Friday, March 30, 2007

top 4 probable causes of death


1. knocked down while jaywalking
2. heart attack
3. fear and shock
4. bumming around too much

doing nothing has never felt so good. deadlines still exist but they are not looming. yet.

i ought to consider investigative reporting based on ability to extract information out of nowhere. the only problem being i have a terrible memory resulting from writing minute details down too often. bah.

as for the debate between money or looks, i will still go for money. with money, you can partially buy looks. although it did strike me a min ago that with looks, you can pimp yourself to get money. but xue, i think you wont want that right? :D

fifth


god, i think i have no reputation left!! now i know i bring much joy and laughter to people at the expense of myself. hahas..


i LOVE LOVE LOVE the present. mr ng, thank you for breaking the bank to finance it (and proofing that sometimes guys do listen)! biatches, thank you for contributing! from the bottom of my heart.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

fourth (of hopefully some more)




with hope comes pain. with expectations come disappointments. not all birthday celebrations are happy. learning to deal is but a part of life.
















third (of hopefully some more)

with the most weirdly interlinked group. which makes it all the more meaningful and precious that time was taken off to celebrate with me.

trooper and son,

you two are the people who make cry the most.
why do i still love the both of you so much?
gah!

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

chris rock is HILARIOUS.

Monday, March 26, 2007

i love my project group mates!

that i dont mind turning lesbian and having a thing with the girls.
and marrying the guys.

metaphorically speaking of course.

hell week


they dont call it hell week for nothing.
a time when people stop eating properly, stop sleeping much.
a time when frustrations run high.
a time when the idea of quitting school keeps resounding in your brain.


how some people can make it to tertiary education and be the top (insert statistical data) percent of the population is beyond me. they are so fraking moronic - see below:
I think its a little unfair that all groups get about the same grade for the project...very much lessens motivation to do better, since effort, hard work and ability is not well rewarded and recognised...(blah blah blah complain some more)... get a "grade reward", i.e. a 2% up in the final grade.

about the same = not the same. whoever who posted this must think of the prof as extremely stupid or him/herself as extremely outperforming the cohort. either way, i hope s/he gets shot in the foot for the incredulous suggestion.



a component of consumer behaviour project.
meaning i'd better do all my remainingmarketing mods with some freaking talented animator/video editor/idea generator/(insert specific zai skill) person from now.

partially conceptualising can only bring me that far. why cant i be talented too??

Sunday, March 25, 2007

second (of hopefully many)




as thought of by my still-behaving-very-much-like-a-teenager mother. at this rate, i am going to put on so much weight.
btw, my little bro is damn cute. and my potential bf has to have a bod at least comparable to his. heh. no one ever said that i have attainable standards :p

Saturday, March 24, 2007

first (of hopefully many)




extravagant extravagant extravagant! but damn damn nice. i still dont understand why it's called fruit de mer when there is no fruit save for one lemon.

breaking point


the convergence of 4 presentations, 3 reports and 1 quiz in 3 days makes this semester the worst (yet).

i am turning schizo, alternating between periods of intense hyperactivity and pindrop silence. hours upon hours of staring at a computer screen is not helping. there is also this issue of dealing with people. i cant simply disappear into a little hole and sulk. nopes. whether because society dictates or it is just part of growing up, i am still expected to be a diplomate, to possess sensitivity, to volunteer for additional shit.

the mental exhaustion.

seriously, stop feeding me the cock and bull story about how everything is equipping me for the future. if this is any indication of my future, i am finding some painless way to take my own life.


sidenote for that 5 funties: the evening brought back much memories. miss the good ol' days :(

Friday, March 23, 2007

blessings counted



nothing interesting. since life now revolves around presentations, reports and GSRs.

but am thankful.
for the crazy random talkcockbelame gang.
for the company of fabulous biatches.
for chemistry within project groups and everyone pulling their weights.
for the parents' understanding about me MIA-ing from home all the time.
for my pillar of strength.
for the old ties remaining and the new ones forged.

for what doesnt kill us makes us stronger :)

Monday, March 19, 2007

double standards



the ultimate birthday present and the only item on my wishlist: time

this is now a very bad time to give me problems. fine, there is technically no good times for problems but now is exceptionally bad. and i dont play nice.

god willing, status quo will never change. yet it is foolish for anyone to expect me to remain as and where i am. still, people who care will never lose me, not completely anyway.

[edit]i am in an institution where getting 9.25 out of 10 still warrants the whole group asking if the mean is 9.5. yes, this is the level of crappy competition i deal with dayindayout. thank god for friends who see the me beyond grades. then again, it is prolly cos my grades are far from being threatening to them. oh wells.

the existence of double standards. you have yours and i have mine. deal with it.







*one of the many pics i have gotten whenever i talk to cy on msn

Sunday, March 18, 2007

i knew i had pretty much sealed the bitch rep when parents just had to warn me thrice in two hours not to write anything that would cause people to lose their jobs. well.. if i had the flair, i would be the author of multibillion-dollar making book. plus, even though i had to deal with assholes too regularly for my liking, the difference between constructive criticisms and being plain bitchy was still very much apparent.

alternate universe


exhilaration without the pain.
understanding without the sacrifices.
maybe they exist in an alternate universe.


why this weekend is unique:
waking up on both days, in different homes, to people who mean a lot. i must have muttered godknowshowmuch incomprehensible nonsense, looking the typical zombified self. the lack of self-consciousness is interesting as much as it is appalling.

it is always the simplest things that make you realise all that you have taken for granted. the simplest things that make you realise the ultimate joy comes from being accepted and loved for who you really are.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

diamonds


personal:
can be quite the drama queen, i admit to that. but when how i feel is dismissed, i get VERY pissed. really, it is not very difficult to be sympathetic. just stop rationalising and acknowledge. one doesnt even need a lot of words or brains to be able to do that.

it is rather pessimistic to conclude that we are all alone in this world. really, it is impossible to understand another human being. because most of the time, we are too preoccupied with agonising over our own lives and problems to give much of a fuck anyway. the whole thing about building and maintaining relationships is that there are always agendas. there is no such thing as no strings attached or "just doing it because".

and when relationships with people fail me, it once again brings to light that depending on oneself is the fundamental route to take.



professional:
in all the (slightly more than) twenty years of life, i have figured that it is risky for professional life to cross into social circle and vice versa. too much is at stake and there will be the question of where to draw the lines. it is too simplistic to think that we can compartmentalise the two.

why is this especially troubling? because i'd like to think that i'm good to work with on a professional aspect but becomes somewhat monstrous when things/people cross into the personal realm.


"Whether we fall by ambition, blood or lust, like diamonds, we are cut with our own dust." John Webster

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

here there everywhere


with fixation over what seems to be the dearest thing of the moment, foolish actions ensue and other critical aspects of life are somewhat neglected. it is sad how people tend to disappoint. how efforts amount to little at the end of the day. but well, it is never the end of the world. nothing ever is (except the end of the world itself). we just put coping mechanisms in place and move on with our lives.

anw, here i am, a few hours before the submission of TWO case studies and happily starting on them. i need something stronger than caffeine. my brain is completely unstimulated with two cups of tea within a half an hour time frame. this reminds me of my dear ol' finance report churning which lasted for hours and hours on end.

oh yarh.. i have 4 presentations, 1 report and 1 quiz on my birthday week. what an exciting way to turn into an adult. bah.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

diplomacy


it entails writing emails peppered with smileys and "thanks".

when ever so often, all i want to say is:
HELLO bitches and assholes, can you hurry up and respond already? if you cant/are not interested to keep to designated deadlines, it is COMMON COURTESY to say so in the first place. because i have better things to do than to nag/plead/remind you of the things that need to be done. if you want the world to revolve around you, go find one and stop fucking up mine! thanks! :)

whoever who gets in my way today will die.


and on a rhetorical why do my posts sound so angry (i choose to answer this one): because it is much much much more painful to cry unseen tears.

Monday, March 12, 2007

attempt 975673 to remain calm


jacqueline wants to run away!

and just becasue i have gone through my 17th and 18th years of life relatively unscathed and mostly happy, DO NOT FUCKING UNDERVALUE THE EFFORTS i have put in them.

funny enough, this came to mind when i made attempt 975674 to remain calm. when there is zero link to my agitated state. maybe it's the clear sky. maybe it brought to mind the breeze on that day. maybe cos this is an occasional thus more treasured view. maybe i'm already turning mad.

unyielding


the compromise i didnt make attests to the fact that i am accepted and appreciated for who i am and not what i can offer. there was no question of what i would do then. it was a given but there was still the "what if". maybe i am just blessed that things worked out against the odds. more so, maybe fighting for what i believe in counts for something and working hard does pay off in this messed up world.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

i have black finger nails!


when i have spent most of the week holed up in one sad little room or another, trying to get my work done, why is it that nothing seems close to completion at the end of the week? this.is.depressing. it got to the point that i look at deadlines and laugh. cos they havent managed to kill me yet. and i've just had a three and a half hour meeting on a saturday night that drew zero conclusions. how lovely!

on happier notes:
i am not sick. yet. which is a miracle. i can live with looking semi-crappy.

love the crazy unpredictable one! things are moving along this strange route but i am not complaining since i get nice little surprises. reaffirmations are always treasured. and yes, i acknowledge the sad fact that i am going to be an adult soon. but i like pracing around like a little girl once in a while.


i think i am not making sense right now. so i shall stop.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

dissent


policy makers dont think and make me wonder how they get to where they are today.

case one to point: a penalty is imposed in company XYZ on employees who signed up for D&D and failed to show up. make sense to the point of imposing this same penalty on people who are sick and on medical leave. so yes, if i am sick and puking my guts out, i still have to attend the company's function or else i would have to pay an additional $85 for the bloody dinner even though the doctor have certified that i am too ill to work. fucking ridiculous. i need someone to enlighten me on MOM laws with regards to this senseless treatment. btw, i can foresee my parents hating me for possibly joining the industry they completely resent. hooray!

case two to point: unblocking fee for the ez-link card. we have to pay to unblock something we already possess so that we can use it. but isnt the card paid for alr? there has to be some logic behind a profit maximising notion. but i see none. other than profit maximising for its sake. and the joke of it all is that this is for a public transportation system. fucking ridiculous.

[edit]
case three to point: on some fanciful LTA booklet - "Full-day bus lanes will be useful to a significant number of buses, which are more efficient carriers of passengers compared to private transport. Motorists will benefit too if more people (including motorists) take buses, because they are moving more quickly, and overall, all trips will be smoother!" i quoted and unquoted directly. it sounds as if it has been written by a primary 3 student. wait! that is an insult to the p3 kid. what convoluted logic! then again, what logic? i cant believe this can actually be printed to be read. fucking ridiculous.

i feel ashamed to be a singaporean.

can miles truly separate us from friends? if we want to be with someone we love, aren't we there already?

~richard bach

Friday, March 09, 2007

being there


it is my very nature to articulate. and it does make me wonder occasionally if words begin to lose their meanings if they are repeated too often. but there is no zero sum relationship between saying and feeling. funny how we keep within the confines of codes imposed on us by society. it is never about being deviant for deviance sake. it is about doing the things that matter to you even if frown upon by most.

i guess i just want to say "i love you" to the two guys. whom i somehow know will read this. for accepting me for who i am and never judging. for sticking by despite the disappearance of the crazylala optimistic aspects of me. for trying to make me laugh when i cry. for the times flying by when time is spent together. for remembering me during wee hours in the morning. for touching my heart in ways i will never forget. for being the darling and the dearie, just the way they are.

one day, when they find the girls of their dreams, they may have to walk away. after all, the silly rules in society make people doubt whether platonism or fragments of platonism exist. i will then look back on the faith, loyalty and friendships we share. and how their presence in my life changed me in more ways they can imagine.

things i am good at


sleeping
watching tv
procrastinating
being paranoid
getting lost
doing the melodrama "i am dying!!!" thing
helping to flatten the bell curve with my horrible grades
being in people's faces and intimidating them
nitpicking on grammatically incorrect stuff
appearing to hardworking/effecient/hiong
pretending that i am making a huge contribution to mankind

and of course, constructing blog posts out of nothing.




wanted to put this a long time ago. guess where and for what.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

battles





Cause I want nothing more than to sit | Outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing | Is where I want to be

we fight battles every day. petty arguments, varied negotiations. then once in a while, life is moving along rather placidly when bombshells are dropped and we suddenly need to arm ourselves for the critical moments that are to come. if one's life is too intricately tied to another; be it family, friend or colleague, his battles end up becoming part of yours. being the aggressive okayletsfight person, i need to remember to take a step back from the battles that are technically not mine. standing back to watch debris raining down is difficult. collateral damage? hell, i will screw the people who cause me to become part of it.

however, i am trying to walk to the opposite side of the battlefield today. never ceasing to root for the one in it but also not constantly reiterating the fact that the battle has commenced (although unintentionally). no matter what promises have been made, we all know that no one walks out of the battlefield the same person who walked in. and not stepping into the zone means that i wont witness how the wounds result.

definitely a risky undertaking and i dont like it. but in view of the secrets shared and journey thus far, i guess i can have a little faith to walk to the other side. and i keep my fingers crossed that the wars will be over as quickly and as painlessly as possible.

cos maybe, even if everything changes at the end of the battles, people will emerge stronger individually and also be stronger together.

this is a BIG SHOUTOUT to all the voyeurs out there!
dont think i not know that you are reading this.
there are no secrets in cyberspace. muhahaha...
makes me wonder how much i am revealing myself to complete strangers.

will i become less pig-headed and encrypt this blog?

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

speechless


even with my cantshutupwhenioughtto nature, i was at a loss of words so many times today. i can allude to the fact that my brain and body are shutting down. but more so due to the fact that each and every one of their problems are much bigger than mine. they attempt to cope in different ways - one cried, one got angry and another decided to embark on a alternate path.

i'd like to believe that humans beings always figure something out. after all, we survived 2000 years of evolution, wars, disasters and change to be where we are today. yet in the midst of crises, we feel that our whole world collaspe. i dont know what to say to make things better. because words are not going to magically alter situations and make problems disappear. but i will surface from my own crushing pile of responsibilties and be there in small ways.

and hope that the worst will be over soon.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

history repeating


.. i've seen it all before and i'm seeing it all again...

for a person who is mostly in her own little world, i surprise myself on occasions when i am in heightened states of awareness. i will probably never understand the rationale and the motivation. i will probably put one foot in and get myself into trouble (always managing to do that). i promised to keep my mouth shut with regards to certain issues and i have to fulfil my end of the bargain to ensure cosmic balance. yet i am so damn tempted to break the silence.

and if anything, i've learnt never to believe anything i see or hear. because the life you are living could be a farce for all you know.

are we just pawns of destiny? i watch history repeats itself again. i wonder how many times i will witness it this lifetime.

!WARNING! graphic post


even though i can be quite the sadistic freak of nature, this is with regards to 300. i am still in most cases... erms.. cultured.

i didnt quite get the overt show of breasts. yes, granted, they are nice looking breasts. but nice looking breasts of 10 or so people in various scenes is IMOH unnecessary. plus once you started thinking "oh, they're just another pair of breasts", whatever contribution they are supposed to make to the storyline is lost.

i love the beheading scenes. not entirely realistic but wonderfully done. plus the subtle poignancy can be felt.

must catch for those who like epic-ish movies. due to the larger than life-ness, sin city, with fundamentally flawed characters, still wins. the context of why i ended watching is kinda weird and singaporean enterprises should stop trying to freeze all the people to death. which is partially why i am going to watch it again properly. it was enjoyable all the same.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

those were the days


"I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes

...I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you"

how does one demarcate boundaries which have been crossed ages ago?
sometimes, the love-hate aspect of it all kills me.

inevitable


"it was fear, really, fear that an irrevocable change had just been set in motion, that new people and new events would start to matter... more..."

somehow the march committee seems to have been disbanded. ms soh mentioned that it is due to the crazy semester. which is true. but it is all too easy - crazy semester, other commitments, school work and everything else. and then people start to drift apart. i guess it is part and parcel of life. not liking it but having to accept it.

i am just grateful that once in a while, on occasions like birthdays and whats not, we remember each others' existence and make it a point to keep in touch. even if the encounters are short and the conversations barely dive beneath the surface.

after all, we have to change what we cant accept and accept what we cant change.

Saturday, March 03, 2007

reason 1693 why i am a boring person:
official school days = smoo = slavery to the system
so called non school days = mostly still smoo. if else trying to clear the backlog of smoo related work = more slavery

but i am not going to complain too much. i have had enough of drama in life for a while. predictablity and plain old mundaness should serve me well.

"The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become."

Charles DuBois


p.s. you know you have a rocking hot mother when you have to raid her wardrobe to be more fashion forward. problem being she's smaller built than me. now i think 26 is a good age to give birth.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

in pouring rain


"Send someone to love me | I need to rest in arms | Keep me safe from harm | In pouring rain
Give me endless summer | Lord I fear the cold | Feel I'm getting old | Before my time
As my soul heals the shame | I will grow through this pain"

keeping fingers crossed that i accumulated enough karmatic energy to find bro's stuff which i lost.

today, i realised that i am able to put aside lack of sleep, bitchiness and personal crisis to care for complete strangers. which is why my professional life and private life should always be kept separated.

i wonder if being artifically motivated and chirpy to tell kids things i dont practise or even believe in is ethical. but they are too young to have their faces shove into the real world. hopefully, when society forces them to be so, they would be sufficiently well adjusted to cope with the fact that all they had experienced is nothing but a beautiful illusion.