average
noun. lacking special distinction, rank, or status; commonly encountered.
it's funny. that is my aim and i cant even hit it. the manifestation of this post is indicative that i am not unaffected. just less so. after one and half years, i have finally been informed that there is no real system to speak of. firstly, it's difficult enough to figure out the system to beat. now with this information, i have no idea what to think anymore. i am learning never ever leaping before i look the hard way.
i want to be able to say i can divorce my recognition of self-worth from temporal grading. yet i cant. because when i see myself reaching that point, i would just quit. it is harsh to have to come to terms that normalcy is unattainable. or at least unattainable with the amount of efforts i see worthy of me putting in.
the most important factor is if i have any regrets? nope. life is too short for regrets.
seeing little insignificant me get creamed goes to prove that i have a LONG way ahead. i'd just have to learn to make concessions, compromises and believe that i will find my place someday somehow.
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[update: 2320h]
this is amusing. i am once again embroiled in politics that i have nothing to do with. anyways, it goes to show inefficiency and poor environment for whistle blowing. they all seem to be trying to make use of this opportunity to consolidate power and kill each other. which is a rather sad thing considering the positions they are in. skirting around the issue is not going to accelerate problem-solving but until i'm asked officially, i shall watch people do even more ridiculous but pointless things.
jacq | 6:04:00 PM
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