expressing certain thoughts, they are more than 2.5 decades apart in age. if this actually happens, it's going to be cool and interesting sia.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

to the son and the daddy:


i know the both of you lurk around to read what i write.
somehow, either or both of you know when to come into the picture even when i dont outrightly display my need for support.
will always "count you(s) twice".

appreciation from the bottom of my heart.
and love you(s)!

Friday, October 06, 2006

most striking of all the trailers watched:

And ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free.

~ the good shepard


the new james bond is really odd looking. sad.

provocation


revealing enough to make people uncomfortable, yet not enough to lose the upperhand.

messing up the psychic balance.
questioning status quo.
being the bitch.

amazing what you can learn from tv and pure observations.

pre-celebration



soup spoon, mph, b&j, place opp national library.
stomach cramping laughter.
bears, books and sitting on the floor to read.
for once, chocolate ice cream was not part of the mix.
trying to assess the r/s and sexual orientation of the people around.
walking to have even more food (though technically i didnt eat).
going back to school at 2310h.
coming back to have msn conv with the same two people.

just when you think that you know a person well enough, you realise that standing next to you is an almost stranger. which makes me wonder when school is no longer part of life, would we (bother to) spend time to rediscover the ones around?

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

sleep


[azure ray]

Fill these spaces up with days
In my room
you can go
you can stay
I can't sleep,
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep

Now these years locked in my drawer
I'll open to see just to be sure
I can't sleep,
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep

And so I'm reaching out for the one
And so I've learned the meaning of the sun
And all this like a message comes to shift my point of view
And watching it pull my own light as it turns a shade of you

Hold my wine hold it in
nobody's lost
but nobody wins
And I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep

And So I'm reaching out for the one
And So I've learned the meaning of the sun
And All this like a message to shift my point of view
I'm watching through my own light as it turns the shade of you

I can't sleep
I can't speak to you

this must be a sign. when both the son and the daddy decides to send me elegiac songs.
although the song does not reflect my situation AT ALL, seeing how i'm bloody tired (havent figured out why yet) and fall asleep on 10mins bus rides.
and writing reports makes writing so painfully agonising.

consecutively convince, confuse, con.
if i can do all the above for most things in life, i would have it made.

in rare moments, you opened up more than you intended to, with no regrets. thank you xue, for the moment shared.

i love my aunt. because she is who i aim to emulate in terms of career and personal success.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

where the heart is




no matter how i neglected to show i care, the three of them will defy the odds for me.

never letting me down. complete acceptance for who i am. not asking anything in return.

and i feel an overwhelming sense of love for all that has been done for me and more importantly, them.

missing




i woke up this morning to realise i miss you so much.

will things still be the same when you come back during the holidays?

Monday, October 02, 2006

yet another


sign that i should get my priorities right!

i am a sucker for people who are protective of me.

still pondering:
do i really look that havoc in photos?
what vibes am i exuding which i am unaware of?
do i frown when all i am is being serious at work?

despite the confusion, i am truly thankful their presence. they taught me more about myself that i'd ever learn on my own. and showed love and concern towards me not because they have to but because they wanted to.


p.s. i think i am a good story spinner but a somewhat lousy liar.
p.p.s. just when i have finally decided to be a hermit for a little while, i realised i cant hide from the world cos i'm requesting favours for school related crap.
p.p.p.s. GAH!!!

Sunday, October 01, 2006

jacqueline


pronounced JAK-kwa-lin, jak-LEEN, zhak-LEEN, ZHAK-ah-leen, JAK-ah-lin, JAK-lin. of French origin. feminine form of Jacques, the French version of James and Jacob (Hebrew) "he who supplants.

btw, supplant means to take the place of; to usurp.

parents probably didnt check the meaning of ny name properly before naming me. more wild than unassuming, more clumsy than graceful, more vocal than serene. and my chinese name means the complete opposite of all the above.

i love my name because it is so me!! :)