Thursday, November 30, 2006

Re: Blogging


i cant stand people who cant blog in proper english. sure, use shortform but where's the grammar and tenses? sheesh.. it's a huge pain to read through gramatically incorect blogs. there are those who do so on purpose for a punchline or two. then there are those who probably cant speak properly in real life.

granted, there is something called freedom of expression. which is what i'm exercising right now.

personally, i dont even speak in proper english or mandarin most of the time, with my first proclaimed language being singlish. but i try to remember the basics of eng/chi my primary school teachers used to teach. it is with people who dont speak/blog/think (most of the time not mutually exclusive) properly that miscommunications occur. in my books, blogging properly doesnt equate to blogging cheem or even perfectly. blogging properly simply means i dont go "omg! did you even graduate from primary school?!" when i read your blog.

fel, xue and shan would say i exaggerate.


***

in what used to be the ideal world, i'd have resented all these. now with all the imperfections, dysfunctionalities and ever so often confusion and pain, i'm glad for the (more than) friendship. and that it is not anyone else who is sharing this with me.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

typically, the day before a major paper is spent on scrambling for more time to go through the huge pile of havent gone through stuff. AND praying that the school/faculty/exam papers gets burnt AND all the smart people get food poisoning...

however, i just spent the past quarter of an hour glancing through the course outlines of next semester's work. i am so going to kill myself from the sheer number of assignments and presentations and examinations (why on earth is there an exam for negotiation??? why is there a presentation on freaking week 4???)

wait! i havent even survived this semester yet!!

shit. serve me right for being in a school filled with overachievers who spoil market. bloody.

who/what comes to mind when you are at your most helpless?

Monday, November 27, 2006

just because i can do it doesnt mean i will.
just because i cant do it doesnt mean i will not try.

think about that.

despite robbing me of my soul and the certain fakeness encompassing, i see this when i look up from the laptop. this is one of the reasons why i still like where i belong.


i broke a new record. in school in 45mins from the moment i wake up. so i cheated and got dad to drop me off halfway, but i'm still proud of my amazing race (against time) record. btw, just shoot me if i decide to start writing two reports the day before submission again. willing sensible thoughts to translate into amazing sentences within a deadline is just bbaaadddd...

if i could function properly with only 4hours of sleep per day, i would. i'm goddamn wired right now. too bad i'm too much a pig to be able to sustain this.

certain things have to be seen to be believed.


like how two parts of my favourite earring became three parts of my useless non-earring.

and i didnt do anything other than attempt to remove it from my ear.

damn. i'm such a destroyer.

and i am only halfway through my second report due in 12 hours time.
so what am i doing here again?






[update: 0131]
i never understand how can people get work done after midnight. i'm either too tired therefore sleep calls or too high therefore not in the right frame of mind to write coherently.

the passage of time means that my studies are fucking screwed. it also means that peipei is coming bacK! cant wait!! he's right, i am going to be damn happy for the next three months :D

Sunday, November 26, 2006

drafts


i ought to try writing something for a publication someday.

draft one: One of the most prominent topics of OB in "12 angry men" is conflict. A 12-member jury was trying to come to a consensus whether the convicted man was guilty of murder, and 11 of them voted guilty. Conflict arose when Henry Ford's Jury #8 decided to vote not guilty.

draft two (and final draft): "...it explodes like twelve sticks of dynamite!" screams 12 angry men's tagline. Not unexpectedly, one of the most prominent organisational behaviour topics of the film is conflict. Heated arguments ensued when one out of a 12-member jury decided to dissent and cast a non-guilty vote towards the Puerto Rican boy convicted of murder.

the art of saying alot yet nothing at all :)

talk about last minute, both reports due tomorrow, one at 9am and another at 12noon, are NOT yet written. by the looks of the above, i'm ONE pathetic paragraph down for the first report. lala... i am so dead!

Saturday, November 25, 2006

fling-ing proclivity


i always believe in being true to oneself and never fooling around with another's feelings. yet i've been drawn into something called the game. so i'm still miles away from being even qualified and it's just damn hard to come up with enough half-truths to get away with it completely unless i get my own pad. while certain personality traits slightly hint this inclination, i'd never expect to come close to leading this life.

anws, i pretty much got my not so innocent mind corrupted and become more messed up than before. cant beat therefore join - illustration of competitive streak.

the best case fling scenario is to having someone whom i can confide in, feel absolutely comfortable with, once in a while have deep, meaningful conversations, and finally me NOT falling in love with him (or them for that matter). pretty difficult standards to meet no?

although the falling in part of love frustrates me, ultimately i cant choose it but it chooses me. and i have come a long way, in the maturity of thoughts and their consequential actions.

i'm way too young to think about settling down even if my peers seem to be doing so already. i'm less than a quarter way through my life's journey. one goodfriend has concluded that i'm a slut. of course i cant say that i'm proud to be seen as so but this is as real as i get.

the game awaits.

anything but studying


one inflicted with wanderlust.
another cursed with bimbotism.
as for me, i'm suffering the effects of being happily married.

happens every pre-exam period it seems.

and when i can drag my eyes away from the husband long enough to do proper work, i'm brought to the attention that my fucking report underwent a supposed facelift but really the most horrific mutilation ever.

why cant things leave me alone when i'm trying to be hardworking?
plus i came to the sad discovery that i cant predict my grades this sem.
all could swing either way.
not fun. nor comforting.

Friday, November 24, 2006

lockers


it was one of those random conversations with a non-smoo friend. and ms complainqueen aka moi was lamenting about how the coming semester is expected to be a painful one, not doing it with my beloved biatches for most parts. somehow, the topic sidetracked to the usage of lockers. hence, i got the following question: so are you still going to share lockers with them, now that you dont really see them? but of course was my reply.

i now realise the signficance behind that question and my answer.

was telling mslee about the disparities in status when all of us graduate. some already have our lives planned out for us. some will continue to meander and figure our ways. i'm not sure how many would remember this period of frivolousness, churning of projects, driving each other up the wall, knowing that you are not the only person awake at 3am, randomness, incessant teasings and friendships.

but i'm pretty sure i would.

it's funny. that i'm on the cusp of having to face grown up responsibities, i'm still colour coordinating more so than studying my notes; like a little girl.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

i thank life for


wonderful girlfriends to look ridiculous with for school.
system flaws to take advantage of.
free and frivolous romCom with my argentina girls.
trusting parents and that i probably need to be physically missing for 48hrs before they start searching.
my best guy friend.
unchanged status quo after all these while.
long lost laughter and catching up.


***

despite my cynicism, i want to believe in marriage but i see so many of them breaking apart. there are certain things in life of which trying out is not an option. the above mentioned being one of them. cos it's the natural course of action? cos it's expected? cos whatever other than the vow to make the commitment work and practical steps to make sure of that is just plain stupid.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

i've got better things to do than let you walk all over me.

i do not take to bullshit well.

surprises | lessons


"what surprises you most about humankind?"

That they get bored with childhood, they rush to grow up and then long to be children again.
That they lose their health to make money and then lose their money to restore their health.
That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present such that they live in neither the present nor the future.
That they live as if they will never die, and die as if they had never lived.

"what are some life's lessons to be learnt?"

To learn we cannot make anyone love us. what we can do is to let ourselves be loved.
To learn that it is not good to compare ourselves to others.
To learn that a rich person is not one who has the most but is one who needs the least.
To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds in persons we love, and it takes many years to heal them.
To learn to forgive by practicing forgiveness.
To learn that there are persons who love us dearly, but simply do not know how to express or show their feelings.
To learn that two people can look at the same thing and see it differently, with neither being wrong.
To learn that it is not always enough that we be forgiven by others. But that we must forgive ourselves.

the little yet significant things called brain cells refuse to work right now.
the heavy yet technically light things called eye lids threaten to close right now.
the anal and bah things called responsibilities flash in front of me incessantly right now.

i shall not succumb to procrastination! not after doing that for two days.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

OTH


"you ever look at a picture of yourself and see a stranger in the background? it makes you wonder how many strangers have pictures of you, how many moments of other people's we have been in. were we a part of someone's life when their dreams came true, or were we there when their dreams died? did we keep trying to get in, as if we were somehow destined to be there? or did the shot take us by surprise? just think, you could be a big part of someone else's life, and not even know it."



drats! i've spent the last half a dozen hours watching one tree hill. can someone please tell this crazy girl that the holidays are NOT here yet? then again, watching good (though somewhat frivolous) shows makes me deliriously and unexplicably happy!!

[2015h] apparently, it's all in the genes. my grandfather just called me on my cell to ask my parents to watch a particular tv prog. now! i have such an amusing family :)


"Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
and I'm going to extremes
tomorrow I will change
and today won't mean a thing"

Saturday, November 18, 2006

double o seven




i drooled over the cars,
the incredibly beautiful to the point of surreal locations,
the to die for boats,
the train,
the unbelieveable stunts;
but after two plus hours, i still think the current james bond is fugly looking.
thankfully, charisma and the ability to act made up for the lack of appearance.
anyway, i was surprised that i didnt have to leave too much of common sense and brain at the door for this one!



having to rush with the biatches right before catching it is befitting of adrenaline rush brought forth.
all would have been perfect if not for the terrible miscomm.
then again, the miscomm only gives us reasons to watch another show together again soon :)

did i mention that i'm less than a fortnight away from finals? oops.


***

perhaps moving on and looking beyond the mistakes made by those around is crap. scars run so deep and i failed to figure where the wounds end and where the healing begins. even after all these years. i want so much to help. but how can i even try to remove the accumulated hurt and disappointments?


***

the immeasureable gulf makes me sad.
somewhere along the lines, important but minute details have been forgotten.
yet i know i'm still there.
the incredible dysfunctionality has been staring right at us.
and we stuggle on to make things work.
yet we survive, we grow. and hopefully continue to do so.

there is never going to be a happily ever after. this doesnt mean that we cant be genuinely happy.

Friday, November 17, 2006

more than you ever could have imagine


"Regret makes you old. Bitterness poisons the people around you."

"...most of the time the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most. Maybe you'll get everything you wish for. Maybe you'll get more than you ever could have imagined. Who knows where life will take you. The road is long and in the end, the journey is the destination."


without meaning to, the first statement is extremely appropriate wrt a topic we just spoke of. after evaluating the facts, the pyscho in question is taking a downright cheap shot. just because i refuse to be subjected to ridiculous behaviour does not equate to a free pass to badger my friend. as advised, i have been staying out of the issue. do not force me to walk into the situation again. because it is not going to be a pretty scene. it is one thing to annoy me. do not push it further by annoying the people i love.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

this is kinda sad.

i have the WHOLE house plus two cars (if i only knew how to drive) to myself.
cos the brother decided that now that the parents are out of town to move in with his gf for two days in her house. (and i seriously wonder what HER parents think. hmms.)

here i am trying to type my portion of the marketing report when i could be dancing around the whole freaking house.

i honesly think my parents are geniuses . always leaving the country when i have the most to do so there is no way i can fool around. evilness!

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

i'm hopeless at...


getting to a destination without getting lost. even though i went to the same place too many times to count. boarding the bus because you vaguely recall it bringing you to the destination is NOT a good idea. taking the bus you think would take you to said place faster is NOT a good idea. realising that the bus seems to turn away from familiar roads and waiting for it to maybe turn out of totally foreign roads is NOT a good idea. and being me, i have no idea how to give directions to where i'm supposed to be at. because as far as i'm concerned, knowing how to get that is all that matters. actually, i am so used to getting lost that i'm never worried about not finding my way out of the situation. somehow i always do. i just exasperate whoever is meeting me at the correct place. i should just carry a map wherever i go.

having an eye for detail. after saying certain things that betrayed that sorry truth about myself, i could picture hands around my neck and being strangled by a particular zoned person who actually ought to know that about me alr. but anw, shows that at least i'm self-aware. on a more serious note though, i have to be less ignorant. so for the sake of 100% commitment to the things i plan to do (and to ensure that the pathetic organ i have that people call a brain dont degenerate further), i'd start doing my homework soon.

getting to school for FT on time. whether it is for the morning or noon lesson. and the most incredulous thing is that while i am willing to pay 6 times my normal transportation cost for cab fare, i cant find an empty cab in sight! this just goes to prove that cabbing is a bad idea (mostly true for the pockets anw). what is going to ensue due to my hopelessness in this aspect is too complicated and boring to put into words. but basically, it explains why i'm blogging about this in the school library right now.

did i say i am hopeless again?
at many many things actually. those are but a few.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

perhaps this is just life's way of teaching me how to be less me-centric.

sometimes they come back.

it's ironic. that you call me your princess.
actually, i am starting to think that this is an evil plot that the people around me concocted. by conferring me some title/name that is almost the complete opposite of who i am. which forces me to live up to them.
how utterly sneaky and smart.


things are different now. but some remain fundamentally the same.



***

two things i have already heard a million times:
"why do you not like jackfruit?" because i just dont.
the hi-jack joke.

Monday, November 13, 2006

heal over


changed and i cant answer whether for the better or worse. maybe i'll never find the answer at all. the truth is, life's hard so all of us struggle on and attempt to make the best of it. we cry. but all the more, we laugh. cos it's only in laughter that we see ourselves through it.

scarred, broken and torn. yet still standing. i do believe in fairytales. but just too pragmatic to wait for them to happen. i need to chase my dreams. to be more. it is tiring to have to fight and survive. yet it's very much in my nature to remain feisty. bouncing back to take the world again.

some call it crazy.

one day, i'll look back and understand why i am the way i am.

remember remember


6 hours of sleep is the daily target.
the extent of the screwup-ness of my finals are rather fixed already.
nice girls finish last.
do not try to be funny and overcommit.
shorter end of the stick.
both kinda using emotional blackmail.
constant shifting of dynamics.
brought to thus far.

[update: 1848h]
*for once, i'm not adopting the come what may attitude and seek active steps to PLAN my future. perhaps school and life has really changed me. perhaps i've finally grown up. i'm keeping my fingers crossed that whatever i see now will still be the things i see five years from now.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

damn funny larhs


one of those cheesy quizzes. about what my birth date means:

You have a Type A personality so big it makes other Type A's shrink away in shame.
You never shy away from adversity - and you love to tackle impossible problems.
Failure is not an option for you, and more than a few people are put off by your ego.
You tend to be controlling, and you hate leaving anything up to chance.

Your strength: Your bold approach to life
Your weakness: You don't accept help

who says i dont accept help? i love help - especially those kind which entails me sitting around doing nothing and my work gets done. work like reading through 100 over pages of case law just to identity a few pathetic paragraphs of usable shit. then again, the type A personality thing holds. why bother being nice when being a bitch gets more work done? and more efficiently. sometimes, the key is not the doing itself. it is making others sit up and notice the problem. but i was un-bitchy the past 24 hours. which explains why i'm still struggling through the things to be done.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

like we never loved at all


"how can you just walk on by
without one tear in your eye
dont you have the slightest feelings left for me?
maybe that's just your way
of dealing with the pain
forgetting everything between our rise and fall
like we never loved at all"

sigh... i'm so tired of having to deal with all these emotional friendship nonsense in the midst of having tons of stuff to do.

there are occasions that you experience emotions that you cant explain and feel terribly inane being so.
caring too much for anything or anyone is heart wrenching.

the deadlines i have to attempt to meet this weekend is bloody insane.
mpw assignment 3. mpw project compilation, marketing consumer analysis (this is the 3rd time i'm writing the same thing in different formats), place explanation for marketing, limitations of mktg project, IPR readings for project, IPR writeup on remedies and disclaiming.
i think there's somemore but i cant remember offhand.
and most have to be done by today as i'd be stuck in school tmr.

next week's schedule for now:
mon - mpw compilatiion to be sent, melayu class, ipr script and report to be written, ipr meeting
tue - whatever mktg stuff settled on sun to be done, mktg meeting, (to pon or not to pon) mktg class
wed - panic for law presentation, ft, ipr presentation, cardio dance
thurs - mpw quiz, sharpen weapon to kill mpw group mates, possibly mktg (again!!!)
fri and sat - to reserve to spend lovely days in school. and i need to do the bloody eoc. shit! ought to bribe xue to borrow hers.
sun - mktg proj due meaning we would be at each other's throats if we still havent finished by then.

how fun. and studying for exams is not even part of my priority list even if i want it to be. whoever think that my school is slack should go shoot themselves.

Friday, November 10, 2006

my new name is 'what'


literally. this is the result of having two three-hour back to back meetings.
and now i'm blogging from the cathay thanks to shan :)

marketing:
It's sad, so sad
It's a sad, sad situation
And it's getting more and more absurd

life:
But, how was I supposed to know
It wasn't what it seemed
And even though the last hello
Has left me on the floor
I don't believe in Romeo(s) and heroes anymore

aggression

noun
1. The practice of making assaults or attacks; offensive action in general.
2. Psychiatry. overt or suppressed hostility, either innate or resulting from continued frustration and directed outward or against oneself.

this post was initially about how i was told many times today to tone down my aggression and to be less "fierce". and i'm close to actually wanting to make the adjustment. however, when faced with perpectually changing minds of the people around me, i just feel like taking a knife to stab the people. the scene replayed in my mind. even if it's only in passing.

so here's the conclusion. for the sake of scaring less people and maintaining cordial relationships with the rest of mankind, i'd attempt to be less aggressive in normal functioning. just DO NOT get on my wrong side as i'm only selectively nice.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

in response


firstly, felicia lee shu hua wants me to say that she's cute. considering that she's going to adopt me for 4 hours, i shall oblige and officially state that our ms teng-teng-teng is cute. since i'm at it, i might as well promote her (being in marketing and all). but my failing memory just reminded me that this CUTE girl has a strange way of inducing guys to want to protect her so she doesnt need the promotion after all.

secondly, although i share the same name with many people, there is no way that i would mistake certain things as being meant for me. i'm that self-aware. as for being SISED (self-imposed strategic emotional downturn), hard larh. it must have been a very bad strategy if it existed - seeing how i cant see find rewards from being UnSD.

thirdly, at this level, it's nice to have professors who take time to remind you that there is more to life than the mere paper chase. difficult to execute that outlook seeing how i'm surrounded my mostly mad and spoilmarket people (the clever and hardworking pp, damn yous!!!) nevertheless, the reminder came timely. and i strive to survive.

i could go on to fourthly but my brain keeps telling me that i'll be damn screwed for the quiz.

p.s. being nice and obliging as i am, will do more in reponse posts if there are issues to be addressed/random frivolousness aka fel in this case.


to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. this is to have succeeded.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

they define who i am

love will keep us together


this is dedicated to all my LOVEly friends who, in their small and big ways, are unwittingly but surely helping me cope. i can never quite put across my gratitude in words. other than the fact that i cant do without all of you.

and the song is damn cute so ask me for it if any of you want. (i just officially open the floodgates for IPOS inquiry. oops.)

[captain and tenille]
Love, love will keep us together
Think of me babe whenever
Some sweet talking girl comes along singing her song
Don't mess around,
You gotta be strong
Just stop, 'cause I really love you
Stop, I'll be thinking of you
Look in my heart and let love keep us together

You, You belong to me now
Ain't gonna set you free now
When those girls start hanging around talking me down
Hear with your heart and you won't hear a sound
Just stop, 'cause I really love you
Stop, I'll be thinking of you
Look in my heart and let love keep us together, what ever.

Young and beautiful
Someday your looks will be gone
When the others turn you off
Who'll be turning you on

I will, I will, I will, I will
Be there to share forever
Love will keep us together
Said it before and I'll say it again while others pretend
I'll need you now and I'll need you then
Stop 'cause I really love ya
Stop I'll be thinking of ya
Look in my heart and let love keep us together

it is NOT a technical impossibilty to sit in front of the marketing textbook and read (most of the time) for four hours straight. and counting. this mugging mode needs to remain switched on for three more weeks.

i am looking forward to my real summer fling(s) in the US of A one and half years from now. too bad that only half of the quartet is going. xue and shan, dont worry, we'll have enough on your behalfs too!

this brings back so much memories.

quite amused and laughed out loud even though it wasnt all that funny.

once upon a time, we used to do godknowshowmany dry runs. once upon a time, the odac table was THE place to be. once upon a time, we alternated between serious planning and crazy let's-entertain-ourselves-with-stupid-antics-in-the-middle-of-dry-run.

so many things have changed since then. some drifted apart. some became closer. some disappeared. some showed up once in a while. but all will remain pivotal characters in my life. suddenly, i miss all of you so much!

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

and thus they fall again


and thus they fall again.
i have already stopped asking myself why.
because i can never find a perfect or satisfactory answer.

i want to be angry.
but disappointment results and it is much more difficult to bear.
yet, facts cannot be changed.
history cannot be rewritten.
experiences cannot be wiped away.

i hate this feeling of sadness.
so i've decided to give up.
i'm closing myself in.
i'm putting up defenses.
i'm no longer going to trust anyone other than myself.

and thus they fall again.
perhaps once the walls are thick enough, they will stop.

Monday, November 06, 2006

officially i am giving up on ALL the guys in my life. (except my father mainly because he serves as my mobile ATM.)

i have had enough.

ms leo asked if i was about to turn lesbian. not quite. yet. giving it serious thoughts.

i seem to be at my creative best when i'm UnSD. should i moan or laugh?




"do we always gotta cry, do we always gotta live inside a lie, life's just a blast, it's movin really fast, better stay on top or life will kick you in the ass...i know why you wanna hate me, 'cause hate is all the world has even seen lately"

personally... i think...


my counterparts in school have no life because they are perpectually on msn till weird hours. meaning (a). they are in school trying to mug (b). they are at home trying to mug (c). they are somewhere with internet connection trying to mug.

my profs have no life but are seriously damn nice people cos i receive their emails at weird hours. and some spam me with info/reminders/notes as much as i spam my proj group mates.

squeezing next sem into three-day week is going to kill me. but i will presevere. for long weekends. and hopefully, maximum efficiency. fingers crossed!

i ought to get upset and semi-depressed (UnSD) more often. i ate 2 apples, 1 currypuff and 1 plate of horfun the whole of yesterday. which for my standards, is considered a puny amount. this means that if i'm UnSD for one week, i'm going to shrink and actually be skinny again!! (a tempting notion, the shrinking part, not the upset part)

Sunday, November 05, 2006

darkness


from one tree hill season three (With Tired Eyes, Tired Minds, Tired Souls, We Slept) -

lucas (voiceover):
Does this darkness have a name? This cruelty, this hatred. How did it find us? Did it steal into our lives or did we seek it out and embrace it? What happened to us? That we now send our children out into the world like we send young men to war, hoping for their safe return but knowing that some will be lost along the way. When did we lose our way? Consumed by the shadows, swallowed whole by the darkness. Does this darkness have a name? Is it your name?


***

"i know you want some answers but what is the right answer? because there is no answer. there's just life."
~also from one tree hill

EON - Everything Or Nothing


the video combines two unrelated points -
love the version sung by lauryn hill.
i once said that i would marry whoever who gets a band to play for me. :p

Saturday, November 04, 2006

listen | fear


"When i ask you to listen to me and you start giving advice,
you have not done what i asked.

When i ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why i shouldnt feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.

When i ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem,
you have failed me, strange as that may seem.

Listen! All i asked wat that you listen.
Not to talk or do - just hear me.

Advice is cheap. Ten cents will get you both Dear Abby and Bill Graham in the same newspaper.

And i can do for myself. I'm not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me that i can and need to do for myself,
you contribute to my fear and weakness.

But, when you accept as a single fact that i do feel what i feel,
no matter how irrational, then i can quit trying to convince you
and get to the business of understanding what is behind this irrational feeling.

And when that is clear,
the answers are obvious and i dont need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what is behind them.

So, please listen and just hear me.
And if you want to talk,
wait a minute for your turn and i'll listen to you."

~Anon


***

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves: Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?"

~Nelson Mandela


under the most bizarre circumstances, i pick up the most valuable lessons.
anyhows, when i finally decide to go on a long overdued rampage, i'd ensure enough convenient collateral damages.

unwittingly, we are always caught doing the same thing.

featuring: two of my cinderellas - the 'molesting' one and the artistic one.

meander


for most days, i meander through my life not sure what the heck i'm doing and why the heck i'm doing. occasionally, i seek the temporary high by doing something out of the ordinary. increasingly, these temporal highs are no longer satisfying. and i am utterly sick of life. i look around me and realise that there is nothing missing. yet i feel strangely unfulfilled. so i dig deeper in an attempt to find something. anything. and found nothing. i hate having to deal with disappointments but i know i'll bounce back and move on. cos while i dont see where i'm going, i wont disappoint my family.

it hurts - to be reaching out all along only to realise that it has been out of reach all these while. but i refuse to wallow in self-pity. and aim not to build too many defenses around myself. i will laugh, at the ironies of situations, at pain, at hurt, at myself. because it is finally time for bubbles to burst and illusions to shatter. to look long and hard at this world and realise nothing really matters anyway.

"Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn"

Thursday, November 02, 2006

suddenly i feel unloveable.
fugly to be exact.

life, so full of its subtle ironies.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

halloween


dinner which evolved into movie which evolved into pubbing.
doing this more than once in a blue moon will be detrimental to my health and grades.
ex-colleague can be a bad influence :p

weak - two bottles of beer and i became semi-tipsy.
keep - my comments to myself if i hope to get a peaceful, not being bothered by taxi driver ride home.
work - replying emails now and hope whoever that receive replies understand the crap i'm writing.
responsibilities - bah!


***

i'm doing a pretty good job pretending that i dont have reports to write :)
i didnt become thinner. just stopped growing fatter. i hope.
my world is cosmic-ly balanced again. who said i'm screwed up?