Wednesday, January 31, 2007

inanimate


i love my rock. for making additional efforts no matter how irritating i get. or how busy he is.
my brain cells are dying. i can feel that i am becoming stupid already.
damn.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

personal ad


2 boutiques, tried on 7 pairs of shoes, walked out with 2.
all in 25 minutes.

honestly, i think i can throw together an outfit for a gala, hyper formal event in 3 hours from scratch.
and thrive as a personal shopper.

any one interested to hire me?

PR and PC


it is fallacious to assume that true friendships cant be built at this level. yes, we have yet to stand the test of time but the sincerity can be felt. even if one particular lee said that "we will just exclude you" and one particular tham mentioned for me to sip water. in the future when they all become financial hotshots and can afford to throw money in my face. speaking of it, i might as well start drawing up a leeching plan. ha.

still, the PR and PCness of the environment in general make me want to puke. even after all these while.

welcome to the real world.

Monday, January 29, 2007

delirious


i am damn fucking proud of myself.

for coming up with a most unique (yet) greeting card.
for the only 3 chapters of readings done. rather satisfactory considering my weekend was spent running around.
for participating in the almost completion of consumer behaviour case study.
for squeezing in a 20min lunch with the parents.
for deciding that most of my group mates are more ontheball than me.
for finally going for someone's club event at swissotel (choc buffet!).
for realising that i can hold a captive audience of an entire table (so i suck in communicating in school but i am pretty much okay for the rest of the world. phew.)
for rushing through but still making enough sense of the biz processes stupid anal shit thing people call a case study.

despite the suffocating work load, i managed to not neglect mum and dad and met up with two loves of my life in the past 48 hours. so i rock!

absolutely delirious from sugar overload and pain.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

the double life




always getting the shortest end.
but upon listening closely and observing intently, i began to see that obscure connection, that unique glimmer which have been present and cannot be taken away.

and maybe, just maybe; it is already sufficient.








btw, the best thing about interviewing a friend is the ability to hit the pause button as and when. and having my horrible grammar in interview notes corrected. i know i should feel bad for always depending on one and the same person for HR related stuff. but it is all so convenient, taken for granted and fun. plus we owe each other so much that it becomes impossible to tell who owes who. hahas... i cant believe that has become a good thing.

in hope


Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.

two of those cliche little things people circulate in chain mails.

daddy once said that i exude enough negativity/extremeness to kill the surrounding people. maybe after all that has been said and done in my life so far, i do. but i still want to believe.

the memorable first.
it's finally over!
and now i'm tasked with bits of internal post event PLUS external post event.
what are you to do without slave driving bosses?

Friday, January 26, 2007

unflinching


i wish i am unflinching. that i am not scared. that i do not lack resolve. at times, i hate the fact that i am merely mortal and hope for some fairy to fly by and sprinkle magic dust on me.

putting others above myself is hard to do. because i am inherently a selfish person. because it makes me open to attacks from disappointment and waves of overwhelming emotions. understanding. so easily said. i dont want to understand and just want things to happen the way i want them to. yet promises have been made. if only i rule the world.

perhaps i'm silly to believe. stupid even. perhaps i should grow to accept that everything is relative and no longer take anything at face value. once in a while, i wish for the horrendous jerk aspect to surface so hate and contempt can manifest and i just learn to skip away. yet somehow, it has always been the adorable arse aspect that remains and i give in.

not being able to put a tangible value is somewhat interesting. at the back of my mind, i wonder: for what point really? yet i'm so merely mortal that irrationality still prevails. having an aggressive nature doesnt mean i pick fights for the sake of it. things have been resolved in the shortest time yet. both saw the pointlessness in fighting. and took efforts to prevent things from escalating. i never doubted that a little part of us feel that such efforts are too much at times. all the same, i am glad that we are holding on even if it's at times barely by the nails.

and i still wish i am unflinching. so i will stop being bothered and caring so much.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

six weeks of work for two days.
keeping fingers crossed that all goes fine.


[edit @ 2355: shits. i keep discovering new and so-called justifiable means of throwing my money away. and feel damn happy as i do so. argh!! i need to grow cash!]

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

never forget


when i feel so darn overwhelmed, it is difficult to envision anything more than the short-term. much less success and fame in the future. "when you become famous, dont forget me," said by one who has been helping me walk through this trying time period. perhaps i sometimes show that i push ahead too much. who doesnt want to be better in life?

this is not the first time the topic has been brought up. of differing paths changing the relationship. yet our paths didnt quite converge in the first place and in small little ways, we are still holding onto that fragment of temporal intersection. perhaps one day, we will return to respective realities and never step into this shared short-lived fantasy again. even if that day comes, memories have been carefully encapsulated and will be held on forever.

one day, i will be okay. coping with instead of enduring all the stress and expectations. for now, i'm just glad that when i feel damn small and helpless, i am not alone. when i rattle on and on, there are listening ears. when i lament on my plight, i also grow to understand a little more the pressures faced daily by you. when i curl up and cry, i was offered to be serenaded (which was hastily withdrawn but still). when i result in forgone sleep, i will time and again be allowed to do so anyway.

not the first, never the last, but always the princess. thank you. and i will never forget.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

a perverse take


international econs: for all its ingenuity, human beings just cant use one bloody currency and speak one language cos somewhere along the line of evolution, they decided to make life more complicated.

marketing research: we need to study what others are doing so we can sell them more things they dont need and become richer at the expense of their stupidity.

human capital management: the art of exaggerating your worth so you willingly sell your soul to the corporation, end up being fired one day and still think that you are getting the better end of the stick.

negotiation: convincing you to accord to a win-win situation when it is a case of winmore(me!)-winless(you! the loser).

business processes: one million theories and formulas can really make you more efficient. when people spend godknowshowmany hours figuring them out. now why dont you believe me?

consumer behaviour: you know, i am really doing you more good by figuring out how your brain works. so that i can effectively manipulate it with marketing campaigns and advertisements and whatsnot. but you ARE happy cos you are satisfied.

cogitation


i still cant see how gyrating in a space that is barely enough for one to breathe and shuffle forward can provide a 'chill out' factor. maybe it is the fact that i hate crowd but bouncing up and down in one spot of which you pay through the nose for? really, i can do without.

so much sex was used as fodder that "sleaze", "tacky" and "crap" just kept flashing in the mind. crassy was given a whole new meaning. if the theme had been different, perhaps i wont be that judgemental. then again, perhaps it's just me. anyways, she won! beauty and brains and completely wholesome in spite of all the sleaze.

sometimes, there are people in my life who i love to hate. blessed with the looks and the grey matter. as in that is not enough, they are terribly unassuming, absolutely adorable and i know i can count on them for anything. i can just envision ten years down the road when they become damn successful, damn rich but still pretty much the crazy people i know. and i will stand in line alongside their gazillion other admirers, being happy for them. because they deserve it.

i'm glad that there is at least one person in my life who makes me believe that complexity doesnt need to be present in cross-gender friendships. and am damn bloody grateful for his presence in my life. just because i am open and engaging (of which i'm pretty much to everyone semi-close) doesnt mean that i want to take anything to any level. plus i dont get impressed easily. so half-baked or full-fledged attempts are useless. when i start reading agendas from people's actions, anything more than professional relationships with me become impossiblities.

speaking of professional, dedication can be madness. capitalising on the situation doesnt quite encapsulate it. but hey! dont waste time right? a very tight ship is being run. ms wan, ms loo and mr chiang, hope that you all werent driven to boredom (too much) by the rest of us.

people say that information is king. and mankind has taken that to a whole new level. consumer behaviour, marketing research, human capital management. is it really ethical to study someone else in our warped attempts to make sense of the world around us? while trying to race to the top, we have effectively commenced on racing to the bottom. i think the human race is a terrifying race.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

open to interpretations


certain things are meant to be evocative.
but one needs to still have a pretty strong stomach for criticisms.
and a high level of self-worth.

what are you to do without wonderful friends? i love every single one of you!

throughout the academic career, postions taken up and in some cases taken over are last minute fillers. on one hand, it may indicate ability because i have been requested/told to fill them. on the other, is it really a good thing if this is translated to a professional setting?

Alexander Pope: To err is human, to forgive divine.
yet one cant help but wonder if it is utterly foolish for continual forgiveness.
will redemption bring about peace to the soul and heal the wounds?

for all that has been said and done, the parents are still pretty cool people.

Friday, January 19, 2007

1 horribly exploited friend. 2 unwilling victims. 3 pkl. 4 freaking hours. 5 mins of fame (figuratively).

Thursday, January 18, 2007

impure


i know i've long left the moral high ground.
the continuous downward spiral is making me wonder if purity even exists.

purity of intentions, purity of wishes, purity of soul.

i want to still be innocent and sheltered.
then i wont be so lost, confused and screwed.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

sparks


extract of an email from my prof:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is a free country (at least within the confines of the CB course) - I do not insist that you come to class - I don't take attendance and I don't reward or penalize you for participating or not in class discussions. If you attend class, I must assume that you have some interest in hearing what I have to present for the day, or to learn from your classmates, or to just gaze admiringly at my benign visage (I do take the efforts to shave, you know, just to look good for you - ask my 101 class students who had to bear with my gruff bearded appearance for the major part of the term)...

...In return, I too promise to not surf the web while teaching (or listening to your presentations), to not take phone calls (except life and death ones), and to come to class (and finish class) on time. How's that for a deal arh?"

the moon must be blue. i'm actually going admit that there is ALOT potential for learning where i am. but we often move too quickly to capitalise on all the opportunities. much as i complain like mad, i'm sure i'll miss all the crazy/hecitc/sleep deprived (okays.. maybe not so much sleep deprived) days spent with crazy/loads of things to do/sleep deprived friends.

for all its cold soulsucking tendencies, filled with stickthin, impossibly smart people pracing around to taunt the few remaining mere mortals in our faces, i do see sparks once in a while.


and i -heart- biao. (sorry chris!) owe you huge for this one.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Sunday, January 14, 2007

typically alpha


now that i have suitably calmed down and dont feel like commiting genocide towards the rest of mankind, i shall talk about something more mundane but a huge factor in my life: school.

never have i been more wrong into thinking that i got the best of both worlds since my course of study is neither arts nor science. now i have BOTH a mountain load of readings (fulfilling the arts part) and crappy technical stuff to fig out (fulfilling the science part). especially fun when doing either makes me want to go to dreamland and not return forever.

then there are overly enthusiastic people of whom one labels as project groupmates. enthusiasm which lasts for about 15 seconds. who send emails to request for meetings only disappear from the face of the earth thereafter.

the soul sucking institution i am in is making me miss out on two overseas trips in feb. i know i am going to get whacked for saying i have zero social life. since i still meet up with friends on a weekly kinda basis (anything that is more than having lunch/dinner/supper in school chalks up a notch here) and am somewhat dating. but the kinda and somewhat indicate my bloody one and only commitment to s.c.h.o.o.l.

to date: i have 10 hours worth of tv in the backlog to clear. and everyone knows how cranky i get when i cant spend time with the husband.

i conclude that i dont walk. i march. causing myself to neglect and overlook a lot of things around which i ought to have paid attention to. my second conclusion is that with my terribly alpha personality, i will probably die when i hit 40. which means that i'm technically halfway through my life already. one positive from the conclusion is not having to worry about dying a frigid old maid cos i would be dead before i get to that. ha.

and i still have yet figured out how to slow down or to not overcommit or to be less volatile.

point of indifference


“The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.” ~Elie Wiesel

honestly, fuck all.
while it feels like the end of the world, it is damn apparently not.
shrivel up and cry is an option.
lament about the bad luck and stupid emotions is another.
but neither would be taken.
at the end of the day, i would surpass expectations and make people regret what they are missing out.
and they can live with those regrets for the rest of their sad pathetic lives.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

non-fight


"You were holding to me
Like a someone broken
And i couldnt tell you but i'm telling you now.

Just let me hold you while you're falling apart
Just let me hold you so we both fall down

Fall on me
Tell me everything you want me to be
Forever with you forever in me
Ever the same

You may need me there
To carrry all your weight
But you're no burden i assure
You tide me over
With a warmth i'll not forget
But i can only give you love"


it is as though a part of you has died. sweet revenge only means something if you are still fighting. but you are not. i know i am crying over spilled milk yet it is no less painful. this is not my fight. all the same, i cant bare to see you give up on what belongs to you in the first place.

i do not seek power. but one day in time, i will use what i've got to make the lives of those who cross me and/or the people i love very miserable. just try me.

Friday, January 12, 2007

dedication and loyalty dictate




event opened to ALL!!

ghost


the ghost of economics past has come back to haunt me. as i agonisingly flipped through the pages of my notes, i wonder how on earth i am going to survive this. damn macro economics. now it's called international economics. i am as un-international as one can get so attempting to make sense of anything international is way beyond means. lalala... did i mentioned that i'm screwed?

thankfully the blood types differ. or else it would just be scary. one who makes me laugh everytime. the other who makes it difficult for me to stay angry for long. two very important aquarius(es) whom i have the tendency to rattle on and on to. sometimes i wonder how much gets in. or if they are just too polite to ask me to shut up.

so similarly introverted. so alike in outward expressions of okay-ness despite internal struggles. so making me think about how much i actually know them.

let's hope reverse osmosis works and that the ghost would be exorcist.


i am still hoping for the day where people around me will undercommit so that i can do the same. bah. the problem with hating to let people down.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

fast track to enlightenment


if only people understand what they are getting into, then there wont be self-delusion.
if only the truth is embraced, then there is much more understanding.
if only i have much more time, then i would put in much more effort.
if only it has been within control, then things would have been different.
if only close-mindedness cease, then all will be clear.
if only you look a little beyond, then you'd see so much further.
if only the source lies within, then plans work.

if only i give a fuck about labels, then i'd have backed off.

battle of the sexes


DISCLAIMER: for those who hate crazily soppy posts, do go ahead and skip.

i have no idea who i seem closer to guys as i grow older. maybe cos guys tend to judge less. maybe cos there's this inevitable want to compete with other girls. dont get me wrong, i still have and love all my gfs and do the craziest things with them. they are irreplaceable in my life. just that when it comes to deep dark secrets, i have this slight inclination to tell my guy friends instead. just rather weird. perhaps i'm sometimes tired of having to be strong, achieving, undefeatable and just want to (dare i say it?) be a girl.

it is difficult to allow yourself to be vulnearable at times.


anw, i am glad to have the old you back. the one who doesnt run away when i reach out. the one who allows me to be a brat. the one who has been a pillar of strength. i hope this you doesnt go away anytime soon.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

I have forgotten how to breathe.

terribly


achy. after lugging my 2.7kg ibook, IE text, video cam and one million other stuff back and forth school. that plus having perfectionist marketing in charge(s) who made me walk up and down until the perfect shots had been captured. like after one and half hours.

fat. i eat too much. period. hopefully the new semester neutralises weight.

hyper. because i need to get so many things done and my brain is going into overdrive right this very moment.

amazed (actually not terribly. just amazed). half hour journey to school and three important emails to send/respond to. when inbox was just checked moments before i left the house. technology is sucking our soul dry but we cant live without it.

broke. from buying textbooks that i may read/study.

amused. by the two phone conversations i had with the purpose of settling nothing. you guys are adorable :)

loved.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

for thought


"There are two kinds of truth - trivial truths and profound truths.
The opposite of a trivial truth is false,
but the opposite of a profound truth is also true."
~ Niels Bohr

"The bad news is that we often find ourselves in trouble.
The good news is that in trouble, we often find ourselves."


and one for not following the rules:
"I think the reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself."
~Rita Mae Brown

marketing 101



my cam phone has problems focusing and capturing words.

"Just five minutes of sex burns the calories contained in this lollipop."

i suppose chupa chups wont be too pleased about it. but it's still pretty good marketing.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

cuatro


reminiscing the past. savouring the memories. making myself slow down to catch up with the long lost friends. amazed at how things stayed the same. dynamics are still the same. jokes still run freely. the girlfriend's still the gf. some topics are still the same old topics. essentially, the craziness remained :D

blood diamond was interesting. although it was a tad long. actually, any show that makes me tear wont suck all that much. then again, the latest three shows i watched made me tear. so my line of argument is kinda flawed.

daddy said i attract the wrong kind of attention. i dont entirely disagree. but i'd lose whatever reputation i have if i allowed him to help do an image overhaul. perhaps a somwhat attitude adjustment would work better.

batman movies cant be watched on dvds. somehow there's always too many distractions.
strangely, it has been acknowledged as dating. sweet but rather weird to think of it as such.

reason 2367 that i'm very much a child: love the designer waste paper (erm) container i got :)
reason 2368: eagerly awaiting my cuatro parts christmas present. one of the nicest types of suspense i've been held in for quite a while.

Friday, January 05, 2007

cross over


the many various aspects are neatly compartmentalised. most of the time, they remain where they should be. however, some occasionally threaten to spill over to another side.

the many facets of one's personality. that you are one and the same person. yet essentially different to each person in your life.

if we consciously hide certain aspects, is it because we are afraid? or ashamed? or simply unable to embrace who we actually are? if we choose not conceal, can the world handle the truth?

maybe this is why no one really understands another person.
we are masters of deception most of our lives.
carefully preventing certain cross overs.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

cry!


i feel like my whole world has ganged up against me. for some unfathomable reasons, people have this tendency to want to meet me on the same day within the same time period. and try as i may to reshuffle, i end up having to choose one over the other.

"What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you love. That's what matters. That's the only thing that counts." ~The Last Kiss
i know i ought to prioritise and it is not the end of the world. But no matter how bad i feel about having to miss yet another meetup-hangout session, the bottomline is that i am not there.

i need to clone copies of myself so that i can be there for everyone who matters.
truth is, i'm sick of having to choose already. for once, i'd like to be able undercommit.

which brings me to the point of the current "single and available if you can catch me" status.
i will probably die by 40 at this rate of not slowing down.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

sh*t and fu*k


two words that dominate my brain today cos i attempt to be civilised and not verbalise them.

bah.

i love it when school starts, with last min meeting notices, tons of makeup lessons, RESPONSIBILITIES and the anticipation of gazillion projects and assignments. what fun.


***

third day and already atypical. seldom passing on personal problems to others to figure out solutions. but this is somewhat unique. keeping fingers crossed that minimal length of the bridge will be burnt.

lesson learnt.


***

as for the nice parts of today:
concern from the beloved son. listening to me whine about the same things takes a lot.
peck on face, going out of the way, inside jokes, constant laughter. and knowing the relationship will never change.
making fools out of ourselves in school.
friendships that strengthen despite increasingly differing paths.
and yet-to-be-received christmas presents cos i'm daughter to one and princess to the other :D

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

2007


now that i'm not that much in a ranting mood, i guess i ought to reflect on the last year.
a random point: i never seem to make the reflections on 1st jan proper.

2005. a year which i mentioned i want to relive that whole year over again.
2006 wasnt quite the same. more fumbling, more failures, more facades of happiness. i'm kinda sad to see the year go all the same. cos with all the notsonice, i managed to figure out who i am, what i want, things/people that are important and most importantly, not be bitter about life's experiences.

hopefully, there are more ups and less downs for 2007. that i will be a blessing no matter how small to the people around. and that i will not lose myself come what may.

happy new year peeps!

white noise


anyone who wants a piece of me for time, attention and whathaveyous better make your requests known again.
or hope that you are important enough to warrant me placing you a priority.

oh.. and since this is the new year and all, i will officially state that i hate people who beat around the bushes and go around the trees and whatever when all they have to do is ask. i may absolutely hate the questions but i'd appreciate the honesty. if things are done behind my back, please do not result in me finding out. cos it takes a lot to get back my respect.

current tally of to-do list is at 11 and i have at least 40 emails to make sense of.
and yes, i'm starting the new i'm-going-to-get-killed semester in 13 hours' time.

this is a bitchy self-centred post.
but i do not like the fact that i've lost track of my life in the mere 5 days that i'm outta town.


me: miss me?
bro: nope. i like your fan.
*for all the things he took as his while i wasnt around (okays... so i 'borrow' his stuff more often), i still love him loads.