enigma. ambivalence. contradictions.

2007-04-12T23:39:00.000+08:00

filler

okays...i shouldnt be doing this right now. and i did say goodbye to this blog. but i was randomly trying the first two from my cousin's blog, and the answers are hilarious. cant.help.it. so here goes...
(one of those put your playlist on shuffle-waste time and do unproductive nonsense thing)

How are you feeling today? Tangled by Maroon 5
hahahahahs.. probably damn damn traumatised by the econs paper today.

Will you get far in life? Someday by Eternal
the art of answering the question by rephrasing the question :)

How do your friends see you? Teenage Wasteland by The Who
firstly, i am not a teenager. secondly, i didnt waste my time as a teenager. thirdly, i feel like i'm wasting time defending myself.

Will you get married? When the world ends by Dave Matthews
for the sake of the world, i wont!

What is your life's theme song? Stand By Me by Oasis
me being there for the people i love and people who love me!

What is the story of your life? Winter by Vanessa Carlton
cold, snowy, white?

What was high school like? Livin' La Vida Loca by Ricky Martin
it was, afterall, the best time of my life

How can you get ahead in life? We Are by Ana Johnsson
nice! means that i am ahead already. i hope.

What is tomorrow going to be like? Ever The Same by Rob Thomas
constancy is a not a bad thing.

What is the best thing about your friends? Breathe In by Lucie Silvas
"Life's too short to never know the truth | Maybe it's already here | We could throw ourselves into the fire | We could give up now and never even try" the good and the bad.

What song best describes you? Hollerback Girl by Gwen Stefani
not ever taking bullshit. frighteningly accurate

How is your life going? Can't Take My Eyes Off of You by Lauryn Hill
this is beyond my interpreting skills.

What song will play at your funeral? Lollipop by Mika
actually, the selfish bitch in me prefers people to cry during my funeral. and not sing a catchy song about "love gonna get you down"

How does the world see you? Scars by Papa Roach
i have my down days but am i that closed in and melancholic?

Will you have a happy life? Do You Only Wanna Dance by Mya
guess i will although there is always this nagging voice for me to do better.

What do your friends really think of you? I Want Your Sex by George Micheal
i am NOT going to go there.

What song describes the person you're attracted to? These Words by Natasha Bedingfield
individualistic but still capable of caring.

What message would you like to tell the next generation? The Way by Clay Aiken
that they should find someone they love and procreate so the human race survive. hahas.

Do you have a deep dark secret? Like I Love You by Justin Timberlake
all the narcissistic people out there can think about whether this applies to them!

What will I feel/think the moment I wake up tomorrow morning? Music To Watch The Girls Go By by Andy Williams
sobs! but i am not lesbian. yet.

What will be my recurrant thought/mood over the next weekend? Replacement Klllers by Chemical Brothers
feeling vengeful and destructive. hahas.. happens everyday.

2007-04-08T19:04:00.000+08:00

goodbye

no particular reason (although the track record of always doing this during the exam period would probably count as one).
after all, why must something happen before changes are made?

i will miss this place. and the questions on my sexual orientation the template generated :p
the mostly black and whiteness. the 434 posts.
recording the happy, sad, sane, crazy times.
at one point, i got pretty uncomfortable realising the number of random people who stumble across this.
but all that have been written here are highly censored. so there.

already found a new place.
but with new interface to play around with and more pressing issues like exams, i am keeping it to myself.
for now.

to those from within my inner circle, i may drop you all a mail with the new address notification when i feel like it.

to the misc strangers, i'm sure that within these two-or-so weeks of newblog construction, you'll figure out how to reach me. ask nicely and i will oblige you.

2007-04-08T18:17:00.000+08:00

gender relations

a little of consumer behaviour, a little of language, a little of all the pyscho/philo/socio stuff. ripped off -

"There is an ad for Gap on television right now. It's pretty simple: the concept is of a musical and onstage is a couple. The woman sings, "Anything you can do I can do better; I can do anything better than you" and "Anything you can wear I can wear better" etc. The guy sings the refrain, "No, you can't" throughout and, at the end, the woman pulls the pants off the guy and puts them on.

The idea is pretty simple too. The entire ad is staged around the concept of someone "wearing the pants" in the relationship. The pants in question are called the "Boyfriend trouser" and, ostensibly, by taking his pants, the woman is taking control in the relationship. That is, she is now in a position of power. This is designed, obviously, to appeal to women by empowering them symbolically.

This ad made me think of women in power – the idea of a successful woman – and how they are portrayed in ads, on television, in the media, or anywhere, actually. What strikes me as interesting is that women in power always have their power defined as their overcoming of men. Even in something as innocuous as an Archie comic, whenever masculinity and femininity clash, Betty and Veronica are always the ones with the last laugh while Archie and Reggie are shown in some humiliating position.

As a male, I used to be mildly offended that any ad on television that pitted the wits of a man against a woman always had the woman win in the end, but I realised that that was a myopic view of the situation because there are ads that portray powerful and successful men as well, but the reason I did not think of them is because they do not parallel the ads of successful, powerful women; unlike those ads, powerful men in the media are never portrayed as having overcome women. A credit card ad will have a good-looking middle-aged man lean back contentedly in his leather chair as the camera pans out to an overview of his expansive office, symbolically signifying his success and power. There is not a woman in sight.

My point is that modern societies define women as having power if they can overcome men, thus inherently acknowledging the fact that their power comes to them with respect to men and, more importantly, with respect to overcoming what is perceived as the dominant, or superior, group – men – and, because overcoming an inferior group does not display any overtly special power, men do not have to be defined as having overcome women to be portrayed as successful. Thus, based on the perception of modern society – which includes women, as women themselves buy readily into the idea that they are empowered by overcoming male obstacles – men are superior to, or dominant over, women.

Let us look at some essays exploring the idea of male and female. Deborah Tannen's "Asymmetries: Men and Women talking at Cross-Purposes" poses what is commonly called the Difference model in the study of gender and sex in language. She advocates that females interact in "a world of connections" in which "intimacy is key" and where "individuals negotiate complex networks of friendship [trying to] minimise differences, to reach consensus, and to avoid the appearance of superiority" whereas males operate in "a world of status" where "independence is key because a primary means of establishing status is telling others what to do and taking orders is a marker of low status" (214). Therefore, any asymmetrical relationship between men and women is not the result of an asymmetry in dominance but is the result of an asymmetry in ways of thinking.

The allure of this model is twofold. First of all, it propagates the idea that men and women are equal, merely different. Second, it readily explains any miscommunication between the two sexes. Tannen gives multiple anecdotes about how seemingly confounding responses in mixed-sex interactions are reducible to the basic concepts of independence and intimacy. Thus by dissecting any mixed-sex interaction with those two concepts, we are able to understand what exactly provokes a response in each sex. But is such a model tenable?

Up until now, language has been created and maintained by men. Dictionaries, the final authority on the meaning of words themselves, are perhaps the strongest definers of language. In "From discourse to dictionary: how sexist meanings are authorised", Paula Treichler says, "Dictionaries have generally excluded any sense of women as speakers, as linguistics innovators, or as definers of words... they have perpetuated the stereotypes and prejudices of writers, editors and language commentators, who are almost exclusively male (60)." The evidence of this is undeniable. In Muriel R Schulz's "The Semantic Derogation of Woman", she identifies hundreds of words which refer to women that have undergone pejoration – the act of picking up negative connotations through time – some examples being words like "hussy" which used to mean the head of a house, and "harlot", which originally meant a fellow of either sex; both words have pejorated to mean a sexually loose woman. In contrast, she could find extremely few examples of terms in reference to males that have pejorated as much, thus giving a compelling example that men have power over the shape of language.

This approach to language with the understanding that men created and control it is called the Dominance model, in which the dominant form of language and speech – "male" language – is the centre of that language and that all other permutations of that particular language – called vernaculars, which include "female" language – are deviations from the "norm". "Male" language is the impersonal, scientific and factual language of scholarship whereas "female" language is the language one would use in familiar and intimate settings. This model is the traditional model with which linguists approach this area of study. This curiously reflects the point I made earlier on women having to define their power in relation to men because "female" language, in the Dominance model, is also defined in relation to "male" language.

Watching that Gap ad was revelatory because it made me realise that it could be so that the Dominance and Difference models, rather than opposing forces, could in fact inform each other very well. Women tend to define their status in the world and their power with regards to their relationships with men whereas men eschew comparisons with women to define themselves in any way. Utilising the Dominance model, it seems pretty obvious that this indicates the perceived superiority of men as the group able to autonomously choose precisely what it wants to be without an external force and women as the inferior group that is dependent on defining itself by comparing it to something it is not. However, the Difference model suggests that women's definitions of themselves in relations to men are actually by-products of their desire to engender intimacy – they actively wish to define themselves in a relationship with someone else – and it is not that men do not need women to define themselves, but that they wish to define themselves independently.

The study of gendered linguistics would have us believe that one has to choose between the Dominance and the Difference model. We have to decide if we wish to approach this area with the idea of a dominant language in mind, and treat the other as a by-product of the first, or with the idea that men and women are merely different and all breakdowns in communication can be attributed to what Tannen calls "cross-cultural miscommunication". But as I watched that ad, it made me think about how those models – and models in general – are merely frameworks through which to look at things. They are easily understandable concepts with which we can, with comfortable authority, poke and prod into any subject matter at all. But why do we construct models? Perhaps we fear the great complexity of an irreducible chaos. We build tributaries and mills to guide and harness the raging stream and point to the results of our borrowed power and say, "We understand it now." David Lehman's poem "When a Woman Loves a Man" ends with the lines:

When a woman loves a man, she wants to stay awake.
She's like a child crying
at nightfall because she didn't want the day to end.

When a man loves a woman, he watches her sleep, thinking:
as midnight to the moon is sleep to the beloved.

A woman wants to stay awake because, desiring intimacy, the waking hours are more time to be spent together with the man she loves; but a man, loving her back, wants her to sleep so he can watch her in her sleep. Lehman's usage of the simile "as midnight to the moon is sleep to the beloved" suggests that a man believes his beloved is most beautiful when she sleeps as the moon is most beautiful in the darkest of night, piercing the darkness with its lunar glow. But what is a glow? Especially the moon's glow? It is a reflective light. The moon draws its beauty from the light it reflects from the unseen sun, but is it lesser because of this reflection? The sun does not dominate the moon – they both have their own times to govern the earth, and yet without the sun, the moon cannot be beautiful; it cannot even be seen.

The truth is that models are merely constructed perspectives which we may utilise to view phenomena. They may be elaborate and complex, but they are still just points of view and one point of view necessarily limits you to seeing only one side of something – you can never see the entirety of a sphere without changing your view by walking around it; there will always be half a sphere hidden from your eyes. But a qualitative analysis of these perspectives is needed, too. A fork can be seen as an implement with which to eat, or it could be seen as an instrument for poking out eyeballs. Regardless of what view one takes of a fork, all these perspectives share an overarching trait: that a fork is to be used to spear things. We understand that a fork is a relatively simple concept when we see that all potential views of it share very similar characteristics. However, the perspectives on men and women are complicated, the Dominance and Difference models seem to oppose each other and yet both have widespread arguments for and against them. That there can exist valid and yet contradictory perspectives on the same concept suggests to us that the concept in question is multi-faceted enough to encompass many perspectives. So we may never understand the other sex, and we may read gender and linguistics essays till we're blue in the face, but men will probably continue to misunderstand women, and women will probably continue to misunderstand men too because, beyond the crutches of models and perspectives, gender relations might just be complex enough to eternally confound."

p.s. the full poem by david lehman.
p.p.s. i need to read beyond notes, textbooks and blogs. sure, they do offer information and provide insights. but the scope is too damn bloody narrow.

2007-04-08T15:13:00.000+08:00

think different

"Here's to the crazy ones.
The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes.
The ones who see things differently.

They're not fond of rules
And they have no respect for the status quo.

You can praise them, quote them, disagree with them
disbelieve them, glorify or vilify them.

About the only thing that you can't do is ignore them.

Because they change things.
They invent. They imagine. They heal.
They explore. They create. They inspire.
They push the human race forward.

Maybe they have to be crazy.

How else can you stare at an empty canvas and see a work of art?
Or sit in silence and hear a song that's never been written?
Or gaze at a red planet and see a laboratory on wheels?

We make tools for these kinds of people.
While some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius.

Because the people who are crazy enough to think that they can
change the world, are the ones who do."

well... i have no great plans to change the world. yet there is always this possibility of changing things without intending to. so as i struggle with inner turmoils about stuff that hasnt been planned for (which drives me nuts ever so often), i'll take comfort in the fact that it's okay to be different.

2007-04-07T03:11:00.000+08:00

evaluation

if i dont get acknowledgement, i am going to charge bizcom for my efforts.
effort per se is not the problem. but i dont need to do someone else's job.

parents do have high hopes.
to be suitably comfortable, i need to makem say, 3.5k within 5 years upon graduation.
if i want to provide them with what they requested for.
seriously.not.funny. especially with my mediocre and worse grades.
why am i not born with a silver spoon? hmph!

discovering that i already possess the deposition to thrive in the field(s) of choice.
losing that bit of integrity and gaining that bit of ability to manipulate.
essentially i dont see the need to burn bridges (social circles in this country are too small anws).
plus juggling expectations and managing opinions can exercise my degenerating brain. ha.

funny, quirky, touching, real.
always managing to make me cry and laugh at the same time.
gah. i can be so crazy emotional!!

2007-04-07T01:50:00.001+08:00

avenue q

everyone's a little bit racist -
"Everyone's a little bit racist. It's true.
But everyone is just about
As racist as you!
If we all could just admit
That we are racist a little bit,
And everyone stopped being so PC
Maybe we could live in - Harmony!"

schadenfreude -
"The world needs people like you and me who've been knocked around by fate.
'Cause when people see us, they don't want to be us, and that makes them feel great.
Sure! We provide a vital service to society!"

plus the internet is for porn which only makes sense hearing the whole thing.
aveunue q is inyourface but endearing. and funny.
i wonder if they would actually have a performance here.

2007-04-06T10:33:00.000+08:00

too many memories
too many firsts
too much heart

2007-04-06T00:29:00.000+08:00

what counts

at the end of the day, no matter how we drive each other nuts, we still find something in us to like each other for who we really are. i guess that is what counts.

there are moments in life, fleeting at best, that impact on the rest of our living years. yet they arrive so quietly and move away so silently. do we ponder upon them as they stop for blink-and-you'll-miss instances? or are we left forever in their wakes?

i can be such a whack job. bless the rock who keeps me grounded and functioning semi-normally so i dont freak out most of humanity.

2007-04-03T11:18:00.000+08:00

self indulgent

emJay is right. i should slowly let the party die down. been.playing.too.much.

but really, how can i help it when i have the funTies (the almost reunion!), friends who decide to not study and take forever to eat lunch/dinner/whatever with and friends who make arrangements to meet before being physically in singapore so that hanging out takes place almost immediately after touch down?

okay.. i know i am so not going to be happylala when i see my results.

so back to the books and pray that i get distracted minimally. for two weeks. -fingers crossed-

2007-04-02T23:19:00.000+08:00

chope first

this goes out to a particular ex-prince-now-presumed-gay-due-to-interesting-wardrobe-choices mr loo:

you are to IMMEDIATELY destroy the yet unseen but (i'm sure of it) definitely unflattering photo of me. it MUST NEVER surface anywhere, especially cyberspace.

i chope here first. and remember that i'm your cutie's lover!

2007-04-02T12:31:00.001+08:00

"But the ending always comes at last,
Endings always come too fast,
They come too fast but they past too slow"

oh wells.

2007-04-01T14:15:00.000+08:00

happy faces

a tribute to all the people who made the past week an incredible one. i am pretty sure i am not violating any copyrights -fingers crossed- by posting your mugs on the www. thank you for the time, love and making me the luckiest girl around to have you!

for those who still owe me, you will be part of "happy faces" when we actually meet :p

2007-04-01T02:37:00.000+08:00

sixth

guys, you all are forgiven for paying more attention to the liverpool VS arsenal match. thanks for planning everything. thanks for getting the next best thing to giving me time. thanks for being the same ol' crappy selves despite heat exhaustion. sisters (and bong), thanks for being around despite being killed by the respective varsities.

funTies, thanks for showing me that things that matter never change. and making me feel damn blessed to still have you all in my life.

2007-03-30T16:06:00.000+08:00

top 4 probable causes of death

1. knocked down while jaywalking
2. heart attack
3. fear and shock
4. bumming around too much

doing nothing has never felt so good. deadlines still exist but they are not looming. yet.

i ought to consider investigative reporting based on ability to extract information out of nowhere. the only problem being i have a terrible memory resulting from writing minute details down too often. bah.

as for the debate between money or looks, i will still go for money. with money, you can partially buy looks. although it did strike me a min ago that with looks, you can pimp yourself to get money. but xue, i think you wont want that right? :D

2007-03-30T10:23:00.000+08:00

fifth

god, i think i have no reputation left!! now i know i bring much joy and laughter to people at the expense of myself. hahas..

i LOVE LOVE LOVE the present. mr ng, thank you for breaking the bank to finance it (and proofing that sometimes guys do listen)! biatches, thank you for contributing! from the bottom of my heart.

2007-03-29T10:56:00.000+08:00

fourth (of hopefully some more)

with hope comes pain. with expectations come disappointments. not all birthday celebrations are happy. learning to deal is but a part of life.

third (of hopefully some more)

with the most weirdly interlinked group. which makes it all the more meaningful and precious that time was taken off to celebrate with me.

2007-03-29T10:51:00.000+08:00

trooper and son,

you two are the people who make cry the most.
why do i still love the both of you so much?
gah!

2007-03-27T22:44:00.000+08:00

chris rock is HILARIOUS.

2007-03-26T23:37:00.000+08:00

i love my project group mates!

that i dont mind turning lesbian and having a thing with the girls.
and marrying the guys.

metaphorically speaking of course.

2007-03-26T22:44:00.000+08:00

hell week

they dont call it hell week for nothing.
a time when people stop eating properly, stop sleeping much.
a time when frustrations run high.
a time when the idea of quitting school keeps resounding in your brain.

how some people can make it to tertiary education and be the top (insert statistical data) percent of the population is beyond me. they are so fraking moronic - see below:
I think its a little unfair that all groups get about the same grade for the project...very much lessens motivation to do better, since effort, hard work and ability is not well rewarded and recognised...(blah blah blah complain some more)... get a "grade reward", i.e. a 2% up in the final grade.

about the same = not the same. whoever who posted this must think of the prof as extremely stupid or him/herself as extremely outperforming the cohort. either way, i hope s/he gets shot in the foot for the incredulous suggestion.

a component of consumer behaviour project.
meaning i'd better do all my remaining~~marketing~~ mods with some freaking talented animator/video editor/idea generator/(insert specific zai skill) person from now.

partially conceptualising can only bring me that far. why cant i be talented too??

2007-03-25T20:47:00.000+08:00

second (of hopefully many)

as thought of by my still-behaving-very-much-like-a-teenager mother. at this rate, i am going to put on so much weight.
btw, my little bro is damn cute. and my potential bf has to have a bod at least comparable to his. heh. no one ever said that i have attainable standards :p

2007-03-24T22:54:00.001+08:00

first (of hopefully many)

extravagant extravagant extravagant! but damn damn nice. i still dont understand why it's called fruit de mer when there is no fruit save for one lemon.

2007-03-24T00:59:00.000+08:00

breaking point

the convergence of 4 presentations, 3 reports and 1 quiz in 3 days makes this semester the worst (yet).

i am turning schizo, alternating between periods of intense hyperactivity and pindrop silence. hours upon hours of staring at a computer screen is not helping. there is also this issue of dealing with people. i cant simply disappear into a little hole and sulk. nopes. whether because society dictates or it is just part of growing up, i am still expected to be a diplomate, to possess sensitivity, to volunteer for additional shit.

the mental exhaustion.

seriously, stop feeding me the cock and bull story about how everything is equipping me for the future. if this is any indication of my future, i am finding some painless way to take my own life.

sidenote for that 5 funties: the evening brought back much memories. miss the good ol' days :(

2007-03-23T01:27:00.000+08:00

blessings counted

nothing interesting. since life now revolves around presentations, reports and GSRs.

but am thankful.
for the crazy random talkcockbelame gang.
for the company of fabulous biatches.
for chemistry within project groups and everyone pulling their weights.
for the parents' understanding about me MIA-ing from home all the time.
for my pillar of strength.
for the old ties remaining and the new ones forged.

for what doesnt kill us makes us stronger :)

2007-03-19T21:59:00.000+08:00

double standards

the ultimate birthday present and the only item on my wishlist: time

this is now a very bad time to give me problems. fine, there is technically no good times for problems but now is exceptionally bad. and i dont play nice.

god willing, status quo will never change. yet it is foolish for anyone to expect me to remain as and where i am. still, people who care will never lose me, not completely anyway.

[edit]i am in an institution where getting 9.25 out of 10 still warrants the whole group asking if the mean is 9.5. yes, this is the level of crappy competition i deal with dayindayout. thank god for friends who see the me beyond grades. then again, it is prolly cos my grades are far from being threatening to them. oh wells.

the existence of double standards. you have yours and i have mine. deal with it.

*one of the many pics i have gotten whenever i talk to cy on msn

2007-03-18T23:16:00.000+08:00

i knew i had pretty much sealed the bitch rep when parents just had to warn me thrice in two hours not to write anything that would cause people to lose their jobs. well.. if i had the flair, i would be the author of multibillion-dollar making book. plus, even though i had to deal with assholes too regularly for my liking, the difference between constructive criticisms and being plain bitchy was still very much apparent.

2007-03-18T11:21:00.000+08:00

alternate universe

exhilaration without the pain.
understanding without the sacrifices.
maybe they exist in an alternate universe.

why this weekend is unique:
waking up on both days, in different homes, to people who mean a lot. i must have muttered godknowshowmuch incomprehensible nonsense, looking the typical zombified self. the lack of self-consciousness is interesting as much as it is appalling.

it is always the simplest things that make you realise all that you have taken for granted. the simplest things that make you realise the ultimate joy comes from being accepted and loved for who you really are.

2007-03-15T10:13:00.000+08:00

diamonds

personal:
can be quite the drama queen, i admit to that. but when how i feel is dismissed, i get VERY pissed. really, it is not very difficult to be sympathetic. just stop rationalising and acknowledge. one doesnt even need a lot of words or brains to be able to do that.

it is rather pessimistic to conclude that we are all alone in this world. really, it is impossible to understand another human being. because most of the time, we are too preoccupied with agonising over our own lives and problems to give much of a fuck anyway. the whole thing about building and maintaining relationships is that there are always agendas. there is no such thing as no strings attached or "just doing it because".

and when relationships with people fail me, it once again brings to light that depending on oneself is the fundamental route to take.

professional:
in all the (slightly more than) twenty years of life, i have figured that it is risky for professional life to cross into social circle and vice versa. too much is at stake and there will be the question of where to draw the lines. it is too simplistic to think that we can compartmentalise the two.

why is this especially troubling? because i'd like to think that i'm good to work with on a professional aspect but becomes somewhat monstrous when things/people cross into the personal realm.

"Whether we fall by ambition, blood or lust, like diamonds, we are cut with our own dust." John Webster

2007-03-14T03:09:00.001+08:00

here there everywhere

with fixation over what seems to be the dearest thing of the moment, foolish actions ensue and other critical aspects of life are somewhat neglected. it is sad how people tend to disappoint. how efforts amount to little at the end of the day. but well, it is never the end of the world. nothing ever is (except the end of the world itself). we just put coping mechanisms in place and move on with our lives.

anw, here i am, a few hours before the submission of TWO case studies and happily starting on them. i need something stronger than caffeine. my brain is completely unstimulated with two cups of tea within a half an hour time frame. this reminds me of my dear ol' finance report churning which lasted for hours and hours on end.

oh yarh.. i have 4 presentations, 1 report and 1 quiz on my birthday week. what an exciting way to turn into an adult. bah.

2007-03-13T11:25:00.000+08:00

diplomacy

it entails writing emails peppered with smileys and "thanks".

when ever so often, all i want to say is:
HELLO bitches and assholes, can you hurry up and respond already? if you cant/are not interested to keep to designated deadlines, it is COMMON COURTESY to say so in the first place. because i have better things to do than to nag/plead/remind you of the things that need to be done. if you want the world to revolve around you, go find one and stop fucking up mine! thanks! :)

whoever who gets in my way today will die.

and on a rhetorical why do my posts sound so angry (i choose to answer this one): because it is much much much more painful to cry unseen tears.

2007-03-12T21:44:00.000+08:00

attempt 975673 to remain calm

jacqueline wants to run away!

and just becasue i have gone through my 17th and 18th years of life relatively unscathed and mostly happy, DO NOT FUCKING UNDERVALUE THE EFFORTS i have put in them.

funny enough, this came to mind when i made attempt 975674 to remain calm. when there is zero link to my agitated state. maybe it's the clear sky. maybe it brought to mind the breeze on that day. maybe cos this is an occasional thus more treasured view. maybe i'm already turning mad.

2007-03-12T05:24:00.000+08:00

unyielding

the compromise i didnt make attests to the fact that i am accepted and appreciated for who i am and not what i can offer. there was no question of what i would do then. it was a given but there was still the "what if". maybe i am just blessed that things worked out against the odds. more so, maybe fighting for what i believe in counts for something and working hard does pay off in this messed up world.

2007-03-11T00:36:00.000+08:00

i have black finger nails!

when i have spent most of the week holed up in one sad little room or another, trying to get my work done, why is it that nothing seems close to completion at the end of the week? this.is.depressing. it got to the point that i look at deadlines and laugh. cos they havent managed to kill me yet. and i've just had a three and a half hour meeting on a saturday night that drew zero conclusions. how lovely!

on happier notes:
i am not sick. yet. which is a miracle. i can live with looking semi-crappy.

love the crazy unpredictable one! things are moving along this strange route but i am not complaining since i get nice little surprises. reaffirmations are always treasured. and yes, i acknowledge the sad fact that i am going to be an adult soon. but i like pracing around like a little girl once in a while.

i think i am not making sense right now. so i shall stop.

2007-03-10T09:50:00.000+08:00

dissent

policy makers dont think and make me wonder how they get to where they are today.

case one to point: a penalty is imposed in company XYZ on employees who signed up for D&D and failed to show up. make sense to the point of imposing this same penalty on people who are sick and on medical leave. so yes, if i am sick and puking my guts out, i still have to attend the company's function or else i would have to pay an additional $85 for the bloody dinner even though the doctor have certified that i am too ill to work. fucking ridiculous. i need someone to enlighten me on MOM laws with regards to this senseless treatment. btw, i can foresee my parents hating me for possibly joining the industry they completely resent. hooray!

case two to point: unblocking fee for the ez-link card. we have to pay to unblock something we already possess so that we can use it. but isnt the card paid for alr? there has to be some logic behind a profit maximising notion. but i see none. other than profit maximising for its sake. and the joke of it all is that this is for a public transportation system. fucking ridiculous.

[edit]
case three to point: on some fanciful LTA booklet - "Full-day bus lanes will be useful to a significant number of buses, which are more efficient carriers of passengers compared to private transport. Motorists will benefit too if more people (including motorists) take buses, because they are moving more quickly, and overall, all trips will be smoother!" i quoted and unquoted directly. it sounds as if it has been written by a primary 3 student. wait! that is an insult to the p3 kid. what convoluted logic! then again, what logic? i cant believe this can actually be printed to be read. fucking ridiculous.

i feel ashamed to be a singaporean.

2007-03-10T01:03:00.000+08:00

can miles truly separate us from friends? if we want to be with someone we love, aren't we there already?

~richard bach

2007-03-09T09:51:00.000+08:00

being there

it is my very nature to articulate. and it does make me wonder occasionally if words begin to lose their meanings if they are repeated too often. but there is no zero sum relationship between saying and feeling. funny how we keep within the confines of codes imposed on us by society. it is never about being deviant for deviance sake. it is about doing the things that matter to you even if frown upon by most.

i guess i just want to say "i love you" to the two guys. whom i somehow know will read this. for accepting me for who i am and never judging. for sticking by despite the disappearance of the crazylala optimistic aspects of me. for trying to make me laugh when i cry. for the times flying by when time is spent together. for remembering me during wee hours in the morning. for touching my heart in ways i will never forget. for being the darling and the dearie, just the way they are.

one day, when they find the girls of their dreams, they may have to walk away. after all, the silly rules in society make people doubt whether platonism or fragments of platonism exist. i will then look back on the faith, loyalty and friendships we share. and how their presence in my life changed me in more ways they can imagine.

2007-03-09T01:47:00.001+08:00

things i am good at

sleeping
watching tv
procrastinating
being paranoid
getting lost
doing the melodrama "i am dying!!!" thing
helping to flatten the bell curve with my horrible grades
being in people's faces and intimidating them
nitpicking on grammatically incorrect stuff
appearing to hardworking/effecient/hiong
pretending that i am making a huge contribution to mankind

and of course, constructing blog posts out of nothing.

wanted to put this a long time ago. guess where and for what.

2007-03-08T17:32:00.000+08:00

battles

Cause I want nothing more than to sit | Outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing | Is where I want to be

we fight battles every day. petty arguments, varied negotiations. then once in a while, life is moving along rather placidly when bombshells are dropped and we suddenly need to arm ourselves for the critical moments that are to come. if one's life is too intricately tied to another; be it family, friend or colleague, his battles end up becoming part of yours. being the aggressive okayletsfight person, i need to remember to take a step back from the battles that are technically not mine. standing back to watch debris raining down is difficult. collateral damage? hell, i will screw the people who cause me to become part of it.

however, i am trying to walk to the opposite side of the battlefield today. never ceasing to root for the one in it but also not constantly reiterating the fact that the battle has commenced (although unintentionally). no matter what promises have been made, we all know that no one walks out of the battlefield the same person who walked in. and not stepping into the zone means that i wont witness how the wounds result.

definitely a risky undertaking and i dont like it. but in view of the secrets shared and journey thus far, i guess i can have a little faith to walk to the other side. and i keep my fingers crossed that the wars will be over as quickly and as painlessly as possible.

cos maybe, even if everything changes at the end of the battles, people will emerge stronger individually and also be stronger together.

2007-03-08T00:04:00.000+08:00

this is a BIG SHOUTOUT to all the voyeurs out there!
dont think i not know that you are reading this.
there are no secrets in cyberspace. muhahaha...
makes me wonder how much i am revealing myself to complete strangers.

will i become less pig-headed and encrypt this blog?

2007-03-07T19:22:00.000+08:00

speechless

even with my cantshutupwhenioughtto nature, i was at a loss of words so many times today. i can allude to the fact that my brain and body are shutting down. but more so due to the fact that each and every one of their problems are much bigger than mine. they attempt to cope in different ways - one cried, one got angry and another decided to embark on a alternate path.

i'd like to believe that humans beings always figure something out. after all, we survived 2000 years of evolution, wars, disasters and change to be where we are today. yet in the midst of crises, we feel that our whole world collaspe. i dont know what to say to make things better. because words are not going to magically alter situations and make problems disappear. but i will surface from my own crushing pile of responsibilties and be there in small ways.

and hope that the worst will be over soon.

2007-03-06T23:56:00.000+08:00

history repeating

.. i've seen it all before and i'm seeing it all again...

for a person who is mostly in her own little world, i surprise myself on occasions when i am in heightened states of awareness. i will probably never understand the rationale and the motivation. i will probably put one foot in and get myself into trouble (always managing to do that). i promised to keep my mouth shut with regards to certain issues and i have to fulfil my end of the bargain to ensure cosmic balance. yet i am so damn tempted to break the silence.

and if anything, i've learnt never to believe anything i see or hear. because the life you are living could be a farce for all you know.

are we just pawns of destiny? i watch history repeats itself again. i wonder how many times i will witness it this lifetime.

2007-03-06T01:22:00.000+08:00

!WARNING! graphic post

even though i can be quite the sadistic freak of nature, this is with regards to 300. i am still in most cases... erms.. cultured.

i didnt quite get the overt show of breasts. yes, granted, they are nice looking breasts. but nice looking breasts of 10 or so people in various scenes is IMOH unnecessary. plus once you started thinking "oh, they're just another pair of breasts", whatever contribution they are supposed to make to the storyline is lost.

i love the beheading scenes. not entirely realistic but wonderfully done. plus the subtle poignancy can be felt.

must catch for those who like epic-ish movies. due to the larger than life-ness, sin city, with fundamentally flawed characters, still wins. the context of why i ended watching is kinda weird and singaporean enterprises should stop trying to freeze all the people to death. which is partially why i am going to watch it again properly. it was enjoyable all the same.

2007-03-04T12:36:00.000+08:00

those were the days

"I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes

...I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you"

how does one demarcate boundaries which have been crossed ages ago?
sometimes, the love-hate aspect of it all kills me.

2007-03-04T01:55:00.000+08:00

inevitable

"it was fear, really, fear that an irrevocable change had just been set in motion, that new people and new events would start to matter... more..."

somehow the march committee seems to have been disbanded. ms soh mentioned that it is due to the crazy semester. which is true. but it is all too easy - crazy semester, other commitments, school work and everything else. and then people start to drift apart. i guess it is part and parcel of life. not liking it but having to accept it.

i am just grateful that once in a while, on occasions like birthdays and whats not, we remember each others' existence and make it a point to keep in touch. even if the encounters are short and the conversations barely dive beneath the surface.

after all, we have to change what we cant accept and accept what we cant change.

2007-03-03T16:01:00.001+08:00

reason 1693 why i am a boring person:
official school days = smoo = slavery to the system
so called non school days = mostly still smoo. if else trying to clear the backlog of smoo related work = more slavery

but i am not going to complain too much. i have had enough of drama in life for a while. predictablity and plain old mundaness should serve me well.

2007-03-03T01:36:00.000+08:00

"The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become."

Charles DuBois

p.s. you know you have a rocking hot mother when you have to raid her wardrobe to be more fashion forward. problem being she's smaller built than me. now i think 26 is a good age to give birth.

2007-03-01T23:18:00.000+08:00

in pouring rain

"Send someone to love me | I need to rest in arms | Keep me safe from harm | In pouring rain
Give me endless summer | Lord I fear the cold | Feel I'm getting old | Before my time
As my soul heals the shame | I will grow through this pain"

keeping fingers crossed that i accumulated enough karmatic energy to find bro's stuff which i lost.

today, i realised that i am able to put aside lack of sleep, bitchiness and personal crisis to care for complete strangers. which is why my professional life and private life should always be kept separated.

i wonder if being artifically motivated and chirpy to tell kids things i dont practise or even believe in is ethical. but they are too young to have their faces shove into the real world. hopefully, when society forces them to be so, they would be sufficiently well adjusted to cope with the fact that all they had experienced is nothing but a beautiful illusion.

2007-02-27T23:42:00.000+08:00

fucking self-centred. so?

"Highly motivated persuasion means that Jacqueline intends to assertively, even aggressively, make direct personal contact with others, orally project a message with the deliberate intent and attempt to cause the listener or listeners to hear what is said, accept what is said, and act on what was said, so Jacqueline can close the deal... But if Jacqueline is defending and/or championing the cause of the underdog or the less fortunate, then it will seem as if some modern-day Don Quixote and/or Joan of Arc are doing the persuading." so says the MAPP.

meaning that i am relentless. on the issues i see a point to fight in. funny enough, the same assessment mentioned that i have a motivation to help other people and derive personal satisfaction from doing so. ha.. i think i'm just using Cialdini's ploy of reciprocity in persuasion.

can someone spell b.i.t.c.h?

2007-02-26T22:03:00.000+08:00

a tribute

i ought to be studying for my exam. instead, i recalled and dug up the precious things i receieved eleven months back.
and i realised i didnt articulate (enough) then how much they meant to me. so this is a tribute to all those who made me the luckiest girl alive and to tell you all i love you all back!

from the quote book:
"Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; not conforming to standards of thought, speech and action derived by the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad by officials destitute of evidence that they themselves are sane."

"Being a woman is a terribly difficult task since it consists principally in dealing with men."

from the attached document:
“A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. So smile more!”
"The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple."
"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow."

from the devil's dictionary:
"Age, n. That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we still cherish by reviling those that we have no longer the enterprise to commit."

from the calendar:
"the cock croweth but the hen delivereth the goods."

the people this is goes to:
4 girls, 3 dates, 2 countries, 1 crazy comm.
and the young innocent things that always need to catch the last bus/train back!

2007-02-24T23:04:00.000+08:00

great, memorable plus emmy nominated opening theme.
boyish looking cute guy in uniform.
military linked plot.
it is a drool worthy buffet of the things i like.

so why on earth have i never watched a single episode of JAG? it has suddenly occured to me that this is one of those late night tv shows my parents used to watch (late night in the past means over 10pm). well.. the amazing technological advancements (aka tv, cable and dvr) shout that i should start searching for the re-runs and begin salivating over david james elliott soon.

2007-02-24T22:10:00.000+08:00

searching my soul

"I've been searchin my soul tonight
I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine a light
To find my way back home"

not even close to figuring out the world and dont pretend that i have. neither am that innocent sheltered angel who thinks that everything is fluffy, sweet and wonderful. i would think i possess sufficient cynicism to not be fooled too much. it does occur to me that i can be a little less aggressive, a little more obliging to make my life a little easier. after a while, i get kinda tired of having to clear the misunderstandings of the true intentions behind my actions that i think i ought to be... well... less volatile.

there are always distractors and people who hate my guts. there are always also real friends who stick by despite seeing the most horrible, bitchy and intolerable sides of me. seeing how i havent screwed up much of living yet, i think i will still pretty much be this combustible thing who drives people nuts.

havent decided if it is a good or bad thing to not be treated as a girl (in most cases) due to my personality though.

sidenote #1: when you make use of whatever unscrupulous ways to get what you want, would you admit that you are humanly imperfect and move on with life? or would you choose to put yourself on a supposed untouchable pesdestal and hope to stay there forever?

sidenote #2: hate IE. but love my IE babes. for the hardwork. for having to sit through my exclamations. for the crazy number of hours spent together doing the same thing. for our ability to scare all the guys in bizcom :p still, we ought to impose quotas on our collaboration for we would want to have lives outside GSRs yarh?

2007-02-24T01:12:00.000+08:00

why bother waiting?
why not quash?
why leave room for error?
why keep information?
why maintain silence?

it is actually more interesting to have and not use.
to witness the extent of human deceit and illusions.
to watch downwards spirals which i can easily stop.
and therein lies true power.

because even giants fall from beanstalks :)

being nice pays off in some occasions.
being smart and real pay off in all of them.

2007-02-21T23:40:00.000+08:00

got them all today for just being me.
people who love me rocks!
cos they actually moved beyond just tolerating me.

reason #87 why i'm not getting a boyfriend anytime soon:
guys trashtalk with subtle honesty in front of me too much.
negative info overload. ha.

2007-02-21T11:08:00.000+08:00

pretend non-existence

due to my surface area and volume, i would think it is pretty difficult to pretend that i dont exist. but IT IS POSSIBLE. i was sidestepped, backfaced and ignored. if it wasnt for the fact that the door was opened for me, i would be inclined to believe that i somehow turned invisible in a mere three hours.

too much persistence is sometimes bad. i got what i wanted partially but at an unexpected cost.
and i was partially at fault in this so i will only feel partially guilty.

interesting enough, i was still offered bus fare, managed to borrow an ezlink card and receieved something that is more of a want than a need from the person i was fighting with.

which made me want to shout: point proven! can we get past this ridiculous nonsense already?
but i do know when to keep my mouth shut. once in a while.
as with all previous promises made, we will be okay. eventually. when someone gets over the being-pissed-off state of being.

the first physical exertion being paintball after godknowshowlong of inactivity is not something to be attempted. results: dozen headshots, another couple of shots at the fingers, one shot in the bum, inability to breathe properly for quite a while, A VERY BROKE me and a body that feels like it has been run over by a truck.

one comment struck me. and i realised i was the outlier who never played the game as a staff. i never felt out of place as making small talk is afterall essential in my field. and i am glad to be still included. which is probably why i miss being part of it.

it takes so much efforts to maintain ties, but days like yesterday made me feel that efforts should be made.

2007-02-19T18:25:00.000+08:00

figure itself out

most of us are going to sell our souls to the companies we would eventually work for. but instead of maximising the remaining freedom left, we are making sure that our souls would be sold to the highest bidder. how idiotic.

as we near death, are we going to remember the number of As we got? or the number of zeroes on our paychecks? i wont. what i see myself recalling are the seemingly pointless and puerile things. the conversations with family and friends, the meals had together, the hours spent wandering around aimlessly, the zoning in front of the tv/movie screens, the holiday trips. the laughter and tears shared, the hugs given and receieved, the hands held.

so as many start looking for jobs to earn enough for that house/car/wedding/holiday; or making vows to that special someone to spend the rest of their lives together, i am not quite ready yet. not ready to embark on the path of a successful career. not ready to give up the privilege of leeching on my parents. not ready to take up adult responsibilities. not ready to find anyone to pledge my undying love and commitment to. not ready to stop being the child i still feel i am.

for as long as i can, i want to love and hate freely. live in the present instead of for the future. and let my life figure itself out.

maybe i just have a thing for choir. or maybe i have a thing for adorable blond-haired children. maybe continuous bombarding does have an effect (i hear the song at least 10 times while doing this for MR). and i thought i possess sufficient healthy cynicism not to be touched by ads.

2007-02-18T22:30:00.000+08:00

why blog cryptically

but first, why blog? some would say that it allows them to access to a large network of people, friends and family whom they otherwise would not be able to catch up with. honestly, do i think those in my life would have the time and energy to read the amount of verbal diarrhoea i churn on an almost daily basis? nope.

the reason behind is way more narcissist. it depicts MY world, MY thoughts, MY feelings, MY life. it is empowering to know that someone on the other side of this screen is hanging onto the words i say (so what if it constitutes a small fragment of entirety?) i mean all that i say on this blog. even if that emotion/cognition only lasts for a moment. because that moment in time, as i am living it, is all that matters to me then (and maybe now). but the point is, i put it on because i want you to read it. whether you are a friend, a foe or someone i will never meet.

so why cryptic? because while i am okay with telling the world certain things, i wont know for sure the people who experience them with me would appreciate the fact that all is published. more importantly, we live on a planet that is big brother-ish as it is. i dont need another avenue for people to snoop around my life. so i see it as a way to exercise control over people finding out what i want them to find. p.s. i respect people who post beentheredonethat entries. because i always think they leave open floodgates for bitebacks in the arse.

if someone can connect the dots - link my blog entries to reality, this person would be able to gain great insights about my life. and if this same someone manages to find my other secret blog which is not known to anyone, then i can be blackmailed forever. so if someone who is reading this does succeed in the former or the latter (or both. the horrors!), do remember to let me know so that i can prepare money of whathaveyous.

meanwhile, enjoy the words :)

-enigmatically yours

2007-02-18T15:28:00.000+08:00

consumerism

loreal, british airways, singapore airlines, canada dry, PSA, reebok, tcc.
and who can forget the wonderful MFA and ATC of the EU-China textile issues?

what public holidays? what midterm break?

my laptop will start overheating.
even then i wont have legitimate excuse not to look closely into the bloody effects of consumerism.

honestly, why do we bother figuring out the only half rational behaviour of other human beings anw? sheesh!

2007-02-17T17:46:00.001+08:00

heaps of unmentioned gratitude

making my school related problems yours but still indulging to help me with them. dinner/supper after rushing to get things done. the no holds barred conversations about everything under the sun. doing respective work even though we are supposed to be hanging out. never seen before more than ten-year-old spectacles. genuine understanding. staring at the ceiling and talking about death, growing old and degenerating body parts. laughing at my inability to process information and my stealing your iTunes music. offering to elevate my pseudo orphan status during this period. holding my hand (and goddamn heavy laptop) before finally sending me off on my way. being my rock and an incredible friend.

i was dethroned...
from being the ultimate jaywalker in my life.
when i lamented that he ought to tell me that we are making our way across the road (in the most dangerous fashion ever), he said immediately and matter of factly, "We're crossing the road." yeap.. i cant see the fact that i was risking my life by standing in the middle of it already. i was divided between hitting him and laughing.

not so related thought:
Because we are crazy enough to want to manipulate but end up being manipulated.
So irritatingly human.

2007-02-16T00:11:00.001+08:00

exposé, ONS and flings

exposé: a public exposure or revelation, as of something discreditable
for "gunning down the whole society's warped views", i am actually damn flattered. okay so i am a sucker for compliments but i doubt it is everyday that bluntness and "wham. in your face." are appreciated. there are occasions that people read too much in my posts. then there are occasions they do and they turn out to be right :)

for asking me out to drink when i barely began my meeting.
for having to throng the malls cos NO WHERE sells alcohol even though we are willing to pay.
for sitting in the middle of nowhere; talking about work, school and parents who still think we are innocent little girls.
for trying to convince me to fall in love with one of my closest guy friends.
for picturing me having a ONS with him since the above would never happen and actually articulating that.
for conversations about flings as if we are the only people walking down the road.
for daring me to have a ONS (of course he must be a caucasian no less) in one month from now to conceding with giving me an extra year or so as long as i provide video evidence of doing so.
for being such a screwed up biatch.
for being such a crazy wonderful friend.
ms wan, i am not cryptic this time!

2007-02-14T21:10:00.000+08:00

fundamentals

insightful and emotionally satisfying
the cards were all laid.
mankind, yes, every single one of us, is selfish.

greater understanding.

huge chasm in the way things are perceived but loyalty and care prevail.
perhaps i'm only trying to prove a point that i can be more than the ordinary.
or perhaps it is really an act of selflessness that i wasnt previously aware of.

impossibility to cut the ties.

i can always skip around and burst bubbles effortlessly.
i have long wielded this power.
but i shall let others figure out their lives

after all, it is fundamentally the same.
we are fundamentally the same.

it was fun to be in that fantastical little world.
where all is angelic and beautiful.
and unreal.
for me, the truth hurts yet the truth shall make us free.
and in some sorta warped way, we are indeed free.

2007-02-14T00:41:00.000+08:00

all the same

I don't mind where you come from
As long as you come to me
I don't like illusions I can't see
Them clearly

I don't care, no I wouldn't dare
To fix the twist in you
You've shown me eventually
What you'll do

I don't mind
I don't care
As long as you're here

Chorus:
Go ahead tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same

Hours slide and days go by
Till you decide to come
And in between it always seems too long
All of a sudden

And I have the skill, yeah I have the will
To breathe you in while I can
However long you stay
Is all that I am

I don't mind
I don't care
As long as you're here

Chorus

Wrong or right
Black or white
If I close my eyes
It's all the same

In my life
The compromise
I close my eyes
It's all the same

for all its commercialisation and my lack of dates all these years, i am still happy on valentine's day.
because love, in all its manifestations, will always be the guiding force in our lives :D

2007-02-13T23:23:00.000+08:00

seeing

survived the most horrible part of this half of semester! yay!

in my possession for a sorry 3.5 days. anw, having the ability to make internet purchases is a BAD thing. very expensive way of deriving pleasure from shopping. shall stop.

i see better now. because i refuse to let questions remain unanswered. i'm glad for my inyourfaceness and all the opportunities to figure things out. and my lack of delusions. maybe one day i will write a book and help people understand :)

2007-02-13T10:55:00.000+08:00

"Well, hit my feet, it's time to hit the streets
And get my life back together again
Well, this place is all a masquerade
So tell me where in line can I cut in?"

you know the times you spend running and running around in circles thinking that if you run fast enough or long enough, you can eventually reach some form of finishing line? dont! ever believe that to be true. you will just end up beyond exhausted. sure, you learn how to run better, faster. but nothing is without its costs.

seriously i ought to re-evaluate my doingcosidontwanttoregret philosophy. i doubt that sitting on the sidelines watching other people run is that bad an option. yet slowing down now means feeling the acute pain of the lactic acid buildup. bah!

but i guess i will start to pace. as for all the needless circlings done, at least they have made me a healthier individual.

2007-02-11T02:08:00.000+08:00

a couple of hours from now, i am going to embark on this huge race against time. and attempt to preserve brain cells in the process. hooray for deranged professors who hold examinations on sunday. and their collusion of making students fail for holding them one after another.

thank goodness for sweet girlfriends who fight for my welfare even though i am in that particular department, helpful guy friends who decide to coach me over the phone seeing how hopeless i am at anything OPIM, old buddies who remember my existence despite my marriage to school and finally the dad and aunt who are terribly convinced that i would starve to death cos they are abandoning me during cny.

i'm counting the little things to keep myself sane.

2007-02-10T18:54:00.000+08:00

love\hate relationships

"Ure better than that." i hate the way he easily guilt trips me into not giving up.

emails after emails after emails. i hate the way the exco people are so efficient even as everyone is in the midst of prepping for exams.

the songs and misc files sent to cheer me up. i hate the way you always step into my world at the correct times and profoundly touch me to the point of tears. makes me wonder why i love you but never quite fall in love with you.

it is damn difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you are in the middle of it. the only option remains is to hold onto the hope that it is not all in vain. even if the eventual results are less than optimal, they are still sufficient to give that additional edge which makes all the struggle worth going through.

2007-02-08T23:06:00.000+08:00

replaced

this. is. fucking. scary.
The human brain has no department full of programming cells that configure the mind. Rather, brain cells program themselves simply by being used. Likewise, our questions program the Machine to answer questions. We think we are merely wasting time when we surf mindlessly or blog an item, but each time we click a link we strengthen a node somewhere in the Web OS, thereby programming the Machine by using it.

The more we teach this megacomputer, the more it will assume responsibility for our knowing. It will become our memory. Then it will become our identity. And maybe one day, it will become us.

From this embryonic neural net was born a collaborative interface for our civilization, a sensing, cognitive device with power that exceeded any previous invention. The Machine provided a new way of thinking (perfect search, total recall) and a new mind for an old species. It was the Beginning.

italics words are extracts from the article linked below (see what i am doing still...)
call me paranoid, but i am not prepared to be replaced by the very Machine i helped create.

2007-02-08T12:19:00.000+08:00

the machine is us/ing us

and we thought that we were free.

"We need to rethink
a few things...

Copyright
Authorship
Identity
Ethics
Aesthetics
Rhetorics
Governance
Privacy
Commerce
Love
Family
Ourselves" ~Michael Wesch, Cultural Anthropology Professor

possible alternative career choices:
secretary - notes, transcripting, filing and all the other anal admin shit.
intelligence agent aka spy - considering the amount of information i gather using limited mental capacity and simple technology, i can just imagine the damage i do if i am trained. damn amazing larh :p

2007-02-07T23:33:00.000+08:00

won't be fooled again

a damn cool song. first, it is the theme of one of my favouritest serials on tv. then, it was significant in one House episode. plus anything that is almost 30 years old but still sounds fraking good now can only be classified as such.

"We'll be fighting in the streets
With our children at our feet
And the morals that they worship will be gone
And the men who spurred us on
Sit in judgement of all wrong
They decide and the shotgun sings the song

I'll tip my hat to the new constitution
Take a bow for the new revolution
Smile and grin at the change all around
Pick up my guitar and play
Just like yesterday
Then I'll get on my knees and pray
We don't get fooled again"

speaking of which, things seem to be getting worse. and one would think that being longer in the system equate to better ability to cope. being slammed left right up down centre is not fun at all. and even though i have 3 midterms papers on 3 consecutive days (none studied at this point in time), i have yet to panic. mix of being indifferent, jaded and realising that panic wont do myself any good.

beginning to scare myself. it wasnt all that long ago when certain issues proved to be ethical and moral dilemmas. but now they dont seem to have great impacts on me. and there i have professors being seriously concerned that such things no longer bother my generation. perhaps what parents have been so worried about is coming true. to what extent am i prepared to go to advance my goals? to how far am i willing to compromise trust and integrity? does winning justify its means? should i do the right thing or the smart thing?

a little misrepresentation wont hurt. a little lie wont kill. and all with very valid reasons. i can foresee myself using them as justifications. what a delicate division - marketing and hr. one with loads of fluff, creating perceived starvation and endless wants. another supposed to be concerned with welfare and goodwill. we are eventually expected to be somewhat schizophrenic; to juggle thousands of balls while maintaining ever approachable smiles. both personally and professionally

not willing to suffer fools. not taking bullshit. but still selling my soul. can i handle it?

totally off point: when you pay almost USD60 for shipping, you can actually see how the package travels halfway across the globe to you. super exorbitant but hyper exciting!

2007-02-05T23:43:00.000+08:00

i have never really been away from home for prolonged periods. so even homesickness is more of those temporal feelings.

just in one of those nostalgic moods and this song reminds me of the time when i heard it being played in my ipod as the plane was landing and ended the moment wheels hit the tarmac. stretching it to say that that was a life defining moment though it did feel as such then and didnt quite diminish every time i hear the song again.

guess this goes towards my current three homes away from (real) home.
one where i grew up in, which sheltered me from all the storms of reality.
one where i spend most of my time now at, finally realising the brutality of paper chase and the greyness of the world.
one where it wont ever be legitimately disclosed but is where i can let my guard down, put away all facades and just be fallibly human.

2007-02-05T17:00:00.000+08:00

die(s) hard and harder

i still attempt to figure out the mysteries in life, knowing the likelihood of getting any form of answer is minimal. it is just innate in my nature to do so and force people to confront the ugly

tried to quantify with no conclusive result. at the end of the day, i wonder what i'm trying to preserve. myself? friendship? dignity? respect? memories? what? one cant shy away from the truth. but when one is unsure about the truth, then what constitutes shying away? and how much sympathy should i accord the people who have hurt me, for them remaining in their cycles of delusions?

we all want to believe it doesnt matter. but it does.

on a happier note, it is damn fun to watch cheesy action movies. like die hard and die harder. you know the action hero will always survive and a quarter (or more) of the plot defies logic but still watch them anyway. human beings are weird.

2007-02-05T16:46:00.000+08:00

answer to picture post

you guys are rather accurate guessers.
the correct answer is spaghetti alio con funghi.
or thereabout. thereabout cos i ate this one month plus back in a notverycheap restaurant in hk and cant remember the exact arrangement of words.

they managed to fuse east and west together in this not-exactly-fabulous-but-not-entirely-bad-fashion for all that was on the menu. just imagine my horror when the waitress brought over this semi-black plate of pasta. it is the pc to be open to other cultures but i have certain mental pictures when it comes to certain foods. i wonder what the italians would say.

as for playing this more often, i need to find not blatantly obvious but not too difficult to guess pictures first. however, all are welcomed to submit suggestions for fun and games. who knows, i may even start this point system thing when responses are sufficient :)

2007-02-04T10:14:00.000+08:00

get between

i have this amazing ability to get between and i guess i could take it as a compliment. in some sorta warped, psychotic way, it is indeed quite flattering. but really, it is a bad record to start. i am not going to live with that. and it's not because i'm hugely magnanimous or that i dont believe in fighting. i just dont see the point or value.

despite all, what remains is respect. respect of them as friends. respect for the affection they have. sure, there will be a part of me hoping for reciprocation. if only life is so simple. someday in time as situations manifest, i will cry. part cos im sad that it is not me who has found the blissful start. more importantly, they will be tears of peace and gladness for the happiness rightfully deserved found.

which is why even if i can, i wont. perhaps this is all just an attempt to elevate myself up the morality high ground. perhaps for all my me-centric-ness, there is still a part that gives a damn about others even if i think they dont earn my generosity.

i doubt i'll ever be sweet, graceful or nice. i'll always be that inyourface bitch who refuses to keep her opinions to herself (unless it is to prevent wars or something of equivalent proportion) and remain very hard to live with. but it is these attributes that allow me to see people as they are. at their basest. no superficial facades, no polite niceties. just what is real. and i'd rather have that than live in perfect lies.

sidenote: i've been so caught up in my sad existence that i no longer blog semi-intellectual/humorous/sarcastic. bloody.

2007-02-03T20:38:00.000+08:00

i will reward whoever who can accurately guess what this is.

2007-02-03T11:36:00.000+08:00

confirm plus chop

if i turn into a sully, complaining bitch in the next couple of weeks, i seek everybody's understanding and forgiveness. i foresee myself alternating between adrenaline pumping highs and disgusting lows. because stress level is currently up the neck and will only go higher.

why so?

well... i only have 4 midterms, 2 project proposals, 1 research assignment and 1 report due. with not a single one worked on as yet. and a number of people i love are flying off for school/holidays which translates to loads of gatherings i have/want to go.

hows?

this time, confirm plus chop die lorh.

2007-02-02T03:06:00.000+08:00

guilt

(a). Remorseful awareness of having done something wrong.
(b). Self-reproach for supposed inadequacy or wrongdoing.

funny how my mere existence can trigger guilty conscience.
funny how i built up defenses that "sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me".
funny how for all the already dead brain cells, i am still not that big an idiot.

dont do things to hurt people.
one may think the victory is obtained, not knowing that the shot is aimed at one's own foot.
because one day, the hidden will surface and illusions shatter.
and because i dont bite now doesnt mean i will not sharpen the fangs and wait for the perfect opportunity to strike.

it is folly to think that anyone can love you more than you love yourself. we are all just selfish bastards who are too self-indulgent to admit that fact.

2007-01-31T16:34:00.000+08:00

inanimate

i love my rock. for making additional efforts no matter how irritating i get. or how busy he is.
my brain cells are dying. i can feel that i am becoming stupid already.
damn.

2007-01-30T15:36:00.000+08:00

personal ad

2 boutiques, tried on 7 pairs of shoes, walked out with 2.
all in 25 minutes.

honestly, i think i can throw together an outfit for a gala, hyper formal event in 3 hours from scratch.
and thrive as a personal shopper.

any one interested to hire me?

2007-01-30T13:13:00.000+08:00

PR and PC

it is fallacious to assume that true friendships cant be built at this level. yes, we have yet to stand the test of time but the sincerity can be felt. even if one particular lee said that "we will just exclude you" and one particular tham mentioned for me to sip water. in the future when they all become financial hotshots and can afford to throw money in my face. speaking of it, i might as well start drawing up a leeching plan. ha.

still, the PR and PCness of the environment in general make me want to puke. even after all these while.

welcome to the real world.

2007-01-29T00:45:00.000+08:00

delirious

i am damn fucking proud of myself.

for coming up with a most unique (yet) greeting card.
for the only 3 chapters of readings done. rather satisfactory considering my weekend was spent running around.
for participating in the almost completion of consumer behaviour case study.
for squeezing in a 20min lunch with the parents.
for deciding that most of my group mates are more ontheball than me.
for finally going for someone's club event at swissotel (choc buffet!).
for realising that i can hold a captive audience of an entire table (so i suck in communicating in school but i am pretty much okay for the rest of the world. phew.)
for rushing through but still making enough sense of the biz processes stupid anal shit thing people call a case study.

despite the suffocating work load, i managed to not neglect mum and dad and met up with two loves of my life in the past 48 hours. so i rock!

absolutely delirious from sugar overload and pain.

2007-01-27T18:17:00.000+08:00

the double life

always getting the shortest end.
but upon listening closely and observing intently, i began to see that obscure connection, that unique glimmer which have been present and cannot be taken away.

and maybe, just maybe; it is already sufficient.

btw, the best thing about interviewing a friend is the ability to hit the pause button as and when. and having my horrible grammar in interview notes corrected. i know i should feel bad for always depending on one and the same person for HR related stuff. but it is all so convenient, taken for granted and fun. plus we owe each other so much that it becomes impossible to tell who owes who. hahas... i cant believe that has become a good thing.

2007-01-27T09:46:00.001+08:00

in hope

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.

two of those cliche little things people circulate in chain mails.

daddy once said that i exude enough negativity/extremeness to kill the surrounding people. maybe after all that has been said and done in my life so far, i do. but i still want to believe.

2007-01-27T00:48:00.000+08:00

the memorable first.
it's finally over!
and now i'm tasked with bits of internal post event PLUS external post event.
what are you to do without slave driving bosses?

2007-01-26T11:15:00.000+08:00

unflinching

i wish i am unflinching. that i am not scared. that i do not lack resolve. at times, i hate the fact that i am merely mortal and hope for some fairy to fly by and sprinkle magic dust on me.

putting others above myself is hard to do. because i am inherently a selfish person. because it makes me open to attacks from disappointment and waves of overwhelming emotions. understanding. so easily said. i dont want to understand and just want things to happen the way i want them to. yet promises have been made. if only i rule the world.

perhaps i'm silly to believe. stupid even. perhaps i should grow to accept that everything is relative and no longer take anything at face value. once in a while, i wish for the horrendous jerk aspect to surface so hate and contempt can manifest and i just learn to skip away. yet somehow, it has always been the adorable arse aspect that remains and i give in.

not being able to put a tangible value is somewhat interesting. at the back of my mind, i wonder: for what point really? yet i'm so merely mortal that irrationality still prevails. having an aggressive nature doesnt mean i pick fights for the sake of it. things have been resolved in the shortest time yet. both saw the pointlessness in fighting. and took efforts to prevent things from escalating. i never doubted that a little part of us feel that such efforts are too much at times. all the same, i am glad that we are holding on even if it's at times barely by the nails.

and i still wish i am unflinching. so i will stop being bothered and caring so much.

2007-01-24T10:16:00.000+08:00

six weeks of work for two days.
keeping fingers crossed that all goes fine.

[edit @ 2355: shits. i keep discovering new and so-called justifiable means of throwing my money away. and feel damn happy as i do so. argh!! i need to grow cash!]

2007-01-23T11:17:00.000+08:00

never forget

when i feel so darn overwhelmed, it is difficult to envision anything more than the short-term. much less success and fame in the future. "when you become famous, dont forget me," said by one who has been helping me walk through this trying time period. perhaps i sometimes show that i push ahead too much. who doesnt want to be better in life?

this is not the first time the topic has been brought up. of differing paths changing the relationship. yet our paths didnt quite converge in the first place and in small little ways, we are still holding onto that fragment of temporal intersection. perhaps one day, we will return to respective realities and never step into this shared short-lived fantasy again. even if that day comes, memories have been carefully encapsulated and will be held on forever.

one day, i will be okay. coping with instead of enduring all the stress and expectations. for now, i'm just glad that when i feel damn small and helpless, i am not alone. when i rattle on and on, there are listening ears. when i lament on my plight, i also grow to understand a little more the pressures faced daily by you. when i curl up and cry, i was offered to be serenaded (which was hastily withdrawn but still). when i result in forgone sleep, i will time and again be allowed to do so anyway.

not the first, never the last, but always the princess. thank you. and i will never forget.

2007-01-21T23:05:00.000+08:00

2007-01-21T15:35:00.000+08:00

a perverse take

international econs: for all its ingenuity, human beings just cant use one bloody currency and speak one language cos somewhere along the line of evolution, they decided to make life more complicated.

marketing research: we need to study what others are doing so we can sell them more things they dont need and become richer at the expense of their stupidity.

human capital management: the art of exaggerating your worth so you willingly sell your soul to the corporation, end up being fired one day and still think that you are getting the better end of the stick.

negotiation: convincing you to accord to a win-win situation when it is a case of winmore(me!)-winless(you! the loser).

business processes: one million theories and formulas can really make you more efficient. when people spend godknowshowmany hours figuring them out. now why dont you believe me?

consumer behaviour: you know, i am really doing you more good by figuring out how your brain works. so that i can effectively manipulate it with marketing campaigns and advertisements and whatsnot. but you ARE happy cos you are satisfied.

2007-01-21T09:41:00.000+08:00

cogitation

i still cant see how gyrating in a space that is barely enough for one to breathe and shuffle forward can provide a 'chill out' factor. maybe it is the fact that i hate crowd but bouncing up and down in one spot of which you pay through the nose for? really, i can do without.

so much sex was used as fodder that "sleaze", "tacky" and "crap" just kept flashing in the mind. crassy was given a whole new meaning. if the theme had been different, perhaps i wont be that judgemental. then again, perhaps it's just me. anyways, she won! beauty and brains and completely wholesome in spite of all the sleaze.

sometimes, there are people in my life who i love to hate. blessed with the looks and the grey matter. as in that is not enough, they are terribly unassuming, absolutely adorable and i know i can count on them for anything. i can just envision ten years down the road when they become damn successful, damn rich but still pretty much the crazy people i know. and i will stand in line alongside their gazillion other admirers, being happy for them. because they deserve it.

i'm glad that there is at least one person in my life who makes me believe that complexity doesnt need to be present in cross-gender friendships. and am damn bloody grateful for his presence in my life. just because i am open and engaging (of which i'm pretty much to everyone semi-close) doesnt mean that i want to take anything to any level. plus i dont get impressed easily. so half-baked or full-fledged attempts are useless. when i start reading agendas from people's actions, anything more than professional relationships with me become impossiblities.

speaking of professional, dedication can be madness. capitalising on the situation doesnt quite encapsulate it. but hey! dont waste time right? a very tight ship is being run. ms wan, ms loo and mr chiang, hope that you all werent driven to boredom (too much) by the rest of us.

people say that information is king. and mankind has taken that to a whole new level. consumer behaviour, marketing research, human capital management. is it really ethical to study someone else in our warped attempts to make sense of the world around us? while trying to race to the top, we have effectively commenced on racing to the bottom. i think the human race is a terrifying race.

2007-01-20T09:30:00.000+08:00

open to interpretations

certain things are meant to be evocative.
but one needs to still have a pretty strong stomach for criticisms.
and a high level of self-worth.

what are you to do without wonderful friends? i love every single one of you!

throughout the academic career, postions taken up and in some cases taken over are last minute fillers. on one hand, it may indicate ability because i have been requested/told to fill them. on the other, is it really a good thing if this is translated to a professional setting?

Alexander Pope: To err is human, to forgive divine.
yet one cant help but wonder if it is utterly foolish for continual forgiveness.
will redemption bring about peace to the soul and heal the wounds?

for all that has been said and done, the parents are still pretty cool people.

2007-01-19T22:55:00.000+08:00

1 horribly exploited friend. 2 unwilling victims. 3 pkl. 4 freaking hours. 5 mins of fame (figuratively).

2007-01-18T23:24:00.000+08:00

impure

i know i've long left the moral high ground.
the continuous downward spiral is making me wonder if purity even exists.

purity of intentions, purity of wishes, purity of soul.

i want to still be innocent and sheltered.
then i wont be so lost, confused and screwed.

2007-01-17T17:01:00.000+08:00

sparks

extract of an email from my prof:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is a free country (at least within the confines of the CB course) - I do not insist that you come to class - I don't take attendance and I don't reward or penalize you for participating or not in class discussions. If you attend class, I must assume that you have some interest in hearing what I have to present for the day, or to learn from your classmates, or to just gaze admiringly at my benign visage (I do take the efforts to shave, you know, just to look good for you - ask my 101 class students who had to bear with my gruff bearded appearance for the major part of the term)...

...In return, I too promise to not surf the web while teaching (or listening to your presentations), to not take phone calls (except life and death ones), and to come to class (and finish class) on time. How's that for a deal arh?"

the moon must be blue. i'm actually going admit that there is ALOT potential for learning where i am. but we often move too quickly to capitalise on all the opportunities. much as i complain like mad, i'm sure i'll miss all the crazy/hecitc/sleep deprived (okays.. maybe not so much sleep deprived) days spent with crazy/loads of things to do/sleep deprived friends.

for all its cold soulsucking tendencies, filled with stickthin, impossibly smart people pracing around to taunt the few remaining mere mortals in our faces, i do see sparks once in a while.

and i -heart- biao. (sorry chris!) owe you huge for this one.

2007-01-16T16:06:00.000+08:00

2007-01-14T16:44:00.000+08:00

typically alpha

now that i have suitably calmed down and dont feel like commiting genocide towards the rest of mankind, i shall talk about something more mundane but a huge factor in my life: school.

never have i been more wrong into thinking that i got the best of both worlds since my course of study is neither arts nor science. now i have BOTH a mountain load of readings (fulfilling the arts part) and crappy technical stuff to fig out (fulfilling the science part). especially fun when doing either makes me want to go to dreamland and not return forever.

then there are overly enthusiastic people of whom one labels as project groupmates. enthusiasm which lasts for about 15 seconds. who send emails to request for meetings only disappear from the face of the earth thereafter.

the soul sucking institution i am in is making me miss out on two overseas trips in feb. i know i am going to get whacked for saying i have zero social life. since i still meet up with friends on a weekly kinda basis (anything that is more than having lunch/dinner/supper in school chalks up a notch here) and am somewhat dating. but the kinda and somewhat indicate my bloody one and only commitment to s.c.h.o.o.l.

to date: i have 10 hours worth of tv in the backlog to clear. and everyone knows how cranky i get when i cant spend time with the husband.

i conclude that i dont walk. i march. causing myself to neglect and overlook a lot of things around which i ought to have paid attention to. my second conclusion is that with my terribly alpha personality, i will probably die when i hit 40. which means that i'm technically halfway through my life already. one positive from the conclusion is not having to worry about dying a frigid old maid cos i would be dead before i get to that. ha.

and i still have yet figured out how to slow down or to not overcommit or to be less volatile.

2007-01-14T13:55:00.000+08:00

point of indifference

“The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.” ~Elie Wiesel

honestly, fuck all.
while it feels like the end of the world, it is damn apparently not.
shrivel up and cry is an option.
lament about the bad luck and stupid emotions is another.
but neither would be taken.
at the end of the day, i would surpass expectations and make people regret what they are missing out.
and they can live with those regrets for the rest of their sad pathetic lives.

2007-01-13T13:46:00.000+08:00

non-fight

"You were holding to me
Like a someone broken
And i couldnt tell you but i'm telling you now.

Just let me hold you while you're falling apart
Just let me hold you so we both fall down

Fall on me
Tell me everything you want me to be
Forever with you forever in me
Ever the same

You may need me there
To carrry all your weight
But you're no burden i assure
You tide me over
With a warmth i'll not forget
But i can only give you love"

it is as though a part of you has died. sweet revenge only means something if you are still fighting. but you are not. i know i am crying over spilled milk yet it is no less painful. this is not my fight. all the same, i cant bare to see you give up on what belongs to you in the first place.

i do not seek power. but one day in time, i will use what i've got to make the lives of those who cross me and/or the people i love very miserable. just try me.

2007-01-12T12:48:00.001+08:00

dedication and loyalty dictate

event opened to ALL!!

2007-01-12T01:06:00.000+08:00

ghost

the ghost of economics past has come back to haunt me. as i agonisingly flipped through the pages of my notes, i wonder how on earth i am going to survive this. damn macro economics. now it's called international economics. i am as un-international as one can get so attempting to make sense of anything international is way beyond means. lalala... did i mentioned that i'm screwed?

thankfully the blood types differ. or else it would just be scary. one who makes me laugh everytime. the other who makes it difficult for me to stay angry for long. two very important aquarius(es) whom i have the tendency to rattle on and on to. sometimes i wonder how much gets in. or if they are just too polite to ask me to shut up.

so similarly introverted. so alike in outward expressions of okay-ness despite internal struggles. so making me think about how much i actually know them.

let's hope reverse osmosis works and that the ghost would be exorcist.

i am still hoping for the day where people around me will undercommit so that i can do the same. bah. the problem with hating to let people down.

2007-01-11T17:00:00.001+08:00

fast track to enlightenment

if only people understand what they are getting into, then there wont be self-delusion.
if only the truth is embraced, then there is much more understanding.
if only i have much more time, then i would put in much more effort.
if only it has been within control, then things would have been different.
if only close-mindedness cease, then all will be clear.
if only you look a little beyond, then you'd see so much further.
if only the source lies within, then plans work.

if only i give a fuck about labels, then i'd have backed off.

2007-01-11T00:09:00.000+08:00

battle of the sexes

DISCLAIMER: for those who hate crazily soppy posts, do go ahead and skip.

i have no idea who i seem closer to guys as i grow older. maybe cos guys tend to judge less. maybe cos there's this inevitable want to compete with other girls. dont get me wrong, i still have and love all my gfs and do the craziest things with them. they are irreplaceable in my life. just that when it comes to deep dark secrets, i have this slight inclination to tell my guy friends instead. just rather weird. perhaps i'm sometimes tired of having to be strong, achieving, undefeatable and just want to (dare i say it?) be a girl.

it is difficult to allow yourself to be vulnearable at times.

anw, i am glad to have the old you back. the one who doesnt run away when i reach out. the one who allows me to be a brat. the one who has been a pillar of strength. i hope this you doesnt go away anytime soon.