Tuesday, February 27, 2007

fucking self-centred. so?


"Highly motivated persuasion means that Jacqueline intends to assertively, even aggressively, make direct personal contact with others, orally project a message with the deliberate intent and attempt to cause the listener or listeners to hear what is said, accept what is said, and act on what was said, so Jacqueline can close the deal... But if Jacqueline is defending and/or championing the cause of the underdog or the less fortunate, then it will seem as if some modern-day Don Quixote and/or Joan of Arc are doing the persuading." so says the MAPP.

meaning that i am relentless. on the issues i see a point to fight in. funny enough, the same assessment mentioned that i have a motivation to help other people and derive personal satisfaction from doing so. ha.. i think i'm just using Cialdini's ploy of reciprocity in persuasion.

can someone spell b.i.t.c.h?

Monday, February 26, 2007

a tribute


i ought to be studying for my exam. instead, i recalled and dug up the precious things i receieved eleven months back.
and i realised i didnt articulate (enough) then how much they meant to me. so this is a tribute to all those who made me the luckiest girl alive and to tell you all i love you all back!

from the quote book:
"Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; not conforming to standards of thought, speech and action derived by the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad by officials destitute of evidence that they themselves are sane."

"Being a woman is a terribly difficult task since it consists principally in dealing with men."

from the attached document:
“A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. So smile more!”
"The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple."
"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow."

from the devil's dictionary:
"Age, n. That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we still cherish by reviling those that we have no longer the enterprise to commit."

from the calendar:
"the cock croweth but the hen delivereth the goods."


the people this is goes to:
4 girls, 3 dates, 2 countries, 1 crazy comm.
and the young innocent things that always need to catch the last bus/train back!

Saturday, February 24, 2007

great, memorable plus emmy nominated opening theme.
boyish looking cute guy in uniform.
military linked plot.
it is a drool worthy buffet of the things i like.

so why on earth have i never watched a single episode of JAG? it has suddenly occured to me that this is one of those late night tv shows my parents used to watch (late night in the past means over 10pm). well.. the amazing technological advancements (aka tv, cable and dvr) shout that i should start searching for the re-runs and begin salivating over david james elliott soon.

searching my soul



"I've been searchin my soul tonight
I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine a light
To find my way back home"


not even close to figuring out the world and dont pretend that i have. neither am that innocent sheltered angel who thinks that everything is fluffy, sweet and wonderful. i would think i possess sufficient cynicism to not be fooled too much. it does occur to me that i can be a little less aggressive, a little more obliging to make my life a little easier. after a while, i get kinda tired of having to clear the misunderstandings of the true intentions behind my actions that i think i ought to be... well... less volatile.

there are always distractors and people who hate my guts. there are always also real friends who stick by despite seeing the most horrible, bitchy and intolerable sides of me. seeing how i havent screwed up much of living yet, i think i will still pretty much be this combustible thing who drives people nuts.

havent decided if it is a good or bad thing to not be treated as a girl (in most cases) due to my personality though.



sidenote #1: when you make use of whatever unscrupulous ways to get what you want, would you admit that you are humanly imperfect and move on with life? or would you choose to put yourself on a supposed untouchable pesdestal and hope to stay there forever?

sidenote #2: hate IE. but love my IE babes. for the hardwork. for having to sit through my exclamations. for the crazy number of hours spent together doing the same thing. for our ability to scare all the guys in bizcom :p still, we ought to impose quotas on our collaboration for we would want to have lives outside GSRs yarh?

why bother waiting?
why not quash?
why leave room for error?
why keep information?
why maintain silence?

it is actually more interesting to have and not use.
to witness the extent of human deceit and illusions.
to watch downwards spirals which i can easily stop.
and therein lies true power.

because even giants fall from beanstalks :)



being nice pays off in some occasions.
being smart and real pay off in all of them.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

got them all today for just being me.
people who love me rocks!
cos they actually moved beyond just tolerating me.




reason #87 why i'm not getting a boyfriend anytime soon:
guys trashtalk with subtle honesty in front of me too much.
negative info overload. ha.

pretend non-existence


due to my surface area and volume, i would think it is pretty difficult to pretend that i dont exist. but IT IS POSSIBLE. i was sidestepped, backfaced and ignored. if it wasnt for the fact that the door was opened for me, i would be inclined to believe that i somehow turned invisible in a mere three hours.

too much persistence is sometimes bad. i got what i wanted partially but at an unexpected cost.
and i was partially at fault in this so i will only feel partially guilty.

interesting enough, i was still offered bus fare, managed to borrow an ezlink card and receieved something that is more of a want than a need from the person i was fighting with.

which made me want to shout: point proven! can we get past this ridiculous nonsense already?
but i do know when to keep my mouth shut. once in a while.
as with all previous promises made, we will be okay. eventually. when someone gets over the being-pissed-off state of being.


the first physical exertion being paintball after godknowshowlong of inactivity is not something to be attempted. results: dozen headshots, another couple of shots at the fingers, one shot in the bum, inability to breathe properly for quite a while, A VERY BROKE me and a body that feels like it has been run over by a truck.

one comment struck me. and i realised i was the outlier who never played the game as a staff. i never felt out of place as making small talk is afterall essential in my field. and i am glad to be still included. which is probably why i miss being part of it.

it takes so much efforts to maintain ties, but days like yesterday made me feel that efforts should be made.

Monday, February 19, 2007

figure itself out


most of us are going to sell our souls to the companies we would eventually work for. but instead of maximising the remaining freedom left, we are making sure that our souls would be sold to the highest bidder. how idiotic.

as we near death, are we going to remember the number of As we got? or the number of zeroes on our paychecks? i wont. what i see myself recalling are the seemingly pointless and puerile things. the conversations with family and friends, the meals had together, the hours spent wandering around aimlessly, the zoning in front of the tv/movie screens, the holiday trips. the laughter and tears shared, the hugs given and receieved, the hands held.

so as many start looking for jobs to earn enough for that house/car/wedding/holiday; or making vows to that special someone to spend the rest of their lives together, i am not quite ready yet. not ready to embark on the path of a successful career. not ready to give up the privilege of leeching on my parents. not ready to take up adult responsibilities. not ready to find anyone to pledge my undying love and commitment to. not ready to stop being the child i still feel i am.

for as long as i can, i want to love and hate freely. live in the present instead of for the future. and let my life figure itself out.


maybe i just have a thing for choir. or maybe i have a thing for adorable blond-haired children. maybe continuous bombarding does have an effect (i hear the song at least 10 times while doing this for MR). and i thought i possess sufficient healthy cynicism not to be touched by ads.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

why blog cryptically


but first, why blog? some would say that it allows them to access to a large network of people, friends and family whom they otherwise would not be able to catch up with. honestly, do i think those in my life would have the time and energy to read the amount of verbal diarrhoea i churn on an almost daily basis? nope.

the reason behind is way more narcissist. it depicts MY world, MY thoughts, MY feelings, MY life. it is empowering to know that someone on the other side of this screen is hanging onto the words i say (so what if it constitutes a small fragment of entirety?) i mean all that i say on this blog. even if that emotion/cognition only lasts for a moment. because that moment in time, as i am living it, is all that matters to me then (and maybe now). but the point is, i put it on because i want you to read it. whether you are a friend, a foe or someone i will never meet.

so why cryptic? because while i am okay with telling the world certain things, i wont know for sure the people who experience them with me would appreciate the fact that all is published. more importantly, we live on a planet that is big brother-ish as it is. i dont need another avenue for people to snoop around my life. so i see it as a way to exercise control over people finding out what i want them to find. p.s. i respect people who post beentheredonethat entries. because i always think they leave open floodgates for bitebacks in the arse.

if someone can connect the dots - link my blog entries to reality, this person would be able to gain great insights about my life. and if this same someone manages to find my other secret blog which is not known to anyone, then i can be blackmailed forever. so if someone who is reading this does succeed in the former or the latter (or both. the horrors!), do remember to let me know so that i can prepare money of whathaveyous.

meanwhile, enjoy the words :)


-enigmatically yours

consumerism


loreal, british airways, singapore airlines, canada dry, PSA, reebok, tcc.
and who can forget the wonderful MFA and ATC of the EU-China textile issues?

what public holidays? what midterm break?

my laptop will start overheating.
even then i wont have legitimate excuse not to look closely into the bloody effects of consumerism.

honestly, why do we bother figuring out the only half rational behaviour of other human beings anw? sheesh!

Saturday, February 17, 2007

heaps of unmentioned gratitude


making my school related problems yours but still indulging to help me with them. dinner/supper after rushing to get things done. the no holds barred conversations about everything under the sun. doing respective work even though we are supposed to be hanging out. never seen before more than ten-year-old spectacles. genuine understanding. staring at the ceiling and talking about death, growing old and degenerating body parts. laughing at my inability to process information and my stealing your iTunes music. offering to elevate my pseudo orphan status during this period. holding my hand (and goddamn heavy laptop) before finally sending me off on my way. being my rock and an incredible friend.

i was dethroned...
from being the ultimate jaywalker in my life.
when i lamented that he ought to tell me that we are making our way across the road (in the most dangerous fashion ever), he said immediately and matter of factly, "We're crossing the road." yeap.. i cant see the fact that i was risking my life by standing in the middle of it already. i was divided between hitting him and laughing.

not so related thought:
Because we are crazy enough to want to manipulate but end up being manipulated.
So irritatingly human.

Friday, February 16, 2007

exposé, ONS and flings


exposé: a public exposure or revelation, as of something discreditable
for "gunning down the whole society's warped views", i am actually damn flattered. okay so i am a sucker for compliments but i doubt it is everyday that bluntness and "wham. in your face." are appreciated. there are occasions that people read too much in my posts. then there are occasions they do and they turn out to be right :)

for asking me out to drink when i barely began my meeting.
for having to throng the malls cos NO WHERE sells alcohol even though we are willing to pay.
for sitting in the middle of nowhere; talking about work, school and parents who still think we are innocent little girls.
for trying to convince me to fall in love with one of my closest guy friends.
for picturing me having a ONS with him since the above would never happen and actually articulating that.
for conversations about flings as if we are the only people walking down the road.
for daring me to have a ONS (of course he must be a caucasian no less) in one month from now to conceding with giving me an extra year or so as long as i provide video evidence of doing so.
for being such a screwed up biatch.
for being such a crazy wonderful friend.
ms wan, i am not cryptic this time!

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

fundamentals


insightful and emotionally satisfying
the cards were all laid.
mankind, yes, every single one of us, is selfish.

greater understanding.

huge chasm in the way things are perceived but loyalty and care prevail.
perhaps i'm only trying to prove a point that i can be more than the ordinary.
or perhaps it is really an act of selflessness that i wasnt previously aware of.

impossibility to cut the ties.

i can always skip around and burst bubbles effortlessly.
i have long wielded this power.
but i shall let others figure out their lives

after all, it is fundamentally the same.
we are fundamentally the same.

it was fun to be in that fantastical little world.
where all is angelic and beautiful.
and unreal.
for me, the truth hurts yet the truth shall make us free.
and in some sorta warped way, we are indeed free.

all the same


I don't mind where you come from
As long as you come to me
I don't like illusions I can't see
Them clearly

I don't care, no I wouldn't dare
To fix the twist in you
You've shown me eventually
What you'll do

I don't mind
I don't care
As long as you're here

Chorus:
Go ahead tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same

Hours slide and days go by
Till you decide to come
And in between it always seems too long
All of a sudden

And I have the skill, yeah I have the will
To breathe you in while I can
However long you stay
Is all that I am

I don't mind
I don't care
As long as you're here

Chorus

Wrong or right
Black or white
If I close my eyes
It's all the same

In my life
The compromise
I close my eyes
It's all the same

for all its commercialisation and my lack of dates all these years, i am still happy on valentine's day.
because love, in all its manifestations, will always be the guiding force in our lives :D

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

seeing


survived the most horrible part of this half of semester! yay!

in my possession for a sorry 3.5 days. anw, having the ability to make internet purchases is a BAD thing. very expensive way of deriving pleasure from shopping. shall stop.

i see better now. because i refuse to let questions remain unanswered. i'm glad for my inyourfaceness and all the opportunities to figure things out. and my lack of delusions. maybe one day i will write a book and help people understand :)

"Well, hit my feet, it's time to hit the streets
And get my life back together again
Well, this place is all a masquerade
So tell me where in line can I cut in?"

you know the times you spend running and running around in circles thinking that if you run fast enough or long enough, you can eventually reach some form of finishing line? dont! ever believe that to be true. you will just end up beyond exhausted. sure, you learn how to run better, faster. but nothing is without its costs.

seriously i ought to re-evaluate my doingcosidontwanttoregret philosophy. i doubt that sitting on the sidelines watching other people run is that bad an option. yet slowing down now means feeling the acute pain of the lactic acid buildup. bah!

but i guess i will start to pace. as for all the needless circlings done, at least they have made me a healthier individual.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

a couple of hours from now, i am going to embark on this huge race against time. and attempt to preserve brain cells in the process. hooray for deranged professors who hold examinations on sunday. and their collusion of making students fail for holding them one after another.

thank goodness for sweet girlfriends who fight for my welfare even though i am in that particular department, helpful guy friends who decide to coach me over the phone seeing how hopeless i am at anything OPIM, old buddies who remember my existence despite my marriage to school and finally the dad and aunt who are terribly convinced that i would starve to death cos they are abandoning me during cny.

i'm counting the little things to keep myself sane.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

love\hate relationships


"Ure better than that." i hate the way he easily guilt trips me into not giving up.

emails after emails after emails. i hate the way the exco people are so efficient even as everyone is in the midst of prepping for exams.

the songs and misc files sent to cheer me up. i hate the way you always step into my world at the correct times and profoundly touch me to the point of tears. makes me wonder why i love you but never quite fall in love with you.


it is damn difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you are in the middle of it. the only option remains is to hold onto the hope that it is not all in vain. even if the eventual results are less than optimal, they are still sufficient to give that additional edge which makes all the struggle worth going through.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

replaced


this. is. fucking. scary.
The human brain has no department full of programming cells that configure the mind. Rather, brain cells program themselves simply by being used. Likewise, our questions program the Machine to answer questions. We think we are merely wasting time when we surf mindlessly or blog an item, but each time we click a link we strengthen a node somewhere in the Web OS, thereby programming the Machine by using it.

The more we teach this megacomputer, the more it will assume responsibility for our knowing. It will become our memory. Then it will become our identity. And maybe one day, it will become us.

From this embryonic neural net was born a collaborative interface for our civilization, a sensing, cognitive device with power that exceeded any previous invention. The Machine provided a new way of thinking (perfect search, total recall) and a new mind for an old species. It was the Beginning.

italics words are extracts from the article linked below (see what i am doing still...)
call me paranoid, but i am not prepared to be replaced by the very Machine i helped create.

the machine is us/ing us


and we thought that we were free.

"We need to rethink
a few things...

Copyright
Authorship
Identity
Ethics
Aesthetics
Rhetorics
Governance
Privacy
Commerce
Love
Family
Ourselves" ~Michael Wesch, Cultural Anthropology Professor



possible alternative career choices:
secretary - notes, transcripting, filing and all the other anal admin shit.
intelligence agent aka spy - considering the amount of information i gather using limited mental capacity and simple technology, i can just imagine the damage i do if i am trained. damn amazing larh :p

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

won't be fooled again


a damn cool song. first, it is the theme of one of my favouritest serials on tv. then, it was significant in one House episode. plus anything that is almost 30 years old but still sounds fraking good now can only be classified as such.

"We'll be fighting in the streets
With our children at our feet
And the morals that they worship will be gone
And the men who spurred us on
Sit in judgement of all wrong
They decide and the shotgun sings the song

I'll tip my hat to the new constitution
Take a bow for the new revolution
Smile and grin at the change all around
Pick up my guitar and play
Just like yesterday
Then I'll get on my knees and pray
We don't get fooled again"

speaking of which, things seem to be getting worse. and one would think that being longer in the system equate to better ability to cope. being slammed left right up down centre is not fun at all. and even though i have 3 midterms papers on 3 consecutive days (none studied at this point in time), i have yet to panic. mix of being indifferent, jaded and realising that panic wont do myself any good.

beginning to scare myself. it wasnt all that long ago when certain issues proved to be ethical and moral dilemmas. but now they dont seem to have great impacts on me. and there i have professors being seriously concerned that such things no longer bother my generation. perhaps what parents have been so worried about is coming true. to what extent am i prepared to go to advance my goals? to how far am i willing to compromise trust and integrity? does winning justify its means? should i do the right thing or the smart thing?

a little misrepresentation wont hurt. a little lie wont kill. and all with very valid reasons. i can foresee myself using them as justifications. what a delicate division - marketing and hr. one with loads of fluff, creating perceived starvation and endless wants. another supposed to be concerned with welfare and goodwill. we are eventually expected to be somewhat schizophrenic; to juggle thousands of balls while maintaining ever approachable smiles. both personally and professionally

not willing to suffer fools. not taking bullshit. but still selling my soul. can i handle it?


totally off point: when you pay almost USD60 for shipping, you can actually see how the package travels halfway across the globe to you. super exorbitant but hyper exciting!

Monday, February 05, 2007

i have never really been away from home for prolonged periods. so even homesickness is more of those temporal feelings.

just in one of those nostalgic moods and this song reminds me of the time when i heard it being played in my ipod as the plane was landing and ended the moment wheels hit the tarmac. stretching it to say that that was a life defining moment though it did feel as such then and didnt quite diminish every time i hear the song again.

guess this goes towards my current three homes away from (real) home.
one where i grew up in, which sheltered me from all the storms of reality.
one where i spend most of my time now at, finally realising the brutality of paper chase and the greyness of the world.
one where it wont ever be legitimately disclosed but is where i can let my guard down, put away all facades and just be fallibly human.

die(s) hard and harder


i still attempt to figure out the mysteries in life, knowing the likelihood of getting any form of answer is minimal. it is just innate in my nature to do so and force people to confront the ugly

tried to quantify with no conclusive result. at the end of the day, i wonder what i'm trying to preserve. myself? friendship? dignity? respect? memories? what? one cant shy away from the truth. but when one is unsure about the truth, then what constitutes shying away? and how much sympathy should i accord the people who have hurt me, for them remaining in their cycles of delusions?

we all want to believe it doesnt matter. but it does.

on a happier note, it is damn fun to watch cheesy action movies. like die hard and die harder. you know the action hero will always survive and a quarter (or more) of the plot defies logic but still watch them anyway. human beings are weird.

answer to picture post


you guys are rather accurate guessers.
the correct answer is spaghetti alio con funghi.
or thereabout. thereabout cos i ate this one month plus back in a notverycheap restaurant in hk and cant remember the exact arrangement of words.

they managed to fuse east and west together in this not-exactly-fabulous-but-not-entirely-bad-fashion for all that was on the menu. just imagine my horror when the waitress brought over this semi-black plate of pasta. it is the pc to be open to other cultures but i have certain mental pictures when it comes to certain foods. i wonder what the italians would say.

as for playing this more often, i need to find not blatantly obvious but not too difficult to guess pictures first. however, all are welcomed to submit suggestions for fun and games. who knows, i may even start this point system thing when responses are sufficient :)

Sunday, February 04, 2007

get between


i have this amazing ability to get between and i guess i could take it as a compliment. in some sorta warped, psychotic way, it is indeed quite flattering. but really, it is a bad record to start. i am not going to live with that. and it's not because i'm hugely magnanimous or that i dont believe in fighting. i just dont see the point or value.

despite all, what remains is respect. respect of them as friends. respect for the affection they have. sure, there will be a part of me hoping for reciprocation. if only life is so simple. someday in time as situations manifest, i will cry. part cos im sad that it is not me who has found the blissful start. more importantly, they will be tears of peace and gladness for the happiness rightfully deserved found.

which is why even if i can, i wont. perhaps this is all just an attempt to elevate myself up the morality high ground. perhaps for all my me-centric-ness, there is still a part that gives a damn about others even if i think they dont earn my generosity.

i doubt i'll ever be sweet, graceful or nice. i'll always be that inyourface bitch who refuses to keep her opinions to herself (unless it is to prevent wars or something of equivalent proportion) and remain very hard to live with. but it is these attributes that allow me to see people as they are. at their basest. no superficial facades, no polite niceties. just what is real. and i'd rather have that than live in perfect lies.



sidenote: i've been so caught up in my sad existence that i no longer blog semi-intellectual/humorous/sarcastic. bloody.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

i will reward whoever who can accurately guess what this is.

confirm plus chop


if i turn into a sully, complaining bitch in the next couple of weeks, i seek everybody's understanding and forgiveness. i foresee myself alternating between adrenaline pumping highs and disgusting lows. because stress level is currently up the neck and will only go higher.

why so?

well... i only have 4 midterms, 2 project proposals, 1 research assignment and 1 report due. with not a single one worked on as yet. and a number of people i love are flying off for school/holidays which translates to loads of gatherings i have/want to go.

hows?

this time, confirm plus chop die lorh.

Friday, February 02, 2007

guilt


(a). Remorseful awareness of having done something wrong.
(b). Self-reproach for supposed inadequacy or wrongdoing.

funny how my mere existence can trigger guilty conscience.
funny how i built up defenses that "sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me".
funny how for all the already dead brain cells, i am still not that big an idiot.

dont do things to hurt people.
one may think the victory is obtained, not knowing that the shot is aimed at one's own foot.
because one day, the hidden will surface and illusions shatter.
and because i dont bite now doesnt mean i will not sharpen the fangs and wait for the perfect opportunity to strike.


it is folly to think that anyone can love you more than you love yourself. we are all just selfish bastards who are too self-indulgent to admit that fact.