i wish i am unflinching. that i am not scared. that i do not lack resolve. at times, i hate the fact that i am merely mortal and hope for some fairy to fly by and sprinkle magic dust on me.
putting others above myself is hard to do. because i am inherently a selfish person. because it makes me open to attacks from disappointment and waves of overwhelming emotions. understanding. so easily said. i dont want to understand and just want things to happen the way i want them to. yet promises have been made. if only i rule the world.
perhaps i'm silly to believe. stupid even. perhaps i should grow to accept that everything is relative and no longer take anything at face value. once in a while, i wish for the horrendous jerk aspect to surface so hate and contempt can manifest and i just learn to skip away. yet somehow, it has always been the adorable arse aspect that remains and i give in.
not being able to put a tangible value is somewhat interesting. at the back of my mind, i wonder: for what point really? yet i'm so merely mortal that irrationality still prevails. having an aggressive nature doesnt mean i pick fights for the sake of it. things have been resolved in the shortest time yet. both saw the pointlessness in fighting. and took efforts to prevent things from escalating. i never doubted that a little part of us feel that such efforts are too much at times. all the same, i am glad that we are holding on even if it's at times barely by the nails.
and i still wish i am unflinching. so i will stop being bothered and caring so much.
...............